2008
My Own Private Recession.
Professionals who treated patients with mental illness were once called alienists. Although the word itself has become obsolete, as a society mental and emotional disorders are still treated as something strange, alien, other. We are healthy and normal, but they are sick and crazy.
A few months ago, I joined the quiet mass of aliens living in this world. I was diagnosed with a moderate depressive disorder. I had long suspected this, but Jana’s illness and work stress exacerbated things to the point where I felt I had to cross the line and seek professional help.
I was prescribed Venlafaxine from day one. I’ve always hated the idea of artificially transforming my personality, but I was desperate enough in this case to play along. Ironically, the meds seemed to have the effect of bringing out the best me, banishing the moodiness and irritability that had characterized me lately, and that seem so foreign to the authentic cheery John. (Granted, I own some of my pessimism and fatalism.)
I know it’s not wise to announce to the world that I have a mental disorder. Current and future employers may read this and consider me a risk. Maybe I’m crossing TMI boundaries. But like many of my posts, I weigh this against the principles of openness and transparency. Mental health issues are complicated by our aversion to talking about them. I know a number of suffering people who could use therapy and probably meds, but who are unlikely to ever cross that threshold. Speaking up is the one thing I can do to improve the situation. Maybe those of us who struggle with our mental and emotional health will then feel a little less alien.
Clarification: I’m not suicidal (and haven’t been since high school). I’m lucky to have an extremely supportive family and work environment, a broad social network and a strong sense of self-awareness. I seem to be reacting well to the meds, and my shrink and I are working on getting me off the drugs, through therapy, exercise, meditation (and possible dream therapy, which I may write more about later). I don’t think my depression is related directly to religion in any way–it preceded my conversion to Mormonism, was perhaps alleviated a bit when I first converted, and then worsened during my mission (which fed my unhealthy propensity towards perfectionism) and after I began questioning (and feeling guilty about doubting).
I’m happy you’re receiving help to make your life more fulfilling. I’m also glad you’re helping to remove the stigma about mental health disorders.
It’s an interesting thing: psychoactive medication can make us wonder about who we truly are. If medication can change our personality, that tells us that personality isn’t an invariant part of our identity. If I am not my personality, then what am I?
John, you are the best of the best! You always inspire me to want to be a better person … thanks.
Society, unfortunately, has such an aversion to mental illness of any type, and to the taking of medications for such issues, that the mere mention of depression automatically calls up images of suicide, illness to straight jackets, and therapy to Loony bin. Its the number one reason soldiers have not sought out care for PTSD, (aside from the fact that the Military still sees any sort of mental treatment as possible disqualification for security clearances and service) ((new policy allows for PTSD treatment)). “Mental care” needs to be seen as good as “dental care” (and maybe better since theres no drill)
Now if only we could get this sort of idea change out to more people.
And btw, John; You’re such an awesometastic brother!
I’m glad you went ahead and wrote this post. When I was at my most depressed and on medication, I tried to be open so that those around me could know they didn’t have to go without help.
Unfortunately, I have close family members who have been reluctant to even tell people they were receiving therapy. I hurt for their shame and fear, and I also get angry that we as a society haven’t managed to remove this stigma.
I think it’s wonderful that you decided to post about this. My husband has been trying to get me to “work out my issues” with my family with a therapist for some time (I always say that’s what friends and blogs are for…), but I still feel that doing so is admitting that there’s something “wrong” with me. Of course, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Which makes me ruminate on the double standards we hold ourselves/the rest of the world to.
*ruminates*
Writing this post was a therapeutic thing to do in itself. In doing so you have raised your level of awareness and as you rise your level of awareness you are increasing your recovery time.
I’m totally with you on the openness thing. If treated depression still carries stigma for jobs that benefit from creativity, passion, and deep thinking, then somebody on the hiring side has their head in the sand and needs poking. At least, that’s my impression based on my circle of friends close enough to tell me such things. I guess it might just say something about my choice in friends…
Good thoughts coming your way.
I have struggled with the idea of “artificially transforming my personality” for about ten years now” and I think after being on and off meds I know just accept that I need a bit of a mood stabilizer to keep my clinical depression under control and to stay productive, motivated, healthy, and in some ways functional.
It’s been a long journey off acceptance from me, I am can really tell you in great detail the difference between being on and off the the medicine, but I think that the benefits outweigh the few downfalls that I see.
I try to really open about my need for medication, because I fee like it helps people get a fuller picture of me, and helps them to understands my not always so regular moods.
I think it takes a tremendous amount of bravery to admit you may need help, and to work towards personal change and growth. Thanks John for being so open. I wish you luck.
My take on medications – I certainly understand and sympathize with wanting to be medication free. I think that’s a great goal.
I also think there is a separate tolerance in our culture for anti-depressants versus medications for other medical conditions…allergies, high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, etc. Some people take these meds for awhile and then are able to stop them. Some aren’t, and will need to be on medication to treat HBP (or other conditions) for the rest of their lives. Should anti-depressants be considered any different?
Wow, a brave, revealing post– thank you for sharing.
Hmm. I think, like xJane, I must think about this.
On the more flippant side, but related, your post about Japanese music had be go browse. How strange music is for reminding us of the past, for inspiring to new, unspoken things.
It reminded me of being younger, of hope. Hope is very scary. Not having hope is difficult, crushing. Hope might be scarier, though. The black, dull pain versus color-rich dementia.
My parents are cynics, failurists, defeatists. They carry hope, but hope they cherish for something that can be held, not something at actually hits the ball out of the park. It’s Teddy Bear Hope. Hope that might get you a grounder and first base on an error, no more. Failure can rain out any game, though, or, even better, rip out an 8.0 quake and let you take home part of Candlestick park.
I hate their doomed hope. But real hope is scary. I’m not even sure I’m equipped with the mental pattern for it. What is it? How do you get hope that’s stronger, that hits it out of the park, or at least doesn’t have to kick itself all the time?
The only models I’ve seen are based on ignorance, which seems stupid. People that, by inheritance, have had smooth lives, and thus expect more smoothness. Where are the good, practical models for hope that will let me create little victories and work my way up to larger ones?
I find it odd that the pattern of sacrificing a lot of time to help others makes sense– yet helping one’s own self feels foreign. Maybe Christianity is good for instilling this into selfish people, but some of us could have used a few more “How to Help Yourself First without Feeling Terrible” classes.
Wow, John. What strikes me about this is the idea of artificially transforming one’s personality. I view the depression as the artificial transformation.
I’m also troubled by your phrasing of the positive results. I don’t think that positive movement towards reducing depression has ironic results at all. Maybe you meant that differently than I read it.
Thanks for posting this, John. I didn’t know whether to comment. I struggled so long with awful, suicidal depression–especially when I was at BYUI. I really did feel like an alien–I couldn’t possibly have belonged in such an unfriendly world. It seemed like all my skin was gone and my nerves were exposed all the time. I just felt and felt and felt everything.
My family was not very supportive (they’ve learned to be more so since then), but I had some good friends who helped me and eventually I found a really good counselor and a psychiatrist who was very good at figuring out meds. I don’t think I’ll ever be “ok” without the counseling and meds, but I feel pretty ok with them.
Thanks for reducing stigma.
If and when you do try to stop taking this drug, I want to advise you to reduce the dosage VERY slowly over an extended period of time. Drugs in this family can have very scary results when going off of them. I have mixed feelings about this whole issue. Yes there are many people that can be helped by treatment that are not reached because of social stigma. However there are others with perhaps marginal problems that are put on drugs by doctors that don’t understand how scary the effects can be when a dose is missed.
Many thanks to everyone for your encouragement and empathy. no name, I agree with your reduction advice, and committed to follow it.
I’m sorry that so many of us have to struggle with both the illnesses and the social stigma that’s piled on top of them.
JohnW, I was trying to capture my (continuing) ambivalence and my initial resistance regarding the drugs. So I’m relating experience, not opinion, and I didn’t do a good job of it. The irony was that what I thought (intially) of as artificial was bringing a seemingly natural and authentic me.
That said, being the relativist that I am, I’m have some reservations about labeling the happy me the “natural” me. It’s possible that the depressed me is more “authentic,” but there’s no doubt in my mind that the cheery me is *preferred.*
Hi John, I stumbled on your blog from your wife’s–I’m also a Mormon-turned Quaker. You are brave to put this out there, and your experience lends voice to a growing number of people who need to know that there is no shame in getting help for depressive disorder.
I suffer from anxiety/depression related to health issues, but it was always mild and manageable until a few years ago when my father died and I left the church, all in the same year. I would say that 75% of my therapy sessions are dedicated to dealing with the aftermath of my decision to leave the faith and the fallout/estrangement from family, etc. Ironic, because at the same time I feel more free and more able to be myself. Yet after a lifetime of Mormonism, I’m not sure I fully know how to do that yet. When you are prone to depression/anxiety anyway, trying to de-program yourself from this kind religious thinking is certainly a big trigger. The meds have given me my life back, many times over.
All this to say: thanks for posting this.
/hugs
Great post!
This is a raw issue for me. I’ve struggled with mental illness all my life. I was on and off of various medications throughout adolescence and early adulthood. I never felt that any of them helped me, and in many cases they made me worse. I wasn’t suicidal until Zoloft. Paxil gave me flat affect. Depakote made me insane. Everything made me sick and sluggish and destroyed my short-term memory. I’m kind of bitter that these drugs are effective for so many others when I’ve just had to keep suffering.
Mental illness is still heavily stigmatized, it’s true, but I disagree with the new approach of viewing head sickness as no different than body sickness. There are extreme differences between depression, anxiety, antisocial tendencies, etc., and diabetes or arthritis. It upsets me when mental illness is treated the same way that we “treat” physical illness, that is, with the Band-Aid approach of drugs – treating the symptoms, and doing so broadly and categorically, rather than treating individuals and root causes.
That being said, I’m thrilled that you are finding help, John, and that you’ve addressed this here so these topics can be openly discussed. There is a deep stigma of mental illness in my family – I went on Paxil for the first time at 12 and my grandmother whispered that she was on it for a while after her mother died. It was a big secret and that let me know that MY drug use should be a big secret, too. Almost everybody in my family has suffered from mental illness but nobody talks about it.
Uh oh, that second paragraph sounds like it could be judging of your situation, John, but I don’t mean it that way at all. This is the same situation as someone described above – double standards for self vs. others, and also broad applications to whole populations vs. compassion for individual circumstances.
I’ve struggled with several different mental health issues, and I’ve gone back and forth over the years in my willingness to be on psychiatric meds. I have a problem finding a line between illness and undesirable personality traits. I also think that the field of psychiatry has a lot to learn, and the fact that we are so clueless about the brain makes me hesitant to be on meds that affect brain chemistry. Then there’s the question of “who am I if my personality can be so easily altered?” And once it’s possible to alter personality, which personality gets to choose a desired personality? For instance, what if the me on meds would choose to remain on meds, but the me off meds would choose not to start meds? Or worse, what if the me off meds chooses to be on meds, but the me on meds chooses to be off meds? I probably think about all of this far too much…
Thank you for your willingness to be open about your own experience. It certainly makes me feel less alien.
I’m interested to hear about your experience with dream therapy if you choose to write more about that.
Just wanted to quickly respond to chandelle’s comment about comparing mental illness to physical illness.
I brought that up because in my own life, in this argument that I have had with people suffering from depression (sometimes severe depression) – this argument (if you had high blood pressure, you would get it treated) sometimes helps people to see that we do see physical illness and mental illness differently. But they both impact our quality of life. I’m not saying anyone was saying this – just that I really have had this argument before and I can’t say what I’m saying emphatically enough.
I have known many, many people over the years who have suffered from various forms of depression (including myself) and have responded to various treatments of different lengths and makeups. The only conclusion I’ve been able to draw is that without help (therapy and or meds), often it takes people a lot longer to get out of their funk – if at all.
And that perhaps it doesn’t make rational sense to be so willing to treat one type of illness (physical) but not the other (mental).
I agree wholeheartedly that individuals should be treated by professionals where possible. I am not in favor of throwing anti-depressant medication at everyone without real emotional work (sometimes through psychotherapy). Some sadness can be healthy and is normal.
I’m also not in favor of someone being on meds for the rest of their lives. There are some illnesses (like being bipolar) – where the person probably should stay on meds – and because of this attitude (treating physical illnesses only instead of mental illnesses) and other reasons they resist that treatment.
I’m glad you brought up the ambivalent feelings. I still have very weird feelings about drugs. I won’t share any personals, because I still, just can’t–and they are stupid, anyway. Really. Just not very sensible or intelligent. But what can you do about feelings?
Tim, thanks for your thoughts on hope. They were meaningful to me.
We are creatures of chemistry after all, and sometimes the mix gets out of kilter, simple as that. Hope you find the balance you are seeking!
I know several people who have come to terms with their own various degrees of depression, …who have come around very well. It sounds like the first step is acknowledgment, and then getting the appropriate treatment. Like Rich mentioned, we are after all creatures of chemistry, and when off kilter, there’s sometimes an imbalance. Good luck on this new path John, and thanks for sharing.
I feel for you John. Judging by the comments to your post, (a very unscientific method) depression would seem to be a more ‘normal’ part of human nature than we would wish to make it. As to whether thearapy, medications, spiritual exercises (meditation, prayer, etc.), physical exercises,…. are the answer to depression, I think it is in your best interest to see what works best for your particular situation, which may or may not include a lifetime regimen of medication. A view of medications as something to get through and over is not always the appropriate answer to depression (though it may be the answer, depending on the individual, type of depression, etc). My only advise would be to not rule out such a possibility as it might indeed be appropriate to your situation. Only time effort and thearapy will tell. Absolutes are for religionists and politicians, but are difficult to live our lives by….
Thanks again for your kind words, and hugs to those of you struggling similarly.
Asara, it’s really good to see you again. I share your existential questions that touch upon the malleable nature of personality.
Chandelle, no offense taken. My point, I think, is not that they should be treated in the same way, but that society should regard the treatment of both without shame.
“…the Band-Aid approach of drugs – treating the symptoms, and doing so broadly and categorically, rather than treating individuals and root causes.”
Very well said – I was quite concerned when my sister’s doctor prescribed anti-depressants yet didn’t mention any kind of counselling or therapy for the issues she faces…a switch of doctors and hey presto, they’re actually starting to tackle the ROOT CAUSE of why she is depressed. Light at the end of the tunnel, and thankfully she’s looking much better now.
I hope all goes well for you John; you’re very well supported by the sounds of it and even though it shouldn’t be thought of as ‘brave’ to open up like this (mental health should not be feared IMHO) I thank you for being courageous and doing so. Steps like this mean you WILL recover, and hopefully very quickly. And maybe it will even prompt someone else to open up and get help about their own depression after reading this