True Patriots Drink All-American Brews.
Discrimination against gays persists, democratic protests are trampled in Iran, Kim Jong Il keeps flashing the nuclear bird at the US, but all this pales in significance when compare to the most important news of last week: The White House Beer Summit:
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| White House Beer Simulation | ||||
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About 1:30 into the video, there’s a clip of Fox News pit bulls attacking the President’s choice of Bud Light. Bravo, Fox News, for dodging all this “racial tension” bullshit and going right to the heart of matter.
Attention, all of you Bud Light drinkers out there. You call yourself red, white and blue-blooded Americans, but we here at Mind on Fire know that you are actually sleeper agents for a Belgian and Brazillian conspiracy for world domination. If you are a true patriot, you will go to your fridge, extract your Costco 48-pack and pour each can out on that French Tarragon plant growing by the shed in the corner. You have my sympathies–these foreign powers patiently waited to let Budweiser sink into the American psyche for 150 years before forcefully taking it over. (If you want, you can piss into cans for later consumption. This beverage will be American, and probably taste better. We’ll wait.)
Now that we know that our president imbibes a Brelgillian blend, what can we, we who truly love our country, do about this? Well, we won’t take this lying down! We will sit on our fat asses, with remote in one hand [editor's note: most remotes not made in the USA] and a real American brew clenched angrily in the other.
We propose the creation of all-American liquor stores. The shelves would only be stocked with Sam Adams and Jack Daniels and other beverages named after American patriots. Former border patrol agents will guard against encroaching tequila and Corona, and Congressmen Ney and Jones will make sure to block any French wines and wines that come places too close to San Francisco.
Beware: liberals may point to “craft brews” from local establishments. While technically brewed in America, these are known to have a lingering socialist aftertaste. Also, watch out for un-Christian beers with names like Kilt Lifter, Happy Ending, Damnation, and He’brew, The Chosen Ale. And although the reporter on Fox News suggested that Coors is an all-American brew, it’s actually a product of Molson-Coors, an all *North*-American brewing company, with half its leadership in Montreal, which is practically France. We advise against drinking Coors, except at hockey games.
In other news, apple pie was bought out by a Japanese-Chinese consortium, and Johnny Appleseed will now be referred to as ジョニー林檎種. The Stars and Stripes are sewn in Thailand and Guatemala. And your mom is owned by a syndicate operating out of BFE, but you already knew that.