I recently went to get tea at my favorite tea joint & as I was walking away, I realized why I really like my favorite baristo (I know, it’s Italian, but still): he looks like my hairdresser!
I immediately felt like sharing this but needed to get back to work. So I played out the conversation in my mind:
“You really look like my hairdresser!
…no offense.”
and then I added mentally, “he’s not gay…”
Which absolutely disgusted me.
My hairdresser (and I say “my” because I paid him to do my hair once, maybe four months ago, & am plotting to go back to him to pay him to do it again, maybe in about four months, because this is how often I think about doing my hair…) is a very nice man, very good at what he does, and his girlfriend is a colorist. His girlfriend came up quite early in our conversation and, in a field dominated by women or gay men, I guess I understand that he feels its necessary to make the distinction. Prior to his mention of her, his sexuality had not really entered my mind, but after he said it, I evaluated him & decided he did not appear to be gay. If…that’s something one can appear to be.
The baristo in question is also in no way on one or the other side of the sexuality fence. Nor do I ever think of him in sexual terms (except in the thoughts above). In fact, unlike hairdressing, which I would agree is probably dominated by women & gay men, baristing does not seem to be a gendered occupation.
My disgust comes from my own need to tell this man, who I see a few times a week, that he looks like this other man, and then to attempt to soothe his sexual ego. What if he were gay (and who knows! he might be!), that would surely offend him. If he were not & took offense, thinking that I called him gay, I’d certainly think of him differently the next time I showed up for tea.
I hope he’s the kind of person who would have called me on it: “why are you apologizing for comparing me to a gay man? do you think homosexuality is shameful?”
No, I don’t. But I also don’t think it’s socially acceptable enough to mention such a comparison without shame. Mea maxima culpa.
4 responses so far ↓
1 John // Jan 24, 2008 at 3:10 pm
This is a fascinating little window into our unspoken interactions with each other.
While you’re taking the very Catholic approach and shaming yourself for having such thoughts,
I recommend the Buddhist approach (which you’ve already started by writing this post!): watch yourself go through this process, and become aware of what it is that you’re doing. I’d like to think that this awareness, and not the shame, is the key to moving away from falling into these mental traps.
2 Agnostic or Atheist? | Mind on Fire. // Jan 24, 2008 at 6:20 pm
[…] My Hairdresser is Heterosexual […]
3 Sean // Jan 26, 2008 at 4:36 pm
My hairdresser brought up his girlfriend in our first conversation, too. I had assumed it was because he sensed I was gay and wanted to keep me from, I don’t know, hitting on him, or asking him out, or setting him up with my best male friend. But maybe he automatically brings her up with every client, just to assert his heterosexuality in a field dominated by male homosexuals and female heterosexuals.
At BYU I never believed protestations of heterosexuality, mainly because (as I knew very well from experience) there are so many reasons why a gay guy would want to pass as straight. Now that I’m out of that personality-deforming wasteland, I’m having trouble adjusting to a world where maybe, just maybe, you can take a person’s stated sexual orientation at face value . . .
4 Because some religious slurs are okay | Mind on Fire // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:19 pm
[…] denounce the use of “Muslim” as a slur. This reminds me of an internal conflict I had (and blogged about) recently: it’s hard not to get caught up in the cultural denigration of a group of people. […]
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