I’ve noted before that I do judo. I work out in my brother-in-law’s garage, which we call an “invitation-only” dojo, since none of us pays dues (although we donate our services to their family, I built the jungle gym in their backyard, as well as Tiger Balm to the dojo at large). In the adult class, there have been four women (that I remember): me & my roommate (my brother wanted to teach me self-defense & wanted me to have a sparring partner), a mutual friend of ours, and the wife of another member. I’ve been doing judo since 1999 and, until Saturday, held the rank of yonkyu, or a green belt (but how ranks are colored can change). Which means 6 years & not a whole lot of apparent-to-the-outside progress, but that’s how we roll (often after being thrown with a sacrifice technique). The other members of the adult class are men (obviously). I can’t remember how many of them have filed through, but the majority of them weigh in excess of 200 lbs (actually, the majority are more than 250, which is a scary thought if I think of it like that) and are around 6 ft. Which puts me in the rare place of feeling small.

All of the guys have become my brothers due to years of shared blood, sweat, and broken bones. Which sometimes means that they’re very careful with me, as though I might break if they actually let me fall. While it sometimes annoys me (as though they’re insulting my abilities), it also makes my falls easier and my injuries fewer. But in general, they don’t cut me any more slack than they do each other and I’m very comfortable around them.

But I wear joshi judo belt. [I’ve no link for you except this one & you have to read the last line; following the link that it indicates won’t get you much information.] And none of the other women do.

A few years ago, a good friend (who looks exactly like Mike Meyers & so shall be referred to as such) of our sensei was spending a lot of time in our dojo. At the time, I was an orange belt. He commented, after working out with us one day, that Jigoro Kano (the founder of judo & also technically Kano Jigoro…but I guess we’re American enough that we always flip his name) once remarked that women’s judo was truest form of judo because, unlike men, who were tempted to rely on their strength, women must perfect technique. Mike Meyers further went on to say that traditionally, women’s judo was signified by a joshi belt, which has a white stripe bisecting the color. When I tested for my green, he presented me with a joshi belt, which I have cherished ever since. The white stripe reminds me to focus on technique (the temptation is still there for me to try to rely on strength & that rarely works). My sensei allowed me to wear it because of my reasons for wanting to & would likely allow the other women in our dojo to, but I am the only one who does (although one my judo-brothers would wear one if our sensei allowed him).

Our dojo is very different from most, including the fact that we only buy our gi, which comes with a white belt (and since most of us own more than one gi, our dojo has many white belts). All the other belts basically belong to the dojo. Before class, you walk across to the corner & pick one of an appropriate color that (you hope) fits you and tie it on. If you’re planning on going to another dojo, you might borrow one for a while. If you’ve got a black belt, well then it’s yours, it probably has your name or some judo quotes embroidered on it. So I’ve grown oddly attached to the belt that was given to me by Mike Meyers. Now that I can no longer wear it, and since none of the belts of the correct color fit me (the one I wore for the rest of practice on Saturday came down to my knees), a belt needs to be bought. And I’d like it to be a joshi belt.

This brings up confusing (to me) issues, that I shall be discussing with my sensei: do I buy my own belt? Somehow that seems very sacrilegious. But I don’t want to burden someone else with the search & cost of a new belt. My gis (and that first white belt, which hangs in my closet if I ever need it) are the only parts of judo that I own. I like to think that this extends to the art itself: I do judo, (often in the same sense that people do crack) but I don’t own it. There is always more to learn.

This has reminded me of why I wear a joshi belt & also of the arguments against wearing it. Some still hold that women’s judo should not include sacrifice techniques (which involve the thrower also falling), although sometimes that’s the best way to catch a larger opponent. So maybe it was initially to distinguish that, although a woman might be a green belt, she was still a white belt in some sense. Mike Meyers’ explanation & the way I always thought of it is closer to how I think of a meditation bracelet: it’s for the wearer to be reminded & not for show. Very few female judoka (in the US) wear the joshi belt although it’s technically required if you have a black belt. Of the four current female dojo members, I’m the only one who wants to wear the joshi belt. I also have no arguments against my judo-brother wearing it: I like the constant reminder & so do not begrudge it of him, especially since most other judo-women don’t wear it. And I’m trying to figure out if I’ve grown out of the need for the white stripe: I can certainly still always need the reminder, but is now the time to blend again & not set myself apart? Does some part of me want the distinction between me & just about everyone else on the mats? Or is there really some deeper meaning that I’m aiming for?

Now that my belt (the only one to ever feel like “mine”) hangs in the corner, never to be worn by me again, I wonder if it will ever be worn. There are a few girls in the children’s class, all of them assured of their equality with their judo-brothers & -sisters on & off the mats. They’re all orange or yellow, currently. I wonder if any will ask for the green belt with the white stripe on it, or choose it, when the time comes for them to face the rack of green belts. I wonder if it’s my place to tell them what it means to me, what it might have meant to Kano, and what it could mean to them. Or will they get that from our sensei? After our promotion on Saturday (DH and another judo-brother were also promoted), we chose our belts from the rack. My judo-brother asked if he could use Sempai’s belt, which actually was our sensei’s belt & has his name in katakana as well as some kanji embroidered onto it. He veritably preened when he was asked & said he would be honored to allow my judo-brother to wear it. When I remember this, I think of the girls in the dojo & know how I would feel if they chose to wear my belt.

I really don’t often feel that I’m different from my judo-brothers in any way other than that I’m hypoglycemic & need to be very careful about what I eat before judo. And except for the occasional not-quite-throw, I feel that they don’t see me as different, white stripe or no. But I’m still racked by self-examination about why I want a brown joshi belt. I hope it’s not ego.