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Real Vampires Don’t Sparkle

Posted by xJane on July 23rd, 2009 at 4:04 am · 13 Comments

(For anyone who’s looking for a gifty for me, a t-shirt that says that will quite fit the bill.)

I’ve previously discussed my intense dislike for the Twilight series from a feminist perspective—even though I couldn’t put them down while reading them—but I hadn’t quite branched into what I think of Meyer’s changes to the vampire mythos.

Just about every author takes the mythos in a slightly different direction—some vampires don’t sleep in coffins, others require their home soil; some vampires turn humans by biting them, others by humans drinking vampire blood; some vampires are the overlords of werewolves, others are their mortal enemies. So some changes to the mythos are expected and even anticipated: what are these vampires like?

Meyer’s vampires hunt humans and are extremely fast—both common to most mythos—they also sparkle in the sunlight and some have magical abilities—Meyer’s take on the mythos. The sparkling explains why they don’t like going out in the sunlight (people will see what they really are) and why they live in Washington State (it’s rarely sunny out). The magic is, I suppose, acceptable—we are in a fantasy world, after all, but it feels annoyingly pulled off. It’s a literary device that allows Edward (one main character) to read the minds of everyone except Bella (the other main character). And it doesn’t seem to exist for any other reason (some other vampires have powers, always different. It’s about 50/50 whether a particular vampire has magical powers or not. So…not that rare.

As for the sparkley? Purely annoying. It makes for a supposedly romantic situation where Edward takes Bella to a sunny field and he sparkles like diamonds. Which…I’m still on the fence about whether or not would be attractive. This is the part that annoys me. Vegetarian vampires? Totally okay with. But sparkling vampires?! That’s just making them too warm and fuzzy (even when they’re specifically described as being hard and cold) for my taste. Edward is a stalker who controls every action of his “beloved”—again, a completely believable set of actions for a vampire—but he sparkles, which sort of defangs (heh) any threat he previously posed.

I really enjoyed the way that vampires were portrayed in Interview with the Vampire, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I Am Legend, Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, and even, yes, Moonlight. But Twilight‘s vampires left me unsatisfied. Which is why I’m so looking forward to Guillermo Del Toro’s vampires. Pan’s Labyrinth was a mindfuck (which is a total compliment) and, while I haven’t seen the recent Hellboy, I’m sure it is also good. Del Toro is a genius and I cannot wait to be mindfucked by his vampires. via.

Tags: Science Fiction and Fantasy

13 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Elaine // Jul 23, 2009 at 7:42 am

    Have you ever read any of Chelsea Quinn Yarbro’s vampire novels? You should, if you like vampire stories. They are an interesting take on the vampire mythos. I especially love that her vampires don’t have any trouble at all going out in the daylight, so long as their shoes are lined with their native earth.

    I haven’t read the most recent books in the series, but the ones I have read are top-notch as far as I’m concerned. Count Saint-Germain is her main vampire protagonist, and those are the books I’ve read. She has written a few novels focusing on other (female) vampires that Saint-Germain has made, but I can’t recommend those because I haven’t read any of them.

  • 2 Cobwebs // Jul 23, 2009 at 8:03 am

    Such shirts are readily available:

    http://www.cafepress.com/shadowmanor

    And yeah, vampires who have to avoid sunlight because when it hits them they become EVEN MORE FABULOUS leave something to be desired.

    (See also: http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/my-rejected-twilight-screenplay/)

  • 3 Craig // Jul 23, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Hellboy is actually not good – not at all. And I don’t think it’s del Toro’s fault – it’s the fault of the screenwriter and/or graphic novel author. The direction was good, it looks pretty, but the source materiel/plot/characters are all just plain terrible.

    As for Twilight, I’ve never read the books, but I’ve seen the movie, and it was hilariously bad. What my roommate tells me the dialogue they actually took from the book was the most amateurish and ridiculously bad I’ve ever heard. And the insane gender roles and extreme chivalry really pissed me off. From what I’ve gathered and read, the author seems to me to be IRL still stuck in the mindset of a 13-year old sitting in Young Womens’, just having written one of those ridiculous lists of the attributes she wants to have in a husband when she grows up. The overly sentimental, Disney-like romance and the inability of the female lead to do anything for herself without Edward seem to me to be the epitome of the ridiculous notions tweeny Mormon girls are programmed to have about love and romance and relationships. It all just makes me sick.

  • 4 G // Jul 23, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    this makes me want to get an episode of True Blood on netflix.

    And re-watch buffy episodes.

    (I want that shirt too!)

  • 5 adamf // Jul 23, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    I’ve seen a few eps of True Blood, and while a bit different than Twilight, wasn’t that great imho. Plus they have the same thing but it’s switched. The girl (not a vampire) can read everyone’s minds except for the vampire guy she is enamored with… Good acting, but not that original.

    Buffy is definitely the coolest take on it all, imho.

  • 6 xJane // Jul 24, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Elaine—I’ve not read those, I’ll have to look them up when I get home (or see if I can find German-language versions :-p)!

    Cobwebs—I was just fishing for gifties :D and, if people want to buy such a gifty, buy it from Cobwebs!! I like the way you put that, “vampires who have to avoid sunlight because when it hits them they become EVEN MORE FABULOUS leave something to be desired.” I have nothing against fabulous vampires, but fabulous glittery vampires? No thank you.

    Craig—I’m disappointed about Hellboy, although I didn’t have great hopes for it. I think Del Toro also did the Orphanage which is also a mindfuck. I also think you hit the nail on the head: Twilight‘s major problem (besides desperate need of an editor) is the extreme reinforcement of gender roles. I read it and some of my peers have read it, but I would never allow my child/niece/nephew to read it without a weekly discussion of why it’s a load of crap.

    G & adamf—I’m not a huge fan of True Blood, either, although I may just have seen bad eps. I like the idea of humans and vampires living together because of synthetic blood, but the eps I saw were just southern people being racist at each other—except that some of them were also vampires. A much better (IMHO) inquiry to race and vampires is Octavia Butler’s Fledgeling. And Buffy rocks my world. Check out Joss Whedon’s Fray for a continuation of the world that is well awesome.

  • 7 chosha // Jul 24, 2009 at 3:53 am

    What irks me about the sparkly thing is that it removes daylight as a threat. The Twilight vampires are basically invulnerable to humans, so why do they bother keeping out of the sun? The Volturi threat is bogus, because rules to stay hidden are always based on the premise that you are vulnerable in some way.

    Every (good) author of vampire stories knows you have to include some kind of vampire kryptonite. And I don’t think angst counts.

  • 8 greaterumbrage // Jul 24, 2009 at 6:49 am

    I completely agree with your view and won’t touch Twilight with a 40 foot pole.

    As to the feminist perspective I’d take a look at this recent mashup where Buffy takes on Edward. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

  • 9 G // Jul 24, 2009 at 9:00 am

    TOTALLY second Butler’s Fledgling.

    oh, and did you read this blog post by the guy who did the buffy v edward mash-up? An excellent look at the contrasting gender ideals portrayed, and why he made the spoof the way he did

  • 10 Sarah // Jul 24, 2009 at 9:38 am

    One of my most favorite takes on the vampire romance genre comes from Robin McKinley with Sunshine. The vampires are real and menacing and deeply, deeply lethal, even–especially–when they’re being sexy. Throw in an ass-kicking coffee-shop baker figuring out what her own powers are and you have an awesome blend of romance and intrigue. I can’t quite call it feminist because there’s a TON of id-fulfillment going on in there, but it’s a damn sight better than Twilight. And to her credit, Sunshine has the decency to be freaked out when she finds out a vamp has been watching her sleep (and to his, it’s not to protect her creepily but to ask her for help defeating the Big-Bad because he needs her help to survive the battle). And there is NO smelling like freesia.

  • 11 xJane // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:44 am

    re: Buff y Takes on Edward, here’s another good how-it-should-have-gone clip:

  • 12 G // Oct 4, 2009 at 10:06 am

    xjane…. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! omg!!! (totally stealing this for my FB for all my Twilight gaga fam and friends)

    BLESS YOU!!

  • 13 Henry Wells // Apr 13, 2011 at 8:32 am

    For vampires that don’t sparkle, I highly recommend Modern Marvels – Viktoriana. A real Gothic horror novel.

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