Like many of you, I sometimes wonder what Genghis Khan would’ve thought of Twitter. At first I thought, he’d hate it, because it would be an early warning system. If you were a shepherd and saw the Mongols descending, you’d quickly tweet it before you were run down and disemboweled (the killer would probably use your iPhone to post your head to twitpic), and then all your friends and family could go into panicky FaceBook and Twitter panic/denial mode, rapid-firing updates with #mongolhorde #PWNedByKhan hashtags.
The problem is, the Mongols were not only vicious, they were no luddites (anachronistic, I know, but that’s the point). They’d probably use social media to track troop movements (KievSteve: “So cold waiting in this mountain pass, no vodka, wtf? Where the mongosl?”) or to sow discord by posting false messages (“Chingiss lannding @ Cantebury, Lorde save us!” and “IM IN UR CAATHEDRAL BUTTSECKS UR POPE). Mostly I think they’d use it to engage in rapine and plunder more effectively, and to communicate with fans and friends back near the Great Wall. “Moscow coagulated horse blood low on iron after taste, only 2 stars on Yelp” or “RT @TheRealGenghis Sinew on beta version of Nerchinsk arrows in humidity: FAIL. (plz bring fletchers’ balls)”
Next tweet post?: “NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”
10 responses so far ↓
1 Denine // May 30, 2009 at 11:23 am
LOL! This is hilarious! I’d love to see it made into a graphic novel. More! More! More!
2 Cobwebs // May 30, 2009 at 4:17 pm
:::snorch:::
“IM IN UR CAATHEDRAL BUTTSECKS UR POPE” needs to go on a T-shirt.
Have you read Spinrad’s Last Hurrah of the Golden Horde? For some reason, this puts me in mind of that.
3 Gregory Lawrence // May 30, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Man. That one has been keeping me up nights. Now I know.
But — you didn’t answer the Most Important Question: What would Genghis’s #followfriday picks be?
4 angryyoungwoman // Jun 1, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I kinda wondered about his #musicmondays.
5 Alli Easley // Jun 3, 2009 at 6:56 am
Oh. My. Crap. That was so funny John!
Follow Friday would be his sons: “@Ogedei @Chagatai @0Tolui @Jochi #followfriday – mAi bOiZ rAwK!
6 Nick // Jun 3, 2009 at 1:58 pm
LOL! So funny.
7 christie // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Really love this blog!
8 xJane // Jun 6, 2009 at 7:54 am
you have, of course, seen Historical Tweets?
9 John // Jun 7, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Good choices for #followfriday. There might be some @DarthCheney and @kimILLjong love in there too. #musicmondays would include Dan Fogleberg and Abba and Debbie Gibson, and no one would make fun of him.
christie: Thanks! Welcome aboard!
xJane, I haven’t seen it. Going to check it out now!
10 John // Jun 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Cobwebs, totally intrigued by the Last Hurrah. Gonna have to see if the library has that…
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