Most Badass Bible Verses

I’d like to see a similar compilation of the Koran, but in the meantime, I shall leave you with this thought: instead of prayers in schools, we should have bears in schools. And let you find out for yourselves exactly which verse that describes.

hattip

16 Comments

  1. John

    xJane, this is hilarious! I don’t even know where to begin:

    God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that “OM NOM NOM” sound, so scholars are forced to speculate.

    And they even miss some great stories, like when the sons of Israel trick a tribal prince to circumcise all his men and then slaughter them “while they were still sore.”

    This makes me want to read the Bible again!

  2. ah, john. that’s one of my favorites. i was sad it wasn’t included, too. i can only imagine the hilarity that wong would have built out of that story.

  3. Rich

    He forgot another gem (and we don’t want to leave the ladies out of the fun):

    Judg. 4: 21-22
    21 Then Jael Heber’s wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died.
    22 And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest. And when he came into her tent, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the nail was in his temples.

  4. The Elisha story with the bears has always been one of my favorites. Of course, I’m a school teacher, so I thoroughly agreed with these sentiments:

    Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today’s kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It’s a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis.

    Ahh…life could be so much simpler!

  5. RAY

    yeah.. i dont think the bears in schools rather than prayers in schools work out

    2 kings:
    2:23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
    2:24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

    its not the bears that had their vengence on the children it was God that had his vengence.

    And it was because Elisha first brought it to God and cursed them in His name..

    so im going to go with prayers > bears

  6. JT

    How can you seriously look at this world and read the Bible from cover to cover and still believe there is no God. Prayer in schools would help this nation. And it would help the messed up kids there. I pray that God sends somebody to witness to you. I pray that the holy spirit falls on you and jesus christ enters your heart. I pray that you learn the true meaning of Christmas and the true meaning of Eaater. I pray God opens your spiritual eyes and closes your earthly ones.

  7. I have to admit, JT, that I’m impressed that you can look at this world and read the Bible and still believe there is a God and that this God has anything to do with the Bible. Which flavor of Bible-believer would you have us be (as there are many to choose from)?

  8. morethan70457

    Mark 11:24
    I tell you therefore, whatevery you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.

    I gotta go with RAY on this one. Prayers>Bears
    I can get whatever I want with prayers, like a shark or a green belt in karate or a shark that has a green belt in karate.

    Also JT, come on, I’ve never read a better argument in Favor of atheism (from a christian stand point of course) than a cover to cover reading of the bible.

  9. I love, ehm, discussions with true believers who are encouraging me to read the Bible. I’ve already read it several times and usually know it much better than they do. I can’t believe people can read the Bible cover to cover and not just think, Whoa, God is crazy!

  10. Squeehunter

    You guys need to learn to divide violent things people do from violent things God commissioned. So God did some not nice things? So what? You expect him to answer to someone? That’s not how absolute power works. Don’t bitch about it.

  11. speedwell

    Late to the party 🙂

    Um, Squeehunter, the way absolute power works, you’d think it could prevent us from bitching about it if it wanted. So who are you to second-guess what it wants? lol

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *