My Church Visit, in which I am Taught to Show Love for Gays by Denying Them Wedded Bliss.

Last night I went, of my own free will and choice, to watch all the little California Mormons receive instructions (via satellite! Beat that, Scientologists!) from Church poobahs in their mountain Mecca. But John, you ask, wouldn’t it have been more fun to get that root canal you’ve always wanted? Or to give yourself bungie jumping wedgie? I went because it was my duty. For your sake, I would endure a wedgie from Dick Cheney himself.

I even took a super-secret spycam photo (by super-secret, I mean that I stuck my hand up in the air in a non-obvious way and nonchalantly aimed my Treo towards the pulpit. I think I had the shutter sound turned off.):

I’m sure that made you feel like you were there yourselves, but let me tell you, it’s not enough. I’ll provide more info so that like me, you too will want to stamp on your testicles to distract yourself from the insanity (or dance on your neighbor’s if you don’t have a pair immediately on hand).

Like many other Church meetings, this one involved a lot of lecturing by white guys in suits. One of them spoke directly to the young people of the church (which, from the perspective of most of the leadership, is everyone under mandatory retirement age) and asked them to use “YouTube” and “Podcasting” and “World of Warcraft (but only if you don’t use those lascivious elf harlots)” to “I believe you call it ‘go viral.’” If you received any Tweets or Facebook status updates encouraging you to cause your happily married gay friends to spontaneously divorce, that’s because Quentin L. Cook said that you’d love it if they did that! Someone may thank him by subjecting his home server to a “Denial of Service” or “SQL Injection” attack. Also, he said, “Our hearts go out to those who struggle with same sex attraction.” Then he couldn’t keep a straight face and burst out laughing: “I believe you young kids would say, ‘Psych!’” Then he added gleefully, “No marriage for you!”

The chairman for the LDS Prop 8 efforts, another white guy named Clayton–let’s just call him Chairman Clayton–talked strategy. He called for thirty volunteers in each ward in California (1200ish?) to show their love for gays by fighting hard to deny them marital bliss. Then he laid out a week by week plan of action, which included registering every Californian voter currently at BYU and putting pro-prop 8 signs almost but not quite in your yard. Six-pack Mos (that’s Sprite, folks) will also being doing lots of door to door canvassing, exchanging promises to keep the missionaries away from families for a year in exchange for Yes votes. Finally, Chairman Clayton rallied the troops, saying that if members were valiant, “California will still be yours” (exact quote, not kidding) and “your children attending public schools will not be sodomized in the halls” (not an exact quote, but sort of implied) and “God will make Sarah Palin the President of the United States” (not a quote at all, but you know that half the women and 75% of the men were fantasizing this).

After that, I kind of faded out. There was a video where another old white guy berated the California courts for going against the will of the people and heinously protecting the basic rights of his beloved gay brothers and sisters (but not beloved in the butt sex kind of way) and how tolerance means that God’s people have the right to tell others how to get married and how tolerance means that men and women must follow God’s example and have straight sex with their spouses even though for all intents and purposes God appears to be a male bachelor (and after all these centuries, his son still lives at home).

My impression of it all? Mormons are really fearful people. Maybe they’re afraid that they’ll try gay sex and they’ll like it! Or at least that their children will. Maybe they have every right to be. So, my dear gay friends out there, please exercise patience. Don’t convert their children or destroy their marriages until after Prop 8 passes.

23 thoughts on “My Church Visit, in which I am Taught to Show Love for Gays by Denying Them Wedded Bliss.

  1. I cannot even express how angry I am at the church right now.

    It’s not enough that they teach their members to dehumanise gays, but they also have to blatantly lie to hundreds of thousands, perhaps even millions of people who will do whatever the church leaders tell them to and will believe anything the church leaders say, despite ridiculous amounts of evidence to the contrary. And then these people, armed with the lies of their church leaders, merrily go about trying to take away the rights of fellow humans because they don’t believe in the same religion.

    The members are afraid that all civilisation will become degenerate and evil, because everything homo/bi/transsexual is satanic (obviously), that their children will become gay (too bad that the ones that will be gay are already gay, and you can’t stop it), and that all the lies the church leaders are telling them will actually come true, which of course the won’t, because, well, they’re all lies. The leaders on the other hand, are afraid of losing power and influence, and are afraid their sexist, homophobic doctrines will no longer inspire people to join their church and donate scads of money if the rest of society is showing them that it is ok to treat all people equally and that all humans deserve the same rights, and are created equal, and that real tolerance means that unless someone is harming someone else, you let them do what ever the hell the want.

    And that is why I am angry.

  2. I can understand your motivation to attend and see what, exactly, they are feeding their sheep, but I don’t know how you didn’t throw up in the middle of all that. I felt my blood boiling just reading your account. There are so many names for what they’re doing: mass hysteria, witch hunt, mob mentality, indoctrination, brainwashing…

  3. Oh my heart is heavy.

    I spent last night in South Pasadena working on the “No On 8″ campaign. It is the first time I have ever done any campaigning (besides for my class president attempt in junior high) and it was incredibly difficult and eye-opening. Don’t get me wrong – South Pas was open and, if not already on board, willing to talk. For me, however, it was difficult to realize that I was very publicly taking a stand which puts me in the minority of most I know. I sat two tables away from the opposition which was staffed by members of a local ward. And was frequented by other members. Then this morning I opened my reader to find that four more of my friends have announced their side and are urging everyone to join them. I respect their freedom to choose what they feel – if only I felt that everyone was getting to choose. And while I respect that we don’t all have to agree – I cannot understand why on this issue we don’t.

    Time for me to get talking…

  4. ugh. My friend who facebooked “is yes on 8!” claims he didn’t go, “but wished [he] had a chance to” because “it’s such a divisive issue” and he “feel[s] really strongly about it”. I wonder how “tolerant” he is of gays.

    The protesters hanging out on the road on my way to school had a sign equating Prop 8 with freedom of speech. Which I guess means “enshrinement of hatred”, since the way I look at it, Prop 8 is against “the pursuit of happiness” and denies extant rights and is basically an effort to legislate conservative christian morality.

    Look, I’m happy to let people do their thing as it pertains to religion. Whether that means swinging live chickens around your head, symbolic cannibalism, or hating your next door neighbor. But do it in private, okay? Don’t make me do it. And don’t tell me I should. Freedom of religion means you get to be crazy and I’m okay with it. It doesn’t mean you get to infect others with your crazy.

  5. Hey John, was this a meeting specifically designed to address California’s gay initiative? If so, Chilling indeed….. “we are the priests, of the temple, of Salt Lake, all the gifts of life are held within our walls…..”

  6. The protesters hanging out on the road on my way to school had a sign equating Prop 8 with freedom of speech. Which I guess means “enshrinement of hatred”, since the way I look at it, Prop 8 is against “the pursuit of happiness” and denies extant rights and is basically an effort to legislate conservative christian morality

    Exactly. I was so angry yesterday, (and am still very angry today), that I did a purge of facebook “friends” who actively support Prop 8. In fact some of them used to be actual friends, but not any more.

    I simply don’t understand why this is even being perceived as legal, or constitutional, let alone moral. This is clearly a violation of the separation of church and state, of the stated purpose of the creation of the US, and of basic human rights. I am so incredibly disgusted with this country right now, and the ignorant masses who think they have the right to treat me this way.

  7. This may explain the e-mail I got from an old friend on Thursday, calling me to repentance for my views on SSM.

  8. Craig: good for you—I still have a vague amount of hope that my few ignorant friends might come out of this on the other side (luckily my Facebook is stocked with raving liberals).

    The church/state issue came up parenthetically at the debate at my school a while ago: it’s not a church/state issue because you can’t pin down one church. They’ve formed groups that are outwardly apolitical—there are some religions who are against Prop 8. That’s how they get/got around that argument.

  9. Yeah, I know. But just because it’s not one church but a collection of churches and religions doesn’t mean it is any more legal or right. The phrase “Separation of Church and State” doesn’t refer to a single church or Christianity, but rather to religion in general.

  10. An ad came on tv last night and it was no on prop 8, but for me just having it brought up at all just brings my blood to a boil. When the commercial ended I said I was glad it was no on prop 8 because otherwise I am not sure that we’d still have a tv. Then my friend I the room asked me if I was voting no, and it made me wonder how we were really friends if he didn’t know the answer to that question.

    I actually feel kind of ashamed of how enraged this issue made me. I would not have been able to sit where you did calmy, I can barely park next to cars with yes bumper stickers.

  11. catbonny,

    I feel the same way. I’ve been able to be mostly rational up until yesterday when all the anger and frustration just boiled over. I know that my parents (who are mormon, my dad is a bishop) went to that meeting, and they’ve probably donated a hell of a lot of money. money they won’t give me to help me out with school because they’re punishing me for leaving mormonism/living the “homosexual lifestyle”.

    I am absolutely furiously enraged, and I can’t seem to calm down.

  12. k, johnR… I’m DYING to know just how incognito you were (with your spycam and all).

    (and what color shirt were you wearing? :)

    on a local note, here in az they are merely trying to RE-WRITE the state constitution on the matter…

  13. Today in my South Carolina ward the yearly First Presidency political neutrality letter was read over the pulpit. I noticed that the part about not using Church buildings for political purposes was no longer in the letter. Every year we hear “The Church affirms its neutrality regarding political parties, platforms, and candidates.” At which point I was going to leap to my feet and derisively shout, “HAH!” But the letter ended by stating “The Church also affirms its constitutional right of expression on political and social issues.” So there you have it. A tightrope where the Church can be in compliance with non-profit status and yet assert all kinds of political influence.

  14. I’ve heard that active members who oppose Prop 8 have now “gone viral” by sneezing whenever the words “same sex” or “proposition” are uttered in church meetings.

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