I recently went to get tea at my favorite tea joint & as I was walking away, I realized why I really like my favorite baristo (I know, it’s Italian, but still): he looks like my hairdresser!
I immediately felt like sharing this but needed to get back to work. So I played out the conversation in my mind:
“You really look like my hairdresser!
…no offense.”
and then I added mentally, “he’s not gay…”
Which absolutely disgusted me.
My hairdresser (and I say “my” because I paid him to do my hair once, maybe four months ago, & am plotting to go back to him to pay him to do it again, maybe in about four months, because this is how often I think about doing my hair…) is a very nice man, very good at what he does, and his girlfriend is a colorist. His girlfriend came up quite early in our conversation and, in a field dominated by women or gay men, I guess I understand that he feels its necessary to make the distinction. Prior to his mention of her, his sexuality had not really entered my mind, but after he said it, I evaluated him & decided he did not appear to be gay. If…that’s something one can appear to be.
The baristo in question is also in no way on one or the other side of the sexuality fence. Nor do I ever think of him in sexual terms (except in the thoughts above). In fact, unlike hairdressing, which I would agree is probably dominated by women & gay men, baristing does not seem to be a gendered occupation.
My disgust comes from my own need to tell this man, who I see a few times a week, that he looks like this other man, and then to attempt to soothe his sexual ego. What if he were gay (and who knows! he might be!), that would surely offend him. If he were not & took offense, thinking that I called him gay, I’d certainly think of him differently the next time I showed up for tea.
I hope he’s the kind of person who would have called me on it: “why are you apologizing for comparing me to a gay man? do you think homosexuality is shameful?”
No, I don’t. But I also don’t think it’s socially acceptable enough to mention such a comparison without shame. Mea maxima culpa.
