“complicated by feelings of guilt and shame reinforced by my environment: I felt unworthy, because my partner deserved to be married to a worthy priesthood holder; I was married to someone who for some time thought I was placing the her eternal welfare and that of her children in jeopardy”

yep, that is a lot of what i am going through right now. well… not the worthy priesthood holder part, but the guilt that I have betrayed my husband.

very good post. very helpful.

Isn’t the fact that your own family disowned you for converting to Mormonism a demonstration of them using the “God First, Family Second principle.”?

Yet another characteristic of God that I cannot believe in is that he doesn’t want us to be in close relation with others especially our family. But again that might just be me being all picky and choosey about how I think God would be.

I don’t know if I believe in God, but I do know that if I did believe in God there would be certain things about him/her that I couldn’t believe and the will of a divine power to separate one from their family just doesn’t sit right with me.

And is there a greater trick of the human mind than the tendancy to think that perceived grace and benevolence makes right and just and worthy of 7 x 70?

I remember well the guilt trips about not being Catholic when I left the church, it was definitely couched in terms that made me feel like I had failed as a daughter, sister, and aunt. Many also indicated to me that I was putting DH’s soul at risk since I had not yet successfully converted him…

You’re absolutely right: it’s Church first, not family.

My poor mother was constantly criticized and told she was a failure by her “friends” at church because she wasn’t able to bring her husband and children into the Mormon fold; she would often come home in tears. We would attend services with her occasionally just so she could show she was making an effort to convert us.

Mormons definitely use family relationships as a lever to keep members in the church. It’s reprehensible.

In my personal experience, it is not the guilt about leaving the church that causes some anger, or a desire to speak about these things, but rather it is seeing the way others are continuing to be treated and being angry that such injustices occur and are being propagated by a church which makes such lofty claims of the importance of families and love and understanding.

I believe, and I think that John is saying the same, that family ought to be the first priority, not adhering to some hateful doctrine, or spending every night fulfilling your calling, or shunning those in your family who don’t believe the same as you do.

I find it quite offensive to be told that the only reason I am allowed to be angry at the actions of the church and some church members is because I have some sort of pent-up guilt over my actions, as if I were in the wrong for promoting universal love, understanding and tolerance, no matter what your religion or lack thereof.

I acknowledge that you didn’t experience the church this way, and am genuinely happy for you that you didn’t. I hope you’ll respond to this post in the spirit in which it was intended. I have other posts (most of them are older, when I was struggling with those questions) in which I engage in more philosophical and rational arguments against the existence of God. But that said, I’m a storyteller first, philosopher second.

“So what happens when a young Mormon mother or father comes to intellectual maturity as a feminist, atheist, agnostic, pagan, universalist, humanist, etc.,”

This is not a very intelligent comment. So paganism is acceptable and mormism is not?

Our personal beliefs are just as dogmatic as thiers. I have never encountered in my life or family a terrible church leader. I only hear stories from people like you guys trying to bolster thier case for leaving the church. You guys need to be comfortable with leaving without making faulty arguments. It is a the guilt that still grips you guys and make you angry. Let it go.

Sorry for all the quotation marks, but they just feel necessary as I write this.

I didn’t feel a lot of the pressures that a lot of people feel when leaving the church, simply because while my mother was baptized into the church, she has never been an active member. Oh, she attended meetings every once in awhile, but she never had a calling other than as a visiting teacher and probably only got baptized because of the pressure from the missionaries after my dad passed away. Goodness knows that I tried to convince her it wasn’t necessary, even though I was pretty active at the time.

But, I’ve seen that pressure put on others, not only to not leave the church but also the pressure on nonmembers in part-member families to be baptized, so as not to put the whole family in jeopardy of not being able to be together in the afterlife.

People talk about Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt, but as far as I can see the biggest organized guilt-making machine among the religions belongs to the LDS church.

My husband outed us to his parents a couple of weeks ago, and I was completely amazed by his father’s response. He said that he thought it was important for people to come to their own conclusions, rather than following a script, or doing what their parents pressured them to. When I spoke to my MIL the other day, church didn’t even come up, and she was the same as always. We had been so afraid to tell them because they are so hard-core, and thought she, especially, would have an aneurysm. I’m sure we’ll still get lectured when we go to visit.

So far, the only people that have delivered any “you’re putting your kids’ futures in jeopardy” lectures were the Stake reps who came to visit when Derek asked to be released from the EQP.

It was, to some degree, easier for me because I wasn’t married, and was living on my own, but the repercussions are still pretty hard to deal with. My parents, aunts and uncles see me as a filthy sinner who could corrupt their children, and don’t want me to be around them or be honest with them about who I am. My family treats me disrespectfully not becuase they don’t love me or care about me, but because their church tells them I’m inherently inferior, that my life, the way I love isn’t as good as the way they do it.

The huge irony is that the church does all this under the guise of “protecting” families, when all it is doing with it’s narrow definitions of love, happiness and family is tearing families apart and making parents and children miserable.