I’ve told many people that I don’t want to have children and I’d like to just start with that, so we’re all clear. I could explain my reasons but they really have little to do with what follows. Even if I did want to have children, I would not want to have them in this country.
I wouldn’t mind bringing them up here, although I think everyone should spend a year or two abroad. I think it is the greatest country on earth, despite its many flaws. The school systems leave much to be desired, but that’s why it’s important to have a good relationship with your children. No, what freaks me out the most is being pregnant in this country.
I’ve always been petrified of being pregnant; for the greater part of my sexual youth (like, from when I was physically able to bear children until my second year of college), I didn’t really know what my get me pregnant but that if I ended up pregnant, it would mean that I had done some unforgivable things. Not knowing quite what they were, I had bouts of severe depression right before my period each not-quite-month. If I was a day late (and I always was, at least), I’d start imagining that I could feel things moving in the pit of my stomach, and that led to some really dark behaviors.
So my fear of pregnancy has a history. That said, one of my cousins has always wanted children & we grew up like sisters. I’ve promised her that if she can’t have kids, she is allowed one (let me say that again, one) which I will bear for her. And now that I’m slightly older, I’d love to go through the experience of being pregnant and giving birth. But in the same sense that I’d like to go bungee jumping: it seems like something I’d like to have done. Not the best reason, I’m sure most of you will agree. But not here. Even in California, where (under DH’s health insurance) I’d have a reasonable amount of access to midwives. The laws against mothers are getting too damned creepy.
They start with “protecting the fetus” or granting it “legal personhood”, which I’m not against on principle, just in practice. Charging people with murder for causing miscarriages very quickly turns to prosecuting women who cannot kick their own habits with child abuse or murder. These women need help, certainly, not a jail cell & more pain.
Pregnant women have the care of our most precious commodity: the future. Mothers & fathers do as well. These people deserve our respect. They deserve our support. If they have trouble, they deserve treatment, counseling, and more support. They do not deserve imprisonment (in most cases), our future does not deserve to be orphaned. They do not deserve to be ostracized, forgotten, or condemned for being human.
So many things, both inside and outside a pregnant woman’s control, can have detrimental effects on her pregnancy. A spontaneous abortion is not cause for imprisonment. She’s been through enough already!
Recently, I’ve heard of midwife groups & pro-choice groups getting together with common cause and it is something that I wholly support. I’m often confronted with the fact that this is a scary country to be pregnant in, especially as someone who has a healthy distrust of the medical establishment and so would likely go a less-than-conventional route.
I’m sorry if this turned into a rant, but I really would feel the need to leave the country if I found out I was pregnant. Regardless of the decision I made about the pregnancy, it’s not one I would want to make with the laws of the USA looking over my knees.
4 responses so far ↓
1 aerin // Jun 26, 2007 at 9:00 am
Miko, have you read “Misconceptions” by Naomi Wolf? I read it before I got pregnant, and it was eye-opening to say the least.
What I appreciated the most about her theory was the idea (like you mention) that pregnant women need to be supported and that each pregnancy is different. Just because one person has a c-section or needs one, doesn’t mean someone else should as well. Or, just because one person can go through childbirth without pain meds, doesn’t mean that’s right for everyone.
And yes, the treatment of mothers in this country is fairly shameful, compared to other countries. Mothers in other western nations get a year of paid leave after their child is born. At my work, I would only have received 6 weeks of paid leave. And that was around 2/3rds of my regular salary. (for the record, a six week old baby typically does not sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a time.)
And - people do have lots of opinions about what a pregnant mom can do! You should have seen the looks I received, in the midwest, for drinking coffee or putting on bugspray from some people. In the end, it was fascinating to me because I was no longer an adult able to make my own choices. I had become a pregnant woman, so everyone had the right to tell me their opinion, touch my stomach, tell me I was getting big, etc. (I’m exaggerating, but still).
With that said, I have two beautiful babies (they’re two now). I made it through - it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. But I did it.
I completely respect any womans/couples’ choices - and I understand what you’re saying about pregnancy in the US. Thanks for your post.
2 Miko // Jun 26, 2007 at 11:18 am
I see a lot of that (actually, I’m one of those people who gives those looks to pregnant smokers/drinkers, so sorry on behalf of other holier-than-thouers). One thing I heard more than anything else from pregnant women is that they wish people would just stop touching their stomach!!! And I don’t blame them. Not having the desire to rub someone’s belly most days of the week, I’m pretty certain that would drive me to homicide. Can you imagine doing that to someone who’s not pregnant? Now why is it okay to do it to pregnant women?
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’ll have to check out that book. I’ve actually ended up reading a lot of pregnancy books for some reason or another (ask me about VBaC!) and am always fascinated by reading about women’s experiences of pregnancy. I think it gets a lot of bad press & maybe just hearing their voices could give it better press.
3 nee // Jun 26, 2007 at 4:13 pm
What sticks with me about your post is not so much the pregnancy thing and laws but the first part - your anxiety.
Have you ever read Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup? I read it after being recommended it by my acupuncturist. It opened my eyes to how we as women contribute, often unwittingly, to devaluing our ourselves and our natural processes. We’re basically taught to do this in childhood and throughout our lives by society and we comply because we don’t know any other way.
It’s been this way for eons. Here is this amazing ability to bring forth life! That is powerful stuff. That is intimidating stuff. What better way to diminish that power than to call a woman unclean and send her off to the red tent? Eventually she’ll see this cycle and potential as a painful burden, not as amazing power.
When my paradigm shifted and I realized this, it is no wonder that we (the collective) accept the laws we have and the treatment we receive. I now see oppression (not in a horrid sense but more subtle and undermining) where I didn’t before because I was part of it.
I hope more women do come together to fight these blanket laws that undermine. I hope, too, that more women will educate each other and help lift each other up to see their value and power.
4 John White // Jun 27, 2007 at 12:32 am
I’ve never understood the unsolicited touching of the belly. Being invited to feel a baby kick is one thing. Just reaching out uninvited crosses personal space issues for me. And those issues aren’t mitigated by pregnancy!
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