Recently a prominent LDS filmmaker left the Church, and Jana and I were surprised by the harsh criticism leveled at him by liberal, intellectual Mormons we thought relatively sympathetic and generous. In this post, I wave my rhetorical gun haphazardly in their direction.
For a people that aggressively woos potential converts away from tight-knit faith and cultural communities, Mormons can be terribly cruel to their own dissenters. As a missionary, I worked with a number of people who alienated themselves from their families and religious communities when they became Mormons. I’m certain that many Church members are culpable of all of the same arguments and accusations often made by Jews, Catholics, Evangelical Christians, Japanese Buddhists and others when one of their own leaves for Mormonism.
My nonreligious father disowned me when I (rather undiplomatically) informed him of my joining the church and my plans to go on a mission, and my newfound Church family lauded my sacrifice, integrity and courage. Years later, when Jana and I chose to leave the Church, our fundamental reasons were not unlike my original reasons for joining it: a love for the truth and a desire to do what is right. While our closest Mormon friends were more or less supportive of our decision to leave, there are plenty of others who imagine that we were offended, that we want to sin, or that Jana left merely to appease me. Of course, I’ve long ceased being surprised that some people have such low opinions of us. But when I see the missionary-minded pile their scorn on a sincere dissenter, I wonder if such attitudes don’t reveal their own hypocrisy, insecurity, small-mindedness, and lack of empathy and compassion.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Johnny // Apr 24, 2007 at 4:04 am
But when I see the missionary-minded pile their scorn on a sincere dissenter, I wonder if such attitudes don’t reveal their own hypocrisy, insecurity, small-mindedness, and lack of empathy and compassion
I have had difficulty with this problem myself. I believe it might be the fundamental hypocrisy of those who have treated me with derision since I have left. As you say, it stems from applauding those who follow the “truth” only when they agree with you.
Btw, I changed my blog address.
2 Steve M // Apr 24, 2007 at 6:57 am
Well said.
3 Elaine Frei // Apr 24, 2007 at 8:19 am
John, you wrote:”…there are plenty of others who imagine that we were offended, that we want to sin, or that Jana left merely to appease me.”
That’s the thing that interests me and, honestly, frustrates me about the Mormon response to those who choose to leave. I guess it is inherent in any organization that teaches that it has the one and only Truth, but Mormonism seems to me to be more intent than any other mainstream (to the extent that it is mainstream) religion to not let members go without either repeated attempts to pull them back in or, if that isn’t successful, attempts to discredit the “apostate” in the eyes of believers. Especially, as in the case you cite, when the one who is leaving is well known, and well known for being a Mormon.
I don’t know what, if anything, was said behind my back when I left, because when I finally left for good (a long story and a long process) I cut most ties. The one or two people I have stayed in contact with are good enough friends that they wouldn’t repeat things they’ve heard said about me. But I do know that I became invisible. People who had previously been friendly in chance meetings (I was then living in a small town, so those were fairly frequent) suddenly just did not acknowledge me, even when I would speak to them.
I know that often, members will refer to those who leave as “bitter”, but its really difficult sometimes not to feel bitter when one is treated like a leper, which was how that sort of shunning felt to me. I sometimes think that a lot of the hostility towards the church that is often attributed to those who leave is actually the hostility that some (obviously, not all) members feel toward the one who has left. In a way, it comes back to how members often criticize those who leave by saying that we “leave the church, but we can’t leave the church alone”. I think perhaps that those who continue to express bitterness toward the church and its members would be more able to “leave the church alone” if they were not so often accused of “wanting to sin” or of being “offended” when all they really want to do is find their own truth rather than having Truth - capital T - defined for them.
4 Miko // Apr 24, 2007 at 8:32 am
This is one of the many reasons that most religions seem to me to be very similar to cults.
5 John // Apr 24, 2007 at 8:55 am
I should emphasize that I wrote this post with a handful of people in mind. I encounter people from Church in public semi-regularly, and these meetings are always very pleasant (if polite). I still have dear friends in the Church who seem to accept me, even if we have to rebuild or limit our conversation topics. The ones who seem to be less comfortable are the ones I didn’t know very well to begin with, or people who were in positions of authority over me.
Elaine, I’m sorry that your experience was so negative. Even from a rational, strategic perspective this shunning doesn’t make much sense to me–wouldn’t church members want those who ’stray’ to feel that they’ll be welcomed back? This is the approach our former bishop has taken with us, and Jana has felt comfortable enough to visit our ward on a couple of occasions.
Miko, I agree. The lines between tight-knit religious communities and cults are not as clearly defined as many would like them to be.
6 Dave // Apr 24, 2007 at 11:52 am
John, I saw a lot of discussion the week after Dutcher’s announcement, but I saw very little “harsh criticism leveled at him by liberal, intellectual Mormons.” I didn’t see much harsh criticism by anyone except another LDS moviemaker who was responding mostly because his films were attacked rather than because of Dutcher’s change of personal religious conviction. I’m sure there were a few letters to the editor or online comments to the Provo newspaper, but I can’t imagine that’s what you meant by “liberal, intellectual Mormons.”
Yes, it’s true Mormons tend to be tough on dissenters and even tough on those who quietly move in a different direction. Of course, that’s true of how any close community or organization reacts to its own dissenters. I think it’s a reflection of human nature and organizational dynamics rather than some unique failing of Mormonism or Mormon morality.
7 pilgrimgirl // Apr 24, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Dave:
The conversation on the Assoc. for Mormon Letters email List was some of the most judgmental that I’ve seen on the Dutcher issue. It seemed especially awful given that many of its participants are liberal Mormon artists and past supporters of RD’s films. Perhaps they feel particularly betrayed/threatened?
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