I Kissed a Girl (& I Liked It) is the title of the “#1 Pop Hit” of the summer. I even heard it on the radio the other day (although not before I heard the article).
This hits on something I’d been thinking of bringing up around here: the fact that female-on-female, shall we call it “experimentation”, is socially accepted or encouraged where as male-on-male “experimentation” is frowned upon and derided.
Yeah, I like girls and I’m attracted to girls, too, but overall we would end up with boys, like to marry & be normal with boys.
A friend of mine was recently telling me how he dated a woman who was bi (but not out) and wanted his permission to make out with girls at parties, so that no one would suspect her of being bi. This was a concept that confused the hell out of me, but he explained that a het girl in a relationship would not consider making out with other girls “cheating” whereas a bi girl would. And, of course, if the het girls noted that one of their number didn’t want to “cheat”, she would be immediately outed as bi.
It still kinda makes my head spin. Meanwhile, of course, the boys in the room would not do anything that would cause anyone to suspect that they had any desire/inclination to do the same [by making out with others of their gender].
So how far can a het girl go before people might think she was bi? Or worse (!) lesbian? Is it progress that acting bi is seen as normal and expected (even if it’s limited to hets-acting-bi, rather than actual bi people)? Or is this just another way that women are socially trapped into fulfilling male fantasies?
Being bi is a trend.
But only for girls.
11 responses so far ↓
1 wren // Jul 15, 2008 at 2:41 pm
This purely my opinion and observation.
I think a lot of girls are making out with others girls not out of their own interest in women but to turn guys on. I’m in my 30s (late 30s). When I was in my teens and 20s straight women did not make out with other women.
What changed? Girls Gone Wild videos started being made. That’s what changed.
I’m all for people doing whatever and whomever pleases themselves as long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else. However, I don’t think this is about what pleases them but what pleases men.
Like so much that young women do from how they dress and how far they go, it’s being subtly managed by what turns men on. Their motivation for making out with women is suspect.
As for why it’s not acceptable for men on men make out sessions, it’s because it doesn’t get a large segment of women turned on to watch that. If it did, maybe it would be more acceptable. But I doubt it. It’s ever been about our desires. We don’t push it enough.
Worth a whole other post altogether - why is it that our society uses terms like “cocksucker” and “pussy” to insult people? Though men love being on the receiving end of oral pleasure, apparently being the giver is disgusting enough that it’s useful as an insult. Wouldn’t it makes more sense to call someone a cocksucker if they made your day? And while straight men love women’s genitalia, “pussy” (and other slang for it) is a term that’s come to be equated with the weak and pathetic.
Getting off soapbox now. (Well not getting off…)
2 xJane // Jul 15, 2008 at 2:54 pm
There is a movement right now that’s about reclaiming “cocksucker”, “you suck”, &c. (not a “movement” that’s organized by any stretch, but most people I know are part of this movement). When such phrases are used, they get turned around: “You suck!” is responded to with “Is that really a bad thing?” or “But I’m good at it!” or the like. I’ve started hearing these less and less as pejoratives, at least in my general age group & people I hang out with (this is not just me, btw, and males are in on it, too).
3 wren // Jul 15, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Oops. I had a typo (like when don’t I). “It’s ever been about our desires.” should read “It’s never been about our desires.”
xjane, reclaiming is a good thing.
I’d also like to see more men (hell, women too)know the diff between a vagina and a clitoris and/or labia. Everytime some celebutant gets out of a car sans undies and people say “And you could see her va-jay-jay.” I cringe. Really? Her vagina? Was there a speculum involved or was she doing the splits? Cuz I’m betting that’s not what was showing.
4 xJane // Jul 15, 2008 at 5:50 pm
haha, I didn’t even notice :-p
and agreed: I’ve corrected many a person on that. Drives me crazy. Although it usually kills a conversation, lol! (also, I hate “vajayjay”, just fucking say “vagina”. Or don’t. if you’re afraid of it, don’t go there)
I’d also like to take issue with the fact that this is the result of GGW vids. I would say that GGW vids are a symptom, in addition to…whatever we want to call this: girls-being-fake-bi?, but that they are both symptoms of a broader social theme of women-do-things-to-get-noticed-by-men. Post Sexual Revolution, this becomes perhaps more…racy?…but I don’t think it’s much different from high heels, nylon tights, circle skirts, corsets, or petticoats.
I’d like to think that, unlike corsets, it might have the effect of normalizing two sections of non-hetero-normative attraction: bi and lesbian.
Also, I have to admit that I like short skirts and corsets. My husband’s opinion matters (and we’ve had the discussion about why guys like heels), but ultimately I dress to make myself feel good. I know many who feel similarly about make-up. Alternately, my sister thinks I should wear make-up “for my husband”. I’m not quite certain that this is “internalized patriarchy”, but I could understand that argument.
5 wren // Jul 15, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I feel GGW’s widespread saturation of commercials and infomercials makes it one of the lynchpins. Call it a symptom, sure. It’s a symptom like the multitude of spots are on someone with chicken pox. It may be a virus inside but it is the visible manifestation that itches like hell and sells calomine.
6 John // Jul 15, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I wonder where Yaoi manga fits into this discussion? For those who aren’t familiar with it, its a class of manga marketed towards adolescent women in Japan (and now in the U.S.) that depicts romances between effeminate men (especially when contrasted to the typical hyper-masculine heroes/villains that populate manga-land). As far as I know, there is a small portion of gay male readers, but the primary consumers are definitely teenage girls.
7 Quin // Jul 16, 2008 at 12:01 pm
I absolutely agree with the double standard you’ve presented. While it may appear at first that this is some kind of big step toward gender equality, it’s really not. This song raises that idea among men that if he can get one woman, more than one is better. A woman kissing another girl is no problem, because she says: “I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.” A woman can’t get pregnant or be penetrated by another woman, so it’s non threatening behavior. She’s still remaining sexually receptive to the man, and her hookup with another girl invites the possibility that the man might be able to get with both of them. It’s a bizarrely anti-feminist song that almost brings polygamy to mind.
Well, that and a sensationalistic pop song that knew it would self-market by being controversial.
8 xJane // Jul 16, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Quin: true dat.
I remember having this conversation with my husband back when we were dating b/c I just didn’t get why lesbians were attractive to him. If they’re interested in each other, there is no room for him, so what’s the big deal?? Obviously this is not a fantasy singular to him :-p
I’ve often thought about Yaoi, too. At AX/ComicCon, everyone seems into it. They bring thousands of paddles to give away each year and they’re gone in an hour. Both sides of the gender aisle proudly carry them, blatantly browse, and buy with impunity. But put the same people in the Adult section of the video store and they’d freak out or steer clear of the male gay porn. Somehow, Yaoi manages to be non-threatening to (American het) men in the same way that girl-on-girl is. Is it because they’re so effeminate that they “scan” as female? Isn’t falling for a transexual also frowned upon in mainstream-het-society?
I feel out of the loop, since I identify as “het” but don’t get most of the hangups other het ppl have :-p (I’m sure I have some, though)
9 chandelle // Jul 17, 2008 at 2:27 pm
i do believe the issue is primarily women submitting to the currently fashionable desires of men. because, of course, if a man sees two women making out or making love, he surely believes that all they need is a hot cock to spice things up. because of course two women could not REALLY be satisfied alone. or perhaps it’s a slavery fantasy: TWO mouths, TWO vaginas, TWO women servicing his every need.
sorry. it’s a misandrystic (?) day.
personally, i do not believe these labels apply in such black & white ways. i believe sexuality is a continuum and we’re not all on the same point, even during the same lifetime. i have at various times in my life been attracted to women and since it was never acted upon or even spoken of, it had nothing to do with men - just attraction, passion, interaction with someone completely fabulous. my husband knows this about me, is accepting of its reality and instead of leering about it, has instead considered his own sexuality as fluid and remarks occasionally that he might be attracted to a man in the right situation.
“female chauvinist pigs” addresses the GGW phenomenon extremely well. as for ridiculous bullshit euphemisms like “va-jay-jay” or refusing to observe that the vagina is just one part of the whole (and arguably, not even the most important part), all i can say to that is: prevention is the best cure. my daughter, at 20 months, knows the word “vulva” and what it refers to. my son, at 3, understands that he and his papa have a penis and a scrotum while his sister and his mama have a vulva, which comprises a vagina, labia and a clitoris. simple as pie. using ridiculous terminology only convinces children (and adults!) that there is something scary, mysterious or shameful about those parts.
great post.
10 xJane // Jul 18, 2008 at 5:48 pm
chandelle: I’m with you on the sliding scale thing. It sounds like the consensus around here is that this is essentially the fulfilling of male fantasies by willing women. But I’m sure that in there somewhere are women who don’t fall in the “expected” place on the scale, enjoying the freedom that this gives them.
Also? I love that your children know the real words for things. I know I grew up not knowing even the slang words for most sexual concepts. (I had a protracted conversation with one 4th grade classmate about how everyone has sex: she and I have “female” sex and some other people are male!) When I finally did start learning about body parts, it was a quite traumatic experience…you are doing your children a huge favor which will serve them well in the future!
11 Cecilie // Jul 22, 2008 at 10:02 am
I have somehow managed to miss this song, but as it has now been brought to my attention, I can only say: WHY?
Figures that this would sell…
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