Here’s a few:
- Bipolar Disorder
- Postnatal Depression
- Depression with Psychotic Features
- Dysthymia
I suspect that my favorite flavor is dysthymia, a sort of bland vanilla version of the depressive mood disorders. I like mine served up with a bit of insomnia, inability to concentrate, ongoing irritability, and a dull but persistent pessimism.
Why bring this up now? And in this venue? Because blogging is one way that I choose to try to understand myself. I also believe that the things we do not want to talk about are exactly the issues we should confront in the open. Airing these things out has the benefit of removing shame, discovering hidden resources and helping others who suffer similarly to feel less isolated. I know that it’s high risk, and not everyone will be generous with such revelations, but the rewards are worth it.
You may wonder if there is a connection between my religious belief and depression. To quote Facebook, “It’s complicated.” My worst episode was my entire sophomore year of high school (which included my dalliance with cutting and some contemplation of suicide). I converted to Mormonism at the beginning of my junior year, and I credit the LDS Church for helping me by providing a social environment full of healthy relationships. I think I was depressed for the last part of my mission, but that might have been healthy grieving brought on by my dear grampa’s passing.
Later, the Church definitely exacerbated things by not giving me a space to question and to come to terms with my doubt. Sunstone and Outhouse countered this somewhat. Leaving Mormonism helped by stripping away much of the guilt that was at the root of my anxieties.
I’m not sure if this counts as religious, but the entry of the U.S. into Iraq launched a year long funk.
My career struggles have sparked episodes as well. My second worst bout came not with leaving the Church but with making the decision to turn down my acceptance into Stanford’s graduate program in Religious Studies. I’m trying to resolve this ongoing problem by divorcing my existential concerns from my career plans and my sense of self-worth from work.
I sometimes wish I didn’t spend so much of my life becoming self-aware. Some people seem to be born with a keen knowledge of who they are and what makes them tick. I imagine I’ll spend the rest of my life on a voyage of self-discovery.
At any rate, I seem to be climbing out of several months in the hole, and my time ‘down below’ has definitely impacted my presence here on Mind on Fire. I am grateful to xJane and Zach for keeping the blog going with stimulating posts. I’m especially grateful to xJane for her friendship, which manifests itself primarily through this blog (and occasional geeky forays into Anime conventions, German festivals and experimentation with absinthe).
My flavor of depression is not one of the severe varieties. But it affects my performance and the quality of my own life and of those dearest to me. There’s too much in this life to rejoice and revel in: a singular family, wonderful friends, a stimulating job, good health, and a glorious world.
So I’m going on a diet. I’m substituting my daily devouring of depression with healthier, happier fare. Regular helpings of creative stew. Maybe a bit of that bitter stuff that my doctor cooked up. Potlucks with friends. For dessert, reveries with a generous serving of sunshine.
