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Spark: Alternate Twilight Script.

Posted by John on November 24th, 2008 at 1:54 pm · 10 Comments

Twilight Cast

Thanks to Eric Snider, I don’t need to read the books now. Excerpt:

EDWARD: Anyhoo, these are the vampire friends I live with, the Cullens. They’ve been very eager to eat you.
BELLA: You mean meet me?
EDWARD: Meet you. What did I say?
ALICE: I’m Alice! I can see the future, but only when it’s useful to the plot. For example, right now: Look out for those mean vampires barging in from the forest!
MEAN VAMPIRE JAMES: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell the blood of a human!
EDWARD: Stay away from her! Bella, you’d better go. I don’t want you to have to see me fight this guy for your honor, our muscles straining as we grapple, the air thick with testosterone and the sounds of our throaty snarling.
BELLA: Right! I wouldn’t want to see that! Especially not if your shirts got torn off!

(h/t Johnsen Clan)

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10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Lessie // Nov 24, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    LOL! :)

  • 2 jjohnsen // Nov 24, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    And you know what? After seeing this with my wife, he isn’t too far off.

  • 3 Sean // Nov 24, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    Eric’s film treatment is a treat, but cleolinda really goes the extra mile with her recaps. Here’s her Twilight in Fifteen Minutes.

    Bella’s Room

    BELLA: Uh… how’d you get in?

    EDWARD: Through the window. I do that a lot. I oiled it so it wouldn’t make any noise. I’ve been standing in the corner of your room for two months now, watching you sleep every single night. You should really get a rocking chair in here, you know, I get bored just lurking there.

    BELLA: …

    EDWARD: So can I kiss you already or what?

  • 4 angryyoungwoman // Nov 24, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Oh, my! Those last few lines just make me a wee bit flustered.

  • 5 xJane // Nov 24, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    oh! I love it! My cousin just sent me the sndtrk today, which I love, and so I read it while listening. He’s right on! I love the speculation that Edward’s gay :-p and for all the lack of sex, there’s an awful lot of sex…

  • 6 Kisses // Nov 25, 2008 at 8:31 am

    After having read all the books (I can’t believe I manged to), I can safely say I won’t be seeing the movies.

  • 7 G // Nov 26, 2008 at 11:41 pm

    Ah! this was a breath of fresh air! I just got out of the theater after cringing through a good part of the flick.

    thank you thank you thank you!

  • 8 xJane // Nov 28, 2008 at 9:32 am

    I am thankful that, having now finally seen it, I will never have to watch Twilight again. Unfortunately, I’ll watch the second movie when it comes out and hate myself afterward. “Twilight: it’s like anonymous sex. You’re sorta glad you did it, but it still makes you feel dirty.”

    My husband (poor bastard), my cousin’s friend, and I were giggling and guffawing thru the whole thing. Cousin: not amused. At least someone enjoys it…

  • 9 cyndi64 // Dec 24, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    You are just jealous that she’s been successful and made millions and you…well, you haven’t!! :}

  • 10 xJane // Dec 28, 2008 at 7:54 am

    lol! cyndi64, if I could make money pretending to write, I totally would. I don’t think that making money has ever been the determiner of art, however…

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