Note: This is the latest installment of “Leaving the Garden,” a weekly series in which we ask someone to reflect on their journey from religious conviction to uncertainty, from dogmatism to doubt. Religion is filled with stories of faith; here we will collect narratives of unbelief. If you’d like to share your story of doubt, please leave a comment indicating your interest and I will contact you with guidelines.
This week’s contributor is Kevin, who I met in a course on Modern Atheism. He is currently a graduate student in philosophy in Germany and has an excellent blog in which he messes with philosophers and has been known to make detailed comparisons between individual philosophers and members of the X-men. He prefers to describe himself in the following manner: “Kevin is a thought trainer. He asks thoughts to enter his mind and tells them, with his best German accent, ‘I will pump… you up!’ He also likes photography.”
My first encounter with religion only lasted around two weeks. In (circa) the first grade my parents sent my sister and me to Sunday school. My first reason for not wanting to go was because I wanted to sleep in; the second reason was because I found the teacher’s drawing of heaven and hell strange (heaven on top, living people in the middle, hell on the bottom). God, heaven and hell were all new concepts to me because they were never used at home – I was not interested in hearing more about them and my parents didn’t force us to go back. I didn’t think about God or religion again until people started asking me about my beliefs when I was in my late teens. Because I was unprepared for these questions, I told people that I believed in a God – when asked a second time I would say, “I guess I don’t”. That is when my second encounter with religion started. I began reading both first and secondary texts and was compelled to be critical and compelled to use the word “atheist” as a descriptor to my character. I eventually forgot about religion again and questions about God.
These days I shy away from the word “atheist” because I don’t like to be tied to “theism”. I’m not the negation of something, theism isn’t the worldview and mine is its negation. When people ask me about God I tell them that I’m non-religious, which is interpreted as non-practicing. What I mean, of course, is that my life is without religion.
I suppose the word “skeptic” describes me fairly well as I approach theories of the world with the intention of finding their merely subjective (or human) underpinnings. I don’t believe in Truth so, like one opens a book to look for Waldo, I look for the un-truth (un-truth is also constantly wearing red and white striped shirts and hats). I study philosophy not to find answers but to encounter and overcome non-answers. I don’t feel I’m missing something or that there is a hole that needs to be filled. I’m sitting in my chair feeling very fulfilled.
My parents received heavy criticism from my Father’s family for not raising my sister and me more religiously. I imagine them being surprised when they found out that I led an introduction to moral theory class. My parents now admit that they were nervous about whether or not they made the right choice in raising us outside of religion – they don’t regret their choice, however, because my sister and I are doing just spiffy.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Lessie // Feb 1, 2008 at 7:55 am
Kevin, I love your Nietzsche reflection there. Very cool. Nietzsche is one of my favorite philosophers. I remember studying him in my undergraduate work and being heavily drawn to his will to power and god is dead rhetoric . . . of course, I was still a theoretical full believer, so my fascination scared me, but later I realized there’s a lot of good to be found in his work.
Just out of curiosity, what do you plan on doing with your degree? When I tell people I want to go into philosophy in grad school, they look at me like I’ve lost my mind and remind me how useless such a pursuit is. I just want to teach (but at a graduate level– everyone’s interested in being there).
2 Kevin // Feb 1, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Hi Lessie. During my MA program my department had a position opening both years (which is rare). Both times about 150 people applied for the spot – not because they were all super interested in this one position but because, as recent graduates, they were forced to send out their job applications all over the nation to as many job openings as possible. The market is full of PhDs looking for a home.
I’m pursuing the degree to discover things, to find an opinion, to become educated (all useful things!) but not with the expectation that I’ll get a job teaching philosophy.
If you are worried about job prospects, philosophy graduate school won’t offer you much. Philosophy will, however, offer you other things that I think are much more valuable. Hope that helps!
3 Kevin // Feb 1, 2008 at 12:33 pm
I didn’t want to make it sound like becoming a Professor is impossible or highly improbable. If you play the game right (publish, teach as a graduate student, produce a thesis in one of the subcategories of philosophy that Universities are interested in) you would have a good fighting chance.
4 the narrator // Feb 3, 2008 at 3:16 pm
happy birthday john
5 John // Feb 3, 2008 at 8:48 pm
thanks!
6 xJane // Feb 9, 2008 at 10:41 am
Kevin: this is exactly what I envy about true atheists (non-religious) like you and my husband. There is absolutely nothing missing in your life. Give many thanks to your parents on the next parents’ days: they have given you a gift greater than faith. As much as I want to be at peace with my atheism, I feel that the fact of god has insinuated itself so much into my psyche that I’ll never be a true atheist. I look up to people like you.
I also sympathize with your struggle with vocabulary. “Atheist” and “non-religious” define a person in relation to religion, just as “Catholic” or “Muslim” do. My husband describes himself as “humanist” in an effort to get away from any kind of god-or-theist-leaning words.
Also, is that a giant photo of John you’re standing before? I ask, of course, because of the hair.
7 Kevin // Feb 10, 2008 at 5:25 am
xJane –
.
I’ll remember to thank my parents the next time it is appropriate to do so (i.e.; next time I talk to them).
Unfortunately that isn’t a giant picture of John but if I ever do see a picture of John on the street I will most definitely mimic his pose
It most likely takes a strong person to challenge and change the beliefs they grew up with – that strength is a quality I admire in atheists who were raised in a religion.
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