It occurred to me on this morning (and this is what I think about in bed on a Saturday morning [when this post was written] when I should be dreaming) that there is probably an inverse relation between how much you use the term “I have a gay friend” (especially in political conversations) and actually having meaningful relationships you have with people who happen to be sexually attracted to people with similar reproductive equipment. This data set, of course, excludes people who publicly own their hostility towards gays. I can find no instances of Glenn Beck or James Dobson admitting to having gay friends. It makes me wonder, too, if Ted Haggard and Larry Craig have any friends.
I’ve written a lot on gender and queer issues and against Prop 8, so I wondered if I ever used the phrase myself. I found only one instance, in a brilliant (if I do say so myself) *satirical* piece last October. I should note that this post is probably contains several counts of whatever it was that made them kick me out of the Church.
As far as I can tell, conservatives wield “I have a gay friend” like a talisman to shield themselves against charges of discrimination. “I can’t be homophobic or bigoted against gays, because I have a gay friend! (Vote for Prop 8!)” The most famous example in recent history is Sarah Palin, who said “I have one of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years happens to be gay, and I love her dearly. And she is not my ‘gay friend,’ she is one of my best friends, who happens to have made a choice that isn’t a choice that I have made. But I am not going to judge people.” Note her clever disavowal of the gay friend cliché: “I’m not using the trope if I say I’m not.” And her love for her friend allows her to dodge the bigot bullet when she opposes the right of all gays, including her friend, to marry.
Finally, I wonder what is the reverse of the phenomenon of the conservative’s gay friend? Do we liberals have token Fundamentalist Christian friends who we drag into political conversations as unwitting, never-present allies? Certainly conservatives aren’t the only ones who fall to this temptation?
On a serious note, I don’t think that I’ve escaped the trap of “I have a {blank} friend” in the past, and so in one respect, this is a self-critique. Hopefully I’ve learned from past mistakes. That said, let me state that at least in one sense, I don’t have any gay friends. I have friends with names and lives and passions and experiences and quirks and jobs and beliefs and heartaches and goals. This is not to deny that , and I acknowledge that, too. But I realize that all my friends and family and coworkers and acquaintances are complex human beings who don’t represent or sit in for an entire race or class or gender or sexual orientation. I hope that I will never will treat my friends of any stripe or creed as political or status symbols.
And remember, conservatives, that merely having a gay acquaintance is not an automatic “I’m not a bigot” card. No matter what kind of lip service you pay, no matter how you dress it up, denying an entire class of human beings of a basic right simply because they want to marry someone of the same gender is discrimination, bigotry, homophobia.
26 responses so far ↓
1 James // Sep 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I don’t believe that assigning a label to someone (bigot, homophobe) strengthens your argument.
But if calling me a bigot or homophobe makes you feel better about yourself, I say go for it.
2 xJane // Sep 21, 2009 at 1:30 pm
What, gay people love you, John! I know that I (before I fully broke out of my conservative upbringing) used the “I have a gay friend” line—maybe even the “I have a [race] friend” line, although I don’t remember that. But you’re right, now that I’ve become a little more informed, I don’t feel the need to declare “oh, I can talk about this issue because I have a friend who is one”. Usually that is representative of one’s inability to talk about said issue.
James, I don’t think John meant to call you a bigot. Unless you are one. He mean to call people out as bigots and homophobes who are bigots and homophobes and not to let them get away with bigoted and homophobic speech simply because people like John are too polite to call them out. Assertions that people should be treated differently because of a superficial trait is bigotry.
3 Hellmut // Sep 21, 2009 at 2:39 pm
It is probably more useful to point out bigoted, homophobic and racist behavior rather than referring to people as bigot and so on.
After all, we all were socialized in a racist and homophobic society. Although, we cannot undo our socialization, we can take responsibility for our behavior.
Nobody is perfect but everybody has an obligation to treat their neighbors with love and respect.
That’s why I consider it better to use the verb instead of the noun.
4 Hellmut // Sep 21, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Back in the day, when someone begun a statement with the clause “I am not a racist. I have a Black friend,” it was announcement that an incredibly aggressive statement would be directed at Blacks right then.
The same is true, of course, about homosexuality. When Sarah Palin says that her friend made a choice that Sarah herself would not make, that means that her friend is a sinner.
That is a homophobic statement. Of course, many religious people consider it their duty to regard homosexuality as a sin.
Now, that is a choice and a willful one, at that. If they studied sexuality and zoology only superficially, they could find out in minutes that sexual orientation is not a matter of choice.
Therefore, the moral value of sexual orientation is not a matter of faith. We can know that sexual orientation is not a matter of choice.
The misidentification of sexual orientation as sin requires the arrogant rejection of logic and evidence. Humility, by contrast, requires that we submit our opinions to logic and evidence.
5 Elaine // Sep 21, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I think it should probably be pointed out that almost everyone has a gay friend, even if they don’t know it. Even people who would freak if they knew exactly who of their friends is gay.
My point of clarity, however, didn’t revolve around “I’ve got a friend who’s gay,” but rather around catching myself say, before I would say something gay-friendly, “Now, I’m not gay, but…”
What would it matter if someone thinks I’m gay because I speak up for gay issues? I think asking myself that question, realizing that it didn’t matter, and stepping away from making those kinds of statements was at least as positive a development as stopping saying, “I’ve got a gay friend.”
If that makes any sense.
6 Max Power // Sep 21, 2009 at 3:54 pm
First-time commenter here. I’ve enjoyed your blog, and offer salutations from your neighboring city of Irvine. Cheers!
The worst is working in an industry that is loaded with very conservative people (who are your bosses, managers, team leads, etc) and having to pull the “I have a gay friend…” card because you can’t reference your own homosexuality for fear of job discrimination.
7 Hellmut // Sep 21, 2009 at 5:06 pm
That is sad, Max. I hope that we can pass a job protection law soon.
8 Max Power // Sep 21, 2009 at 5:17 pm
There are plenty of job protection laws here in California. There are also a lot of internal policies at my company to protect people and their jobs. But, I don’t put a lot of faith in the older conservatives here at work to abide by those rules.
One a-hole boss could put a damper on my career for a few years. If he did, and I could prove it was discrimination, he might get disciplined. I might get moved to a different department or something to help me out, but the underlying problem is that even having received vengeance, I would be back at the bottom of the totem pole in my new department, trying to work my way up the ladder. At this point, it’s just easier for me to pull the “I have a gay friend” card.
But, in doing that I am definitely an enabler. Maybe if I had been less concerned with my own comfort at work, I could have swayed people to vote no on prop 8. When they said “I have a gay friend” maybe they would have considered, “wow, I actually *DO* have a gay friend, and maybe I should think about this protect marriage crap a little more before I blindly vote yes on it.”
9 Jana // Sep 21, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Max:
I appreciated your perspective on this. Thank you so much for chiming in.
10 Hellmut // Sep 21, 2009 at 5:47 pm
You’ll speak up when you you are ready, Max. Thanks for sharing your story.
11 xJane // Sep 21, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Hellmut – I’m not certain that it is better to “love the bigot but hate the bigotry” and use the verb rather than the noun. To me, that smacks of allowing someone to not take responsibility for their actions. Isolated bigoted actions do not a bigot make; but when one makes a habit of something, it is dishonest not to call them a bigot.
Elaine – I sympathize with your sentiment of why it should matter if people think you’re gay when you say something pro-gay. I have some friends currently caught up in a situation that would be completely alleviated if one of them were to simply say, “So what if people think I’m gay?” and merely be comfortable with who he knows he is, rather than who people around him think he is.
Max – thank you for commenting! I understand what you mean about industries that are excessively conservative as well as the rules not necessarily protecting those they are meant to protect. Good luck, friend.
12 John // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Max:
First of all, welcome! We’re also in Irvine, btw.
Secondly, thank you for adding some nuance to my polemics. My posts very often make broad claims and I count on the comments to qualify and add complexity to my simple claims. Life is rarely black and white.
It took me a decade to ease out of the Church, because of all of the social considerations. And they were important ones to me. We have to work within our contexts. And I wonder sometimes how my blogging will impact me the next time I go looking for work…
13 Craig // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I agree with xJane. To say that only actions/words are homophobic/racist/sexist is to ignore the fact that in many people (but obviously not all) those statements stem from a deeper more fundamental internal bigotry.
For example, I do myself sometimes say or behave in a sexist, racist or homophobic way without quite realising – but I’m very far removed from those who truly are bigoted.
@James
I wonder why you felt yourself singled out?
@Max
That’s very sad that you can’t even count on laws to prevent discrimination – though I’m not surprised. Do you think that it’s because there’s not as much awareness of the laws, or that people just don’t care and will risk it anyhow?
I can’t say I ever personally used this “technique” – either because I was too closeted and afraid to EVER even talk about homosexuality, or because I was out and didn’t have to reference others to be able to talk (at length) about it.
But I can say that I cannot remember an instance when I’ve heard someone use the “I have a gay friend…” and then heard something positive (or even factual). It may well have happened, I just don’t remember. It seems to me like an inability to take responsibility for their own bigotry/homophobia.
On those relatively rare instances I encounter heterophobia I’ve found that I don’t normally preface my pro-hetero statements with” Now, I’m not straight, but…”. Perhaps because it’s obvious that I’m not straight (I have no idea how likely this is as I’ve no idea how obvious I am), or perhaps because heterosexuality is completely accepted.
14 Max Power // Sep 21, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Maybe I should clarify a little.
I actually work in a place that from a corporate perspective is very gay friendly. As I’ve been told, we were the first company to score 100% on the HRC something-or-other certification that shows how gay-friendly companies are. We have an active GLBTA group that I participate in. Most people seem to be okay with it.
It’s just that with the ultra-conservative, Rush Limbaugh-lovers that are in management positions (and have been for years), you never know what you are going to get. I came out of the closet 2.5 years ago, so everyone at work has always known me as a straight Mormon. So, I’ve heard my fair share of derogatory comments from these old managers. I don’t think that it’s that they aren’t aware of the laws, they just don’t care at this point in their lives.
So, it’s not the company at large, but a handful of individuals.
15 chosha // Sep 22, 2009 at 2:48 am
I really hate how the captcha code is underneath the submit button. I’ve lost so many comments that way not seeing it because I’ve only scrolled till the submit button is showing and I hate having to retype.
16 SUNNofaB.C.Rich@aol.com // Sep 22, 2009 at 4:24 pm
hello, I have serious question I was reading up some stuff on the APA and homosexuality etc etc the other day and noticed something about homosexual behavior being observed in animals such as penguins and started wondering about the mechanics of it and was wondering if there was any evidence of lesbian penguins. Serious question.
17 chosha // Sep 22, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Asker of the ‘serious question’: Google. Search terms: lesbian penguins. FIRST link in results: http://www.brusselsjournal.com/node/483 Story about a zoo that appears to have a lesbian penguin couple. At least make an effort…
18 SUNNofaB.C.Rich@aol.com // Sep 22, 2009 at 4:42 pm
lol… ok, ok but what about the mechanics of it?
19 chosha // Sep 22, 2009 at 5:19 pm
No idea, but Google might.
20 John // Sep 22, 2009 at 9:04 pm
Chosha, apologies about the capcha. I’ll see what I can do to change it, but I’m not quite sure I’m ready to turn it off, since I don’t have time to manage spam.
SUNN: one more googled article:
http://www.news-medical.net/news/2006/10/23/20718.aspx
21 Craig // Sep 23, 2009 at 9:57 am
@John – I also think the CAPTCHA might be better if situated elsewhere. I’ve lost a couple comments myself because I forgot it was there and didn’t scroll down below the submit button. Maybe if the submit button were just below the CAPTCHA.
22 Molly // Sep 24, 2009 at 9:19 am
John,
I’m happy to help with WP hacking should you need it. Rearranging the CAPTCHA should be no big.
23 Molly // Sep 24, 2009 at 9:23 am
Oh, and SUNNofaB.C.Rich, it ain’t hard to find:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexual_animals
24 John // Sep 24, 2009 at 11:27 am
Thanks, Molly, for the offer, but I got off my lazy ass and moved the one line of php code above the submit button. Hard to believe I once coded my own blogging platform!
25 chosha // Sep 24, 2009 at 10:07 pm
YAH!!! Thanks for moving the captcha up!
Elaine@5: That definately makes sense. I used to feel the same when I’d go to Pride related event and have these moments where I’d wonder if people were just assuming I was a lesbian and then think, wait a minute, what do I care if they do? (Obviously leaving out hot straight guys out of that ‘they’ as I’d not like them to assume so, haha.) I mean, I do think that sometimes that worry in me was less my underlying socialisation and more an understanding that it would be no fun to deal with some of the crap my lesbian friends put up with, but even so.
I must say though, I don’t like the assertion that we can’t change our socialisation. I think we can always change at least that part of it that we are aware of. And once we do that, it makes us more aware of the parts we missed before. It takes time, and is an ongoing process (because we are always being socialised), but it’s possible.
26 Sunday in Outer Blogness: Everything is coming up gay again! | Main Street Plaza // Sep 27, 2009 at 9:24 am
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