013: At Harvard., originally uploaded by mind on fire.
My first visit to Harvard was the low point of my vacation. Jana suggested that we go there towards the end of our last day together in Boston (before she left for her retreat in New Hampshire). When we got there, I found myself depressed and cranky. Jana went into troubleshooting mode.
“I thought you’d be really excited to be in Harvard,” she said.
I thought I would be as well. After some thought, I realized that for almost two decades, Harvard has been a symbol or focal point for all my aspirations. If you took all my dreams and shone them through a magnifying glass, Harvard would be the bright point where they all coalesced.
When I applied to grad schools in 1995 in poli sci, I thought I had a chance because my adviser was the son of a famous Harvard scholar of Japanese society. When I tried again in religious studies in 2003, I thought I had a good chance because two of my three advisors had strong associations with the Japan specialist at Harvard–one was a dear friend as well as a long time colleague, and the other was a protege. (All of this was in addition to a perfect GPA in my RS classes, original research and solid GRE scores.)
I expected rejection, but it was still painful when it came. And when I turned down Stanford so that Jana could pursue her degree, I sunk into a year-long funk, complete with anti-depressants, night sweats and severe insomnia. It was broken only when I applied to the Religious Studies Master’s program at Long Beach State.
Earlier this year, I wrote about my decision to stop pursuing a PhD. I realized at some point that Harvard was no longer within my grasp, and that I was hurting myself more than helping by reaching for the unattainable.
So it’s little wonder I was feeling blue while standing in the Crimson Yard. To visit at this time was to highlight the failure of everything I had been striving for for so long.
Was it masochistic of me to return again yesterday? Perhaps. But I had spent my entire vacation constantly moving and always with people; I decided use this one day to pause, reflect and process.
It was time well spent. As I walked along the Charles River, I realized that I’m not giving up my dream. I’m only giving up one specific manifestation of it. I abandoned my longtime goal of becoming tenure track faculty in a research institution; but I am still determined to research, teach, write and inspire. I still think of myself as a scholar and an author, a mentor and a visionary. I’ve lost the safe predictability and structure of the academic career path. I’m unsure just how these aspects of myself will manifest themselves tomorrow, but I am absolutely certain that they will.
0 responses so far ↓
1 Behind the Infamous Veil // Sep 18, 2007 at 2:56 am
This may sound dumb, but I remember the exact moment when I realized I would never participate in the Olympics. Up to that moment, it was always a distant possibility, but then I became too old, and just not good enough. It was so hard to give up that dream.
2 Jonathan // Sep 18, 2007 at 7:11 am
John,
One of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen, was a Harvard prof. in the religions dept. He constantly felt the need to leave the place for spiritual fulfillment. The first time he left, he went down to South America and lived with a poor family - and had a wonderful time. He later left Harvard altogether and worked in Canada taking care of a severely disabled man named Adam at L’Arche, a community whose goal was to help people with disabilities. He was a great scholar, author, mentor, and visionary - but most of his greatest work was inspired *outside* of Harvard. So as far as I can tell, you’re in good place to write, inspire, and teach others.
3 Joe R // Sep 18, 2007 at 7:37 am
Maybe it wouldn’t have been as all grand as you thought it might be. Maybe it is. Who knows. I think you’re on a good path, one I sometimes wish I could emulate. Maybe a good goal would just be enjoying an Aztec Chocolate or a Burnt Caramel ice cream and talking to good friends, family, or your brother, over at Toscanini’s in Harvard Square.
4 xJane // Sep 18, 2007 at 8:33 pm
is what I thought about Harvard when I visited. Unfortunately what matters more about colleges is how many people recognize the name and it’s got that. But I never felt like it was a place I would be at ease (I visited, fully thinking I’d go).
The funny thing about dreams…Olympics, Harvard. For me it was being in the FBI. I lived my whole life for as long as I can remember toward that goal. And then I interned. And I realized I didn’t want to turn into the kinds of people who worked there (I met my future self, it was scary. I was a bitter, curmudgeony, 48 year old man!). But that left me…dreamless. And that’s a hard place to be. I still feel a pang when I see the crest. Like, “that could have been me” even though I decided I didn’t want it to be.
But kudos to you for meeting your dream head-on. And here’s to the future, whatever it may hold, regardless of our desire for it.
5 johnr // Sep 18, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Thanks for the encouragement and commiseration, everyone. Joe, I’m looking forward to our next trip that way–my treat! (how’d we miss burnt caramel ice cream!?)
6 Chris Rusch // Sep 19, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Sometimes when our dreams come true, they are not what we throught they were.
I have a friend who had dreamed about doing a phd at MIT, I could you not, from the time we were in the carpool together for elementary school. He is by far the smartest person I have ever known. But his dream has cost him dearly.
As early as middle school he missed school because he was staying up until three or four in the morning studying for tests. For him every in class quiz was a matter of life or death. I am surprised that he never flipped like that guy in the movie “Shine”.
He graduated from High School as one of four valedictorians of his high school class and was then off to Brown University where he got his bacchelors. After that he went to Oxford where he got his masters, and is now at MIT working on his Phd in something having to do with theoretical mathematics.
I caught up with him last year when I was visiting friends in Cambridge. During the conversation over dinner, he was wondering if where he was, and what he was doing, was what he really wanted.
My dreams, by and large, have not come true. But when I think about where I am as opposed to where I would be had things worked out the way I thought they should, I shudder.
In the end, the path you have chosen might be the best. Not only for you, but also for your family.
7 Anonymous // Sep 25, 2007 at 6:25 am
Hopefully you have finally realized that true scholars and mentors avoid the academic career path. It is stifling and totally political. These days only the mediocre and boring are drawn to it because it provides them a place where they can be safe, relaxed and never actually have to do anything. It is essentially a bunch of pretenders standing around patting each other on the back for doing nothing. (And I am one of them) Unfortunately I find myself too mediocre and weak to leave this comfort zone. You are in a much better spot.
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