Ryan and xJane: I totally think we should have a German spouses night….

And actually, Elise, I _am_ German–but it’s been a few generations (you might remember that my maiden name is German). I suppose I could whip up a batch of rotkohl and see if that gets me anywhere with Ryan

In fact, I remember quite a few experiences that seem to teach that it is ok. Starting with my first bishop’s interview – I was seven years old and about ready to be baptized – I was alone in an office with a married man. At seven it was a very casual thing, by the time I was 12 and 13 and 14, I was alone with a married man who was asking me very invasive and private questions about my sexuality, whether I knew what the word masturbation meant or not, and how much time I spent thinking about members of the opposite sex.

Also, I remember a couple of times when my ride home from girls’ camp (2-3 hours) was with a married man (a member of the bishopbric or stake presidency). Granted, there was at least 2-3 other girls in the car, but still, 3-4 sixteen year olds and a married man isn’t all that different.

I also remember friends whose older brothers had gotten married. They’d be around when I was around, and I imagine there were many times when I was alone in a room with them for a few minutes, and I never thought twice about it. I’m pretty sure I had crushes on just about all of them, but the fact that they were married didn’t cross my mind so much because it was so innocent. I was young.

Then again, I would never have dreamed of getting an apartment as a single adult and having a man in the other room. I empathize with Amelia because when I try to predict what my parents reaction would be, I picture World War 3 in my imagination!

Maybe it is because I did not marry myself in the church, but I never felt these anxieties toward married men.

Jana, you are welcome to have dinner with Ryan sometime – just the two of you!!! Only because you aren’t German, though. If you were German, I wouldn’t be able to trust that it would be totally platonic…. *sigh*, Ryan and his love affair with the motherland….

Zenaida, thank you for stopping by My college (a liberal Catholic/Jesuite one) also had “strict!” policies about who could be where when. The whole arrangement I described above with my 3rd roommate was way not sanctioned by any one who might have had any power to stop it from happening. Although in what I found to be an entertaining loophole, the student handbook said that members of the opposite sex were not allowed to “sleep” in your room. So, I suppose, as long as no sleeping was going on when you got caught, all was forgiven. I don’t know anyone who go written up for it, or even reprimanded, and I know a lot of it (sleeping, either in the intended manner, as I in my now husband’s room, or the unintended and more innocent manner, as my friend above in my room) was going on.

I think the cavalier attitude of my peers helped cement what I attribute above to growing up abroad. If you think you shouldn’t be having sex (and lets be honest, this is what worries people), then don’t. If you think that being alone around a member of the opposite sex would make you have sex (or want to, occasion of sin & all that), then fine: don’t put yourself in that kind of a situation. But in general, I think most people can act in a civilized fashion around most other people. And the neighbors be damned.

Incidentally, as a married woman, when we need to have work done on our apartment, I usually end up letting in two (not sure of their marital status…does it matter?) men to fix it. I let them do their thing, and then they leave. I know judo & where I keep knives, so I’m not concerned about them trying anything. I also just kinda trust that they’re human and not animals. (I did once answer the door in my robe because I’d not yet woken up further than that.)

All I can think is: what kind of minds do people who come up with such policies have? Are they so subject to their own hormones that they would automatically try to initiate some sort of “inappropriate interaction” any time they were alone with someone of the opposite gender? Because what else would make them think of something like that? If they are that helpless before their own passions, I suspect that they should not be in a position where they get to make rules that others are expected to follow.

My feeling is that such policies are harmful, in that they send the message that in the end no one is to be trusted, ever. That is not a healthy way of thinking and it has harmful repercussions far beyond relationships between individuals.

“Do you want me to hang out at a restaurant while you shower?”

I paused. What the heck was she talking about?

“Don’t be silly. You can use my wireless while I shower and shave.”

“Um… OK.”

In retrospect, I realize (and have confirmed) that it was this married-and-single-alone effect.

And it makes me laugh out loud!

i had my own run-in over “scandal” with family members a few years ago when i decided to room with a man. i didn’t know him, but people i trusted knew and liked and recommended him as a good person. the apartment was perfect. he and i got along. and i needed a place to live that was not my parents house. my parents were not pleased (that is an understatement). i’ve never heard my dad use such a near-scary dogmatic tone of voice before. and their primary objection (other than it just being inconceivable to them that a single man and woman should live together under any circumstances) was what other people think. and all i can do is say so what? i don’t care what they think. they shouldn’t spend so much time speculating about possible salacious goings-on that are none of their business.