I honestly don’t think that one is superior to the other; sometimes being quitely true to your values and being an example to those around you can do more good than trying to speak up on a wider scale and influence the world. So, I don’t really see your quieter approach to feminism as “giving up” or “throwing in the towel”.

Now, this is not to say that I have any problem with you, or any man, being a vocal advocate for feminism. It just seems too me that each of us must do what we feel most comfortable doing, and if you feel more comfortable as a quieter feminist at the moment, then that is what you should be doing.

Another thing you mention is your feeling of hypocracy. I agree that it is troubling when one finds themselves being hypocritical, espeically about values we hold dear. But hypocracy is essentially about being consistent, I think, and which one of us is truly consistent? I think it was Ocsar Wilde who said something to the effect that the only people who are truly consistent are dead. I think that is true, and while I believe that each of us should be as consistent to our values as we can manage, I also don’t think we should “beat ourselves with the guilt-stick” every time we perceive some slight inconsistency between our values and our behavior. We’re human. While we should pay attention when we see your behavior going far astray of our values, feeling guilty over every perceived inconsitency just isn’t healthy. You know that, I know, but I know that I need reminding of it sometimes; we all do.

My, I’m sounding preachy here, aren’t I? I don’t mean to. But I value your friendship and I worry about you sometimes as I worry about all of my friends, and I think you might be being a little too hard on yourself on this one.

Says the one who is probably too hard on herself most of the time.

Elaine

Your activism and intensity in fighting for what you feel is right has always ALWAYS been an inspiration to me. I do not get a sense of you “throwing in the towel” concerning this issue.
A re-sorting a labels perhaps.
A natural evolution of discovering the battles that are best for you to fight.

I think you are an awesome human being. And am very glad to call you friend (and advocate)

As for being a “poor feminist,” I feel the same way. I worry that I’ve devalued “traditionally” female things and become my own breed of misogynist. I don’t know what the fuck I am, in terms of gender or sexuality. So I don’t know where my attention should be drawn. I don’t know what to support or promote. I work hardest at rooting out my own prejudices even as I point out those of others. I don’t feel like I can do much more than that. It has to be enough – every little piece. I hope that I’m at least having a positive effect on my kids by modeling egalitarian language and relationships, supporting, encouraging, and demonstrating a spectrum of gender-free behavior and personality. But I fail even in this. And I’m up against so much in the culture at large. It feels futile more often than not.

I also feel ill-equipped to approach feminism academically. I leave it to the academics. I doubt that that sort of discussion is useful in the trenches, so to speak. Is it practical or helpful to low-income or minority women that some academic is defending their honor against upper-middle class white feminists? That being said, I’m glad the discussion is there – we need that piece, too. We need the discussion at every level.

As for the other causes you named…just reading that list made me tired. My sphere of influence is very small. I’ve deliberately tightened my circle of concern because it’s so dispiriting and exhausting to constantly raise awareness without ANY practical impact or application.

I support and admire people who actually WORK on an international level. But for those of us who cannot actually WORK internationally aside from spending money, it almost seems like its own form of dehumanizing an “other” to have so many international concerns – however well-intended.

I’ve accepted that, as much as international issues tear me up, my activist focus will not be international. As worthy as those causes may be, I know that I can’t have any real impact on those problems other than throwing money at them, and minuscule amounts of money at that. So I’ve made a conscious effort to localize my activism. I think it’s better for me to focus on small, local efforts that require real action on my part – clinics, shelters, food banks.

This is running on a lot. I just…agree with you, and understand, and I’m trying to sort it out, too. For what it’s worth, I don’t find ANY of your efforts unworthy, and I think one of your greatest strengths is right here, in your writing.

2. You are a great feminist. No one is perfect—even if they’re feminists. We all live in a broken system and those of us who try, try constantly to fix it—and fail regularly. Failure doesn’t mean one has to stop trying. Nor does inconsistency = hypocracy. You are sincere and you are passionate. I don’t see that changing anytime soon; and so I don’t see much in conflict with your turn toward gay rights (for example), especially since gay rights are important feminist rights.

3. Who is? The best spokesperson is the one who speaks. And you’ve done that very well in the past.

4. Critical thinking is exactly what’s necessary. In fact, I would argue that critical thinking is the only means of “overcoming” privilege.

5. I didn’t intend this to be a list of refutation points but rather a list of support points. You’re a great guy and, unless you start oppressing women, I think you’ll always be a feminist on some level. Even if you’re a [gay rights activist, dad, friend, neighbor, programmer] first.

This is a tough issue. There are so many things that deserve committed advocates, but keeping that commitment strong can be stressful and overwhelming. How does one pick what causes to be actively involved in, and which to fight for on a small scale just by speaking up for equality when something comes up in conversation? As someone with strong environmental concerns, I’ve been wrestling with how to get involved in the environmental justice movement, what I can do, and how a privileged white person living in a fairly wealthy neighborhood can help out without acting horribly racist/classist. I wish you luck with your struggle.

I don’t have a problem with focusing my advocacy. What bothers me more is this sense that I’m not just switching emphasis, I’m giving up in some way.

I have tried to think about what I’m qualified to comment on within feminism, and it kind of leads me towards masculinity issues, and the cost/negative impact of patriarchy on men. But this gets back to a criticism of men who enter feminist dialogue, that we make it about us. (which I’m doing here in this post as well)

Sometimes I feel like I replaced my Mormon orthodoxy with a feminist one, and use it to beat myself with the guilt-stick. But I’m heartened that you especially haven’t noticed me being a poor feminist.

If the latter, I hope you’ll discuss your thoughts in more detail. For example, I haven’t noticed you being a poor feminist… have you been getting comments to that effect? Or are there key issues you feel unqualified to discuss?