Today’s episode comes with a warning: I will be reading a story full of sex and religious innuendo, or rather, religion mixed with sexual innuendo. And guilt and sweaty palms. If you find any of these things offensive, you may want to stop now. Or you may want to continue listening. Feel guilty now and confess to your ecclesiastical authority later.

The entire episode is 15:35 long. That’s minutes and seconds, not hours and minutes.

If you have problems listening to the podcast, here is an alternate download option.

[podcast]http://www.mindonfire.com/kiku/MindonFirePodcast-Episode005.mp3[/podcast]

Here is also the full text of the story:

Hi Pastor Moylan. Thanks for seeing me.

This rain, just seems to go on, doesn’t it? No, no you’re right, I’m not here to talk about the weather.

Well, uh, you see, I seem to have this problem. It’s with the Bible–No, no, I believe that it’s God’s word, through and through! I never doubted that, no sir! You might say that I’ve got, uh, too much love for the Good Book.

Right, and I don’t intend to contradict you, Pastor. Maybe if I start at the beginning…

It started, I think, with this good Christian girl named Mandy Reynolds in high school. She was beautiful, and I wasn’t the only guy interested in her, what with her Georgia accent and curly red hair and flirty summer dresses and…no, no sir, you’re right this doesn’t have bearing on my problem, not directly at least. Well, for some reason, we started dating, harmlessly at first, going to movies and football games and hugging and kissing a lot. We wanted to do more, but we tried really hard to not touch those “bathing suit zones” but we’d get pretty close, you know? And then we heard this one speaker at our Thursday night Bible Study and he was kind of like a Christian Tony Robbins guy. By the end of the night, we all signed these purity vow certificates, even the couples we were pretty sure weren’t going to stop having sex. But me and Mandy, we meant it, and the thing that really impressed us was that he said that if we always had the Good Book between us, a big one, not one of the pocket version, “ain’t no way we could have sex,” and plus we’d be mindful of the Lord.

Right, maybe he said the mindfulness part first.

Anyhow, looking back I think we had too much confidence, but that night her folks were out late, and we ended up in her room–yes, I know that was foolish, but anyhow, we tried to make out with her good-sized, leather-bound Zondervan NIV Personal Growth Study Bible between us. Well, uh, one thing lead to another and we were, um, grinding pretty hard against each other–fully-clothed, but with this uncomfortable book between our chests, but I guess it wasn’t uncomfortable enough to stop us, from, uh, reaching fulfillment.

We were pretty deeply shamed, and we spent the next week doing a lot of praying when we were together, and reading from that Personal Growth Bible, but we just couldn’t stand it anymore, and I have to say that I uh, put the Good Book down my pants. I thought it would be uncomfortable enough there to keep us at least from the grinding business, but we made do, so to speak.

We broke up after a lot of grinding and praying. Not long after I went to college, anyway. Last I heard, Mandy got pregnant and married the guy, had two more kids, and they’re divorced now. Right, that’s neither here nor there, but sometimes I think that maybe that old Bible worked, in that I never did get her pregnant, right?

No sir, that’s not the whole of it yet. I’ll get back on track.

At UoT, I got involved in Campus Crusade, which was a lot of fun. I did some partying, but I always brought a Bible with me on dates, and that turned off some of the girls to where I didn’t get second dates, but I had in mind that I wanted to settle down with a good Christian gal.

Then I met Stella. Stella was a TA, she taught one of the writing comprehension classes. She was dark and sassy and everything I’ve ever found attractive in a woman, but she wasn’t a Christian, well, at least not a practicing one. To tell you the truth, I still don’t know what she saw in me. Maybe she saw me as a project? We dated for two quarters, breaking up and getting back together almost every month.

Sorry, I’ll get to the point, uh, as it were. I could tell from our first night out that Stella was going to be trouble. When we first started making out, I stopped and pulled my Bible out of my backpack–what? No, it wasn’t hard cover. Yes, you’d think I would have learned by then–anyhow, when I explained to her how I was a virgin and was saving myself for my wife and the Bible was there to protect me, at first she was mad, but then it was like some light bulb clicked on. She swore to always keep the Bible between us when we were getting physical, and that she’d respect my virginity. I was relieved, because she was so smart and so like a model gorgeous, and I thought maybe she’d remember how she was saved once, and…so.

That’s not how it turned out, of course. I ended up spending many nights over at her place, and, and, well, she kept her word. One of the first nights, she brought out this huge Bible that she had checked out from the library–I think I’ve seen smaller suitcases–and uh, we were undressed within an hour, but that Bible stayed like a wall between us, an there was no grinding…just, uh, touching. Some nights she would only touch me with a Bible, maybe rubbing me with one in a sheepskin case, but only after touching herself with it, and right. The Bible is less effective when we’re unclothed, I see that very clearly now.

She had this small hardcover edition that she stuck…sorry, I think I’ll stop there. I can tell you don’t really want to hear.

I think the worst thing, and I’ll stop talking about Stella after this, was when she tore these thin vellum sheets from one Bible and used them to, uh, grab me with them. She would read from them first, stuff like about Lot’s daughters, and David spying on Bathsheba, and most often from the Song of Solomon.

What? Oh, just how often were we doing…oh, I see you mean that as a rhetorical question. I’ll move on, then. Stella dumped me, anyway. Started dating another grad student. We never talked again, though when she gave me back some of my stuff, I also got all of the Bible she had bought while we were dating.

So, now we come to my wife. That’s right, my Mary. No! No sir! She’s not into this kinky stuff at all. And that’s the problem, well, not her problem, but my problem.

You see, I did pretty much remain a virgin until our marriage, but without a Bible, it’s uh, been difficult to consummate our marriage. She let me put one between us on our wedding night, like it was letting the Lord into our marriage, but she absolutely refused to let me do it again. I snuck one into bed with us, you know, just kept it under the pillow where I could see it or touch it if needed, but that only worked twice. Now she makes sure there isn’t a single Bible in the bedroom with us, and well, I just can’t perform my duty, so to speak. I’ve had to spend the past week on the couch. I’m worried, Pastor Moylan, you’ve got to help me, help us.

What’s that? Normally you’d consult the good book, right. I can understand your hesitation, Pastor. What if you assigned readings? You know, the Bible’s available online now, I could look up.

Another appointment? Sure, I understand. Can I stop by later this week? After Bible study, perhaps?

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