One of the coolest things about being at Clarion West was being able to go up to someone like Ted Chiang or Ian MacDonald after they had had a drink (Ted) or five (Ian) and ask, what’s your creative process? And because we were Official Workshop Students, and Had Suffered for Our Art, they shared with us the Singular Secret of Science Fiction Writing Success, which I can’t remember because I was drinking too, but I think it was something like Apply Title-Case to Important Concepts for Maximum Impact and Guaranteed Pro Sales.
Now that I think about it, there are many parallels between an inebriated John Remy and his pre-workshop creative process. I used to approach a story like a drunken stagger about the neighborhood. I might have a scene or the setting or a character in mind, but the rest was all blurry stumbling improvisation, and plenty of piss and puke to clean up the next morning.
But now that I am a Certified Clarion West 2010 Graduate, I have A Map of My Creative Process. No thanks to the workshop, though. I had to scratch this map on my flesh with paper cuts from ugly first drafts. The ink was made from Black Tears of Despair, which were shed because there was Virtually No Time To Write. Yep, you heard me. No time to write. At a writer’s workshop. I know that this is hard to believe, so I am going to go all out and whip out my Science to support this claim. Please stand back.
Google tells me that there are 168 hours in a week, and I believe that it is true. Here is the Official Breakdown for a “typical” week at Clarion West. Remember, this is Science, so pay close attention:
| Reading 60-80000 words of colleagues’ writing: |
10 hrs |
| Hyperventilating due to impostor syndrome after reading colleagues’ finely crafted, immediately publishable stories when your own is the verbal equivalent of a hanging turd or vomit spurt: |
.25 hrs |
| Re-reading 60-80000 words & prepping critiques: |
15 hrs |
| In-class critiques: |
15 hrs |
| OMFG I’m in a one-on-one with [famous author or editor]: |
.5 hrs |
| Half-hearted attempt to exercise: |
.07 hrs |
| Eating Korean food at cheap eatery near the University: |
3 hrs. |
| Going to get ice cream: |
7 hrs. |
| Group therapy and planning sessions: |
2 hrs. |
| Laundry: |
Laundry? |
| Chatting in hallway, on way to bathroom: |
5.25 hrs. |
| Mighty-O Donut Run: |
1.25 hrs. |
| Bathroom: |
.75 |
| Sleep: |
HHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! ha. |
| Ransacking supply closets in a panic for ground coffee: |
.75 hrs. |
| Relaxing in a chaise lounge at Greg Bear’s lakeside house while Michael Chabon feeds me Brazil nuts and Ursula Le Guin tells me how brilliant my writing is: |
5 (fantasy hours) |
| Bouldering with Kij Johnson: |
2.5 (reality hours!) |
| Napping at Greg Bear’s feet while he tells us how we probably won’t get a lakeside house like his: |
1.5 hrs
|
| Mustering the courage to talk to Nicola Griffith: |
3 hrs. |
| Speaking with Nicola Griffith: |
.1 hrs |
Stalking Staring at Ted Chiang at parties/readings/workshop visits: |
11 hrs. |
| Making scary doll heads for Ellen Datlow: |
11 hrs. |
| Writing (on day story is due): |
24 hrs. |
| Writing (on other days): |
2 hrs. |
| Thinking about writing (on other days): |
92 hrs. |
| Writing magnetic poetry on house fridge: |
9 hrs. |
| Time elapsed between turning story in and beginning critiques for next day: |
-.025 hrs. |
Other relevant weekly statistics:
| Book limit you promised yourself not to go over: |
2 |
| Books purchased: |
17 |
| Stories with sex with undead: |
at least 3 |
| Servings of coffee: |
20,000 |
| Servings of alcohol: |
3 |
| On Ian’s week: |
27 |
| Pounds gained due to in-house chef: |
11 |
| Pounds lost due to walking everywhere: |
1.5 |
| Pounds lost due to stress and excitement in Ted Chiang’s presence: |
9 |
The point is, with all of these Matters of Vital Significance Occurring Daily, there wasn’t much time to actually write, so I learned to focus my writing. So stay tuned for my next blog post, In Which I Really and Truly Talk About My Creative Process.
Oh, and my dear friends Tracie and Andy seem to be pulling themselves out of the Post-Workshop Slump, and are Blogging Their Experiences. I’ll post links to other classmates as they write up their reflections. Check them out!
