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Happy.

Posted by xJane on April 21st, 2009 at 8:58 pm · 10 Comments

I’m happy. This is a very strange feeling for me and one that was foreign. But I’d been noticing it of late: things don’t piss me off, my short fuse has gotten longer, and I generally approach things with equanimity. And people. I like people now. It was hard for me to identify this fact in me because I guess I’ve never been happy before; I’ve been content, no one has ever died on my lawn, but I’ve never had a sustained period where I’m just…happy.

So I stepped back to figure out what’s going on in my life that could possibly make me happy. My father is dying, I’m worried about money, finding a job (in three years), and failing law school. I’m stressed beyond belief and feel like my friends will think I’ve abandoned them because I don’t have time to talk to them (or blog to them). But somehow—still happy.

And then I realized: I’m living my life the way I want to. I’ve completely abandoned the desire to make my parents happy. I’ve allowed myself to do what I want to do. I’m in a relationship that supports me, I live with my best friend, I’m going to law school (which, entertainingly falls in both the “good” and “bad” categories when I quantify my life), and I’m in control.

In high school & college, I did what I did because I was supposed to. After college, I got a job that I didn’t like so that I could pay the bills and live with my boyfriend. Even though the last half of that sentence was what I wanted, it came at a high cost (plus my family went off the deep end about that). But now, I’m only doing what I want. And I never knew before this that I was unhappy.

Tags: Career · Getting over Religion · Health · Personal · Simplicity

10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Lessie // Apr 21, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Here’s to living life on one’s own terms!

  • 2 Elaine // Apr 21, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    I think I understand what you’re saying here, xJane.

    I don’t know that I can say I’m happy, full stop, just now. But I’m a lot happier now than I’ve been in quite a while. I’m less stressed. I don’t freak out at small things nearly as easily as I did in the past. I can look at a problem and decide whether it’s something I need to worry about or whether I can just take the attitude that I don’t give a shit and whatever is going to happen will happen. Before, the freak-out would have been sort of my default reaction to almost everything.

    Now, there’s a bit of guilt attached to being this new, less-stressed Elaine, as I’ve reached this calmer, happier state of being since my mother died in December. This is so even though I know my mother’s passing is not the cause of my better state of emotional being. I know it has more to do with not having to be alert to her needs 24/7, with not being tied down to home most of the time, with being able to come and go as I please for the first time in several years. Taking care of her, even though I was glad to do it, was an extremely stressful way to live, and as much as I miss her, I don’t miss the stress at all.

    And so, I’m mostly happy now, too, and I’m not always quite sure what to do with that. But it’s a good feeling, and I’m working on making it a permanent thing.

    Elaine

  • 3 aerin // Apr 22, 2009 at 3:56 am

    That’s awesome – thanks for sharing. Good for you!

  • 4 Craig // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:01 am

    I started feeling the same thing once I stopped living my life for anyone else, and started living MY life. And as soon as I did that my parents, many members of extended family, many ex-friends and acquaintances also went of the deep end because I stopped pretending to be religious and straight. I was me, and that was enough. It was (and is) more important than having a good relationship with my parents, than having tons of friends, than being able to fit in in a culture I hate and reject. Life is good.

  • 5 Jonathan Blake // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:31 am

    It came as a great surprise to me just how happy taking charge of my own life made me. It took me a long time to grow up. It seems that many institutions in our culture try to delay that kind of independence.

  • 6 Gregory // Apr 22, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    All I can say is — Yay! And I totally get it. Money, all those worries, and still, yes, happy.

  • 7 G // Apr 23, 2009 at 9:59 am

    these are true words.
    yay for living authentically
    and yay for being happy.
    I’m happy for you!
    :)

  • 8 xJane // Apr 23, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Thank you all for the positive feedback—I was afraid that this was going to come off as gloating; or as though I have no troubles at all in my life (especially during this time of strife for many). If I had known what a huge change making what seem like small changes in my life would make, I would have done it long ago. And now I’m going to tell everyone I know that they should live for themselves.

  • 9 Rich // Apr 23, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    I’m glad to be reading this post, and I can relate. After my long and bitter divorce, and finding myself in an HEALTHY relationship, I too know what happiness (and control!) feels like and it’s wonderful. True, stress and problems aplenty (part of life, deal with it Rich), but happy, and happy for you!

  • 10 wren // Apr 29, 2009 at 10:01 am

    I know what you mean, especially about not realizing how unhappy you were before. I call it liberty. I never knew I was in bondage until I liberated myself.

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