Best, Ryan

Craig, it’s difficult for me to imagine what it would be like to be on the books for an organization that actively persecuted and vilified you.

As for me, I’m to the point now where there’s no doubt that this is what I need/want to do. I just need to get around to it. I may even try this week.

Once I decided to resign, I didn’t really have any reason not to. The main reason I left was because it made me sick – physically ill – to know that I was officially a member of such a homophobic and abusive organisation. I felt that my name, my reputation was sullied by association.

Unlike a lot of others here, I resigned very shortly after I stopped attending – just a month after I left BYU, and 6 months after the last time I went to church. I think a lot of that had to do with needing to do something to rid myself of all the bad memories and experiences that had to do with being raised since childhood in Mormonism and being gay. I needed to be able to tell myself that I wasn’t Mormon, and that the pain I had experienced for years wasn’t a part of my life anymore.

I think that there are a lot of similar reasons we choose (or not as the case may be) to officially and legally resign from the church, but I think that no one can tell another person when the time is right. I knew it was right for me, and that it was something I had to do in order to move on with my life – similar to what you said, John in your original post. I didn’t want to be defined by my past, though I know it’s ever going to be a part of me.

So, any update as to where you are on this?

I officially had myself taken off the records in November. I left Church in Jan 2002 because I couldn’t reconcile my personal beliefs with those of the LDS faith, nor could I ignore the discrepencies and half (and hidden) truths any longer. It contributed to my divorce (as did many other issues), and it broke the hearts of my parents and siblings, and others. But what a relief.

For 8 years, that break was enough. But when the Chirch took an active stand against gay rights on Prop 8 even I was stunned. I had avoided the formal break and had even provided financial support to my parents serving a mission–it made them happy, right? I was worried that making it official would hurt them even more.

But I came to the personal conclusion that I don’t have to make it an issue with them. At 38, it’s my call and, frankly, not really their business whether I’m on the books. Even though I was no longer attending, I know they saw me as a member and felt they had the right to track my moves, invite me to pay tithing each year, and invite me to the ocassional event. I was mortified to realize I was on the record with an org that saw value in ensuring others did not get basic human rights.

It has been surprisingly easy and incredibly liberating. I will never lose the cultural heritage–but what a relief to be able to answer the question “Are you a member?” with a flat “No.” the personal and symbolic act of making it official took a weight off my shoulders.

To each his and her own.

M

Ps. Please forgive typos and spelling goods–did this on iPhone touch screen.

I am reminded of one of my personal heroes, Carol Lynn Pearson. You likely have heard of her, she’s a semi-famous author in mormon circles, for lots of stuff she’s done including “My Turn On Earth”

The reason she’s my hero, though, is because later she became a bit of a mormon activist promoting homosexual rights and tolerance/love towards homosexuals within the mormon church. Nobody else is doing the work she’s doing as effectively as she’s doing it, because not only is she already a trusted and beloved mormon author whose voice we already know, already identified as “one of us” by mormons, but also her personal story resonates so deeply. She was married to a gay man and her story is heartbreaking. She wrote about it in her book “Goodbye I love you” which I think every mormon should be forced to read, because you can’t read her very sincere and heartfelt story, written from the perspective of a faithful believing mormon, and walk away with the same hateful stereotypes against homosexuals that so many mormons have.

She followed it up with another book “No More Goodbyes”, which is about all the responses she got to her book, everyone else’s stories with homosexuality within the mormon religion. Some truly tragic, heartbreaking stories in there. Once again, a book that all mormons should be forced to read, and also a book with power to change hearts and minds in a way that an outsider never could.

I could never be mormon again. I left the church and I couldn’t bring myself to pretend, even if there is potential to do good from within. But she is my hero for the work she is doing.

Leaving the LDS Church is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t recommend doing it just ’cause you’re bored one weekend. lol.

Hava

BiV, dear friend, no changes! My official situation will be different, but we’re both the same people!

Hava, thanks for the advice and the support. I’m glad you were able to repel the initial church rescue mission. Is your husband’s family in the Church as well?

JohnW and Ryan, I think I need the ritual to help me sever the connection. I *like* ritual! It establishes clarity. I don’t like this gradual fading away business.

My husband and I stopped attending church months ago, and when we told my family, my parents did NOT take it well. I was forced to meet with an Area 70’s guy because my mom was just sure that if I asked my questions to the right person, they’d get answered. (And for the record, no, they weren’t answered. He had no answers for any of my questions, mainly because there aren’t any answers. Hmmm…strange how that works).

Anyway, here I am, months later, and I haven’t actually withdrawn my name from the records of the church. Why? I’m not really sure. I’m busy with other things; it’s not that important to me; I am who I am whether or not my name is on some roll somewhere in SLC, etc etc. I don’t have anyone coming to my house to try to draw me back into the Church (I think the bishop learned his lesson the one and only time he tried that – he didn’t like what happened and hasn’t been back since) and so I think just plain apathy has kept me from withdrawing my name.

I was mightily pissed off at what happened with Prop 8 in California though, and even if I hadn’t already hated the Church at that point, that would have got me going. That whole thing was such a joke.

Good luck in your decision. FWIW, I’d say to just do it. I guess I need to take my own advice, eh?

Hava
http://nonfictionlover.today.com

I omitted “my” from your posting very purposely, to support my argument as well as to make it fit better in context—but I don’t feel that doing so changed the thrust of your words, else I’d not have done it (like omitting the word “not” in such a sentence). I also omitted words from Greg’s quotation—more, actually—but still don’t feel that any injustice was done to either of you.

As to “being honest”, the Church at large, whichever church it is, doesn’t care. The reality is that a priest or a bishop may well feel responsible for his (it’s always a he, isn’t it) flock, but the Church establishment, whether papal or presidential in nature, doesn’t care about one man. They may care esoterically, about losing a believer, but not specifically: that this man is “honest” to the point that he jumps through their bureaucratic hoops. Scratch that, they may well care that he jump through their hoops, so that they can feel justified in the power they hold over him.

While common decency may well dictate that a friend tell another friend that they are no longer friends, the Church-believer relationship is nothing like friendship.

I would be interested to take you up on your situational ethics comment, since I’m an Aristotelean—this is perhaps not the best forum, but it’s not a bad idea for a future post.

Finally, it has been my experience that all religions can make that claim—that was my point in the first place.

Sure – have whatever rituals float your boat to celebrate your new found path… And its not that you need “the Church” to validate your life/behaviours. common decency dictates you should tell the other party that there has been a parting of the ways.

As to belief… we all believe. Just not all in the same things. And certainly no one is required to share mine. But situational ethics is beyond the pale for me. Life does have any number of high contrast issues. There are absolutes in my world. Can’t speak to yours.

What is interesting, as a tangentail issue is that “one religion” can harbor such an apparent wide range of belief. How many religions can make that claim?

I’d have to agree with both Kathee & Tim: do you need the church to validate your lack of belief? Absolutely not. Would be healing for you & your family to undergo some kind of ritual? Probably. I encourage you to come up with your own. Whether it’s burning the card in solitude or having an “I’m no longer Mormon!” party, creating our own rituals gives us power over ourselves and our futures by acknowledging choices we’ve made in the past.

I’d like to call attention to the interesting dual views brought to us by believers bill and Greg: bill says, “relationship with […] God is paramount” and his wife is explicitly secondary, children tertiary. Greg says, “[leaving the church] affects […] your family” from ancestors to future issue. That one religion could produce such fervent and conflicting beliefs is, I imagine, one of the reasons you’re considering severing all ties to it.

I also would like to say that I enjoyed the inside peek that your continued technical membership in the church provided during the whole Prop 8 “thing”. I would not say that you should stay a member for my sake, but take into account that you’ll no longer have such access as an official non-member.

Greg: whenever you bring satan into a discussion, you’re fearmongering. You’re literally demonizing your conversation partner here. And Hell is implied.

“The fact that this discussion is taking place at all is evidence that, in the deepest corner of his heart, he knows that removing his name from the Church does harm to himself and those he loves.”

Dude, Greg, do you read my comments at all? Let me be really clear:

I do not believe, even in “the deepest corner of my heart,” that removing my name from the church rolls will not “harm those I love the most.” I wouldn’t even be having this discussion online if I didn’t already have the blessing of those I love most, and the only people whose opinion really matter to me.