Oddly enough, those weren’t the parts that had the deepest psychological impact on me. The parts where women were denigrated (even as we were placed on pedestals) were what caused me the most pain and dissonance.

BiV, I’m sorry things are so painful for you right now. You know we’re here for you, right?

I also want to use this space as a confessional to admit that I am losing all of my certainty about anything religious, while maintaining all of my guilt and my fear. It is driving me insane, and I really need counseling or medication or both, yet I have some weird disgrace or dishonor stigma that will not allow me to consider such an impropriety.

When you are born there is generally a lot of excitement around you. You are new something no one has ever seen. when a religion starts it is similar. it is something new that excites people both good for good and bad.

as you hit adolescence rationality takes aback seat to hormones and the self involvement that comes along with your process of self discovery. Religions function very much the same way. Members of the religion believe they have the truth and often despite the conventions of good behavior and manners try to convince (sometimes force) others to accept their beliefs. I n a sense this is done in good faith because the believers do honestly believe that what they do is for the benefit of those they do it to. It feeds into a Mob mentality that eclipses rational thought. The same way we through a tantrum when Mom or Dad won’t by us the new (insert Fad item) that we just can’t live without.

Then a dramatic event, or series of events happens, in human development often it is High School Graduation, College, First mature relationship, First Real Job, A child, etc… and the fire of our youth is quenched and we look inward and seek to maintain what we have. Religions experience this too… The Renaissance, The ottoman Empire, The Greek Republic, Etc..

From then on it is maintain until death/obscurity. Religions become obscure or die as new religions replace them or scientific thought disproves them…

I ought to do more research on this… I think this might make an interesting paper or book…

who knows…

Mormonism is a very young religion. As such it would be fair to classify it as approaching/entering Adolescence. Everything is a big deal one family member, one ward member, etc… falling away or not living their religion is a big deal. The same way in jr. high/high school if the boy/girl you had a crush on didn’t return the expected affection your life was over and you would never love again.

Catholicism experienced this… and their adolescence was particularly violent… The middle ages…

Now that I think about it American protestant Christianity is hitting their Adolescence as well. Though their birth and childhood was much less traumatic.

Fear I think is going to be a staple of any religion but as young religions are figuring themselves out it is far more pervasive in all levels of the church. As religions mature the devout and strict adherents use their fear to guide their lives and try to admonish the less devout but in the end accept that it is unrealistic to try and control the everyday practice of their own constituencies and become content to preach the line and save themselves, leaving the major fear based preaching and living to the fundamentalists and radicals…

American Christianity and Mormons will probably evolve this way in time and accept what they really have control over and seek to profess their beliefs and let the cards fall where they may(i.e. they will mature)…

until then however brace yourself for the equivalent of a hormone infused adolescence…

Yay

I think a lot of the relief I felt upon leaving Mormonism was the weight of all this fear dropping from my shoulders. Now I’m afraid of normal things, like being mugged or speaking in public or losing my job or failing out of school or being hit by a car or being alone for the rest of my life or…

on a more serious note,
I went through the temple after the harsher oaths had been taken out, but I remember my mother talking about them~ once she even showed me the sign, the one that you just showed, the thumb-slicing-the-throat sign.
She’s a TBM.
I have wondered what her feelings on those oaths were; it strikes me as odd that she would have shared them with me (if I remember correctly, I think she told me when I was preparing to go for the first time.)

A year or so ago I was sitting in gen. conference and was shocked at how every talk seemed to imply fear: fear of being led astray, fear of loosing testimony, fear of being deceived by satan, fear of making a mistake, of being misguided… fear fear fear. I had never picked up on that message before.

I guess my point is that even without symbolic (but explicit) vows of death and disembowelment, there is still a heavy implicit message of fear wrapped up in questioning the church.

I told the bishop I wouldn’t take a calling and have felt shunned in some ways, although I don’t try to mingle and participate much anymore.

Fear the wrath of god who loves you but if you do not live up to his expectations you will burn in hell for eternity.

It is a fascinating concept to me, and to be honest I don’t have my head wrapped all the way around it. I still have twinges of that built in fear from the faith I have abandoned and even as I write this, I still feel like I am an errant school boy. I guess my spot in hell is reserved…anyone got a light?

xJane – your last sentence…I wonder the same thing! Quakerism is so peaceful in comparison.

It’s interesting to get insight into rituals that I have no experience of & to get the reactions of those who did. I wonder how much these violent images played into your eventual decision to become a Quaker.

Alli, I’ve been out of the church for several years now, and I’m still trying to kill the traces of fear. And having lived through the same move from SoCal to SLC, I feel for you. Hang in there!

Maybe we’ll have to smuggle up a bottle of California vino for you the next time we drive up…

Does this mean you saw the temple video with Gordon Jump of WKRP fame in it?

What, no beer review? I was hoping for a description of its smoothness. Or at least a belch.

The power is destructive emotionally in myself. I’m a lifelong member, and I was raised to fear the consequences of not being “obedient”. Sound familiar? Now that I’m almost 36, we made the mistake of moving for work to Salt Lake City from So Cal 7 months ago, and I haven’t been to the temple since. We watch Big Love, and I have to say…it is a beautiful ceremony. It’s amazing to feel a part of that congregation, but the fear I live in daily because I might just slip and say the F word, or because I might just crave a great glass of red wine every once in a while (I love wine)…this is what makes me put on that dress every Sunday. I already have the fear of God in me, bred in me, can you imagine the fear I’d have been living with had I experienced the part of the ceremony you’re speaking of? Have Mercy.

Oh and congrats on the first Vlog! Keep it up!