For once, they’re not my confessions. I went with a friend to see the Steven Fales play in West Hollywood yesterday. We got off the freeway on Santa Monica Boulevard, driving past the massive angel-topped temple through Beverly Hills and finally to the tiny venue with “MORMON BOY” shouting from the marquee. We arrived late, but were ushered into the darkened theater. We were given a couple of chairs to carry in and were seated in the wheelchair spot in the front row.
When the lighting changed, I noticed that my friend was one of two or three women in the audience of about a hundred. I remember telling my missionary companions how uncomfortable I would feel in a room full of gays, and yet here I was fifteen years later, and I felt more welcome than I did in an LDS sacrament meeting. All of us were there because we were society’s misfits, and Fales’ confession was our confession.
In retrospect, I suspect that some of them were there because Fales promised to bare more than just his soul.
I encountered his story a few years ago, as a play published in Sunstone. Fortunately, it’s available as a freely downloadable pdf. Fales calls the Sunstone play his “Utah version.” It’s cleverly written and loaded with Mormon references (humorous and serious). It’s a poignant confession–when I read it, I bawled (and I don’t cry easily).
The Off Broadway version of the play was stripped of most of the Mormon insider jokes and loaded with his experiences as a gay escort in New York City. The play could be divided into three acts:
- His upbringing as a faithful Mormon, who, in spite of his struggles with “SSA” (same sex attraction), married a woman whose father had succumbed to AIDS.
- His move to Manhattan after his divorce and his experience as a high-price male prostitute.
- His entry into a new phase of healing and maturity.
The first act is the one I could relate to the most. I don’t intend to demean the trauma of the life of a closeted gay and the discrimination felt by those who have come out, but there are elements of Fales’ narrative to which anyone who has felt suffocated or constrained by their community can relate. I felt shame in my life as a closeted unbeliever and devalued as an outed atheist.
At one point, he asks the audience rhetorically, “shouldn’t your true self smile?” He consciously uses both the presence and absence of his stunning smile to mark his life’s travails and triumphs, and it made me reflect carefully on the periods of my life when I’ve lost my ability to smile authentically. Like Fales, Mormonism has given me both smiles and tears.
Fales handles the transition from Mormonism to a life as a male escort by changing his clothes on stage–he strips off his white shirt, tie, slacks and white boxers (describing LDS garments in the process) and then puts on clubwear over his black briefs. There is a funny segment where he acts out sex with a variety of clients, and at some point I realized that those around me were perhaps getting a lot more out of Fales’ performance than I was.
His final transformation follows his rejection of prostitution and his confession to his family of his past actions. In one dramatic moment, he steps into the audience, and in the midst of a confession, he strips off his hair piece. This has the effect of aging him instantly, heightening his credibility that he has moved out of his “gay adolescence” and underscoring his cathartic realization that in spite of his failure at being a good Mormon husband, he was indeed a good father. It also made his sincerity that much more believable. If there is anything masterful that made Fales’ autobiographical performance transcend into vulnerable confession, it was this one simple, swift motion.
“Confessions of a Mormon Boy” has me thinking about my own performance and exposure to the world via blogging. Mind on Fire has been a confessional of sorts (I guess that makes all of you my confessors). I wonder how much performance is behind my narrative? Inasmuch as I’ve made an effort to be authentic, I’ve found healing through the telling. I suppose that while his medium is different, Fales and I must share many of the same motives. I hope that he finds catharsis and brings healing to others through his storytelling. And I hope that I can do the same.
14 responses so far ↓
1 Elise // Feb 13, 2007 at 8:45 am
Thanks for sharing about the play in such detail. And for the link to the Sunstone version - I vaguely remember skimming it at some point, but I’m looking forward to re-reading the play.
There is something liberating about confessing, in addition to the healing you mentioned. It feels like I connect to people on a much deeper level when sharing some of those most sensitive things…..what eats you up if you keep it inside can bring you the closest to other people if you share, I suppose.
I’m reminded of one of my favorite books, The Scarlet Letter. There’s enough of us wearing ours’ out in the open now, so it isn’t quite as lonely as it was for Hester Prynne.
2 Miko // Feb 13, 2007 at 9:07 am
Hear, hear. I frequently speak in terms of “coming out” as an atheist. I also believe that it would’ve been just as difficult for my parents if I’d come out as lesbian (but remaind Catholic. I’m not sure what would happen if they had to deal with both).
Again, dittos. I’ve frequently stopped to ponder the fact that an ex-Catholic finds more in common with a bunch of ex-Mormons than she does with her still-Catholic family, but I usually don’t try to go too deep into it. MoF has been a very healing thing for me. I still cry when I talk about certain things I’ve been through (on Sunday, a friend I hadn’t seen since I’d gotten married asked me how my family is…) and I try to spare MoF the more personal things that don’t seem all that important to outsiders. But this has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Thank you, John, for giving me the forum. Thank you, readers, for giving me your time, your comfort, and your comments.
(sorry, didn’t mean to comment-jack this…)
3 Matt Thurston // Feb 13, 2007 at 11:02 am
I saw this play on Saturday night and had many of the same reactions. I wish it were required viewing for all Mormons.
We should all have opportunities to “confess,” to share our stories, our versions of truth, whether via a stage performance or on a blog. Stephen’s story is powerful, and yet his ex-wife has a story to tell, his father has a story to tell, and so on. We keep bumping into each other because we keep our stories hidden, or we willfully avoid “seeing” another person’s story. This “conflicting stories” idea was manifest throughout Mormon Boy, especially when Stephen sits down with his Bishop, Stake Pres, and/or High Council. They willfully fail to “see” Stephen for who he really is, despite being (I’d imagine) otherwise good men.
At the end, Stephen says something like “Mormonism is as true as you make it,” or something like that. Sage advice. Mormon Boy helps people see that we can make more true, if we’re willing to really see Stephen and others like him.
By the way, Mormon Boy has been extended through March, so tickets and showtimes are still available.
4 nee // Feb 13, 2007 at 5:10 pm
I have mixed feelings about this play. I understand his need for healing. I empathsize. I also see it from another persepective.
My ex husband married me with many secrets I was unaware of. It ended with one hell of a secret exposed. He didn’t get the option to confess publicly. A local news station took care of that by doing a whole segment. I learned the salacious details on the late night news. In the months to follow, I learned more secrets that were even worse. Beyond the emotional damage and even health consequences, I’m stuck with his issues aired in a public spotlight still flares up now and then.
I have learned a lot about compassion and mercy because of what has happened. In as much as I was hurt by him, I was also hurting for him. I have been doing my own grieving and healing and accept the past in that I cannot change it. My ex is going through his own healing and coming to terms with who he is and who he wants to be.
As someone with a lot of gay friends, some of whom have lds ties, I am sure this play is a blessing for many who are in or have been in similar situations.
As someone who was married to a man who’s lack of honesty with himself dramatically hurt me, I’m less than supportive. I see the play as adding insult to injury. That part of me sees it as “confessions as entertainment”.
I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Surely it varies by situation. What I do know is when people want to take their indiscretions public, they need to seriously weigh their desire to share against the burden it places on not just those they’ve wronged but those who love them.
5 nee // Feb 13, 2007 at 5:19 pm
One more thought.
What I would like to see is Fales giving speeches to families about his experiences with SSA as a youth. He could encourage gay teenagers to accept themselves as they are. He could help parents and peers understand and accept and love them just as they are. Such dialogue with youth could go a long way in easing the shame and guilt that often lead to doomed marriages.
IMO, that would be a way to bring something positive out of what’s happened in his life without hurtful seedy details.
6 John // Feb 13, 2007 at 11:53 pm
Matt, thanks for letting us know about the extension through March.
Elise, the Scarlet Letter is one of my all-time favorites, too.
Miko, thank you. You are a real, um…earth-send? Goddess-send? I’m glad that you’re a part of this big confessional.
Nee, I agree with you that Emily (and Fales’ dad, and many others) are not having their stories aired the way that Fales’ is. Matt is right that Emily and Fales’ dad and many others have their own stories to tell. And I think that his betrayal of his wife is certainly downplayed (and possibly the downside of being a male prostitute, which he presents at one point as “a gay internship”). I sympathize with your situation, but I don’t know how strong the analogy is, since Mormon Boy is framed largely around the Church culture’s suppression of his sexuality and less so around his divorce. In a culture that is largely repressive of gays and mostly just wants them to hide or go away, I don’t want to discourage his expression.
I don’t know what other efforts Fales is involved in. And I think that his ex-wife has commented on the play–I’ll see if I can track her response down.
I’m not sure what the best way to handle public confession is. It’s a dicey thing, and generally involves more than the individual doing the confessing. Fales is an artist, and I’m a rather artless online journalist. My various revelations are motivated by many things: a need to expose what shouldn’t be hidden, a desire to connect to others hurt similarly, to allow myself to heal and move on, and just downright anger and frustration. Much of what I have said is considered a betrayal by some close to me. I try not to be sensationalist. I try to represent others fairly. But ultimately, my confessions are my own.
7 John White // Feb 14, 2007 at 11:09 am
John, nee: Was there anything about disclosing his SSA before the marriage and being counseled to suppress it and enter the marriage? Or was his SSA a secret which he kept?
SSA? Now you have me talking in jargon…
8 nee // Feb 14, 2007 at 11:42 am
John White,
I’ve read the summary of their relationship before but it’s been a few years and I don’t recall. The specifics are irrelevent, imo. What is troublesome is the method of dealing with the aftermath of a bad situation and how that impacts the ex, the kids, his family, everyone. And it may for years to come in ways that haven’t even manifested.
As I said, i don’t think there is any one right way and every situation is different. That’s why I have mixed feelings on it. One one hand, surely cathartic for him and people in similar situations, on the other, there are other people’s feelings to consider and how they are impacted by the method.
9 Beijing // Feb 14, 2007 at 8:20 pm
John White, he disclosed that he was gay, and she chose to marry him anyway without any pressure…she personally felt that it was her destiny.
10 John White // Feb 14, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Oh. Then the whole “secret” thing isn’t so much in play, right?
11 nee // Feb 14, 2007 at 11:10 pm
John White,
My bringing up a secret was specifically about my situation which as I said was different. Dishonesty, however, was in play in both scenarios in different ways. There is more to being honest with oneself and others than mere disclosure. The past, however, cannot be changed. The only thing anyone has some control over is the present which creates the future.
I guess you didn’t notice my statement in #8 when I said what was troublesome to me. It is what he is doing in the aftermath.
I didn’t state that I unequivocally disapprove of what he is doing or that I have all the answers. I said more than once I have mixed feelings and outlined why.
I was disappointed to read comment #10 from you. It comes off as a sarcastic swipe aimed at me as I was the one who brought up secrecy relative to my situation.
Generally, MoF has been a safe place to respectfully share one’s thoughts and engage in thoughtful dialogue. I shared that I went through a terrible situation and feel that people owe some consideration to those they may impact further in the aftermath of such things. You decided that deserved a stinging jab. Ouch.
12 John White // Feb 15, 2007 at 9:11 am
Oh wow, my intent wasn’t to be disrespectful, sarcastic, or stinging, just brief.
When I originally read #4, I scratched my head a little, as I thought the “Confessions” narrative involved his disclosure, not keeping a secret, while your description seemed to focus on the harm the sudden exposure of secrets seemed to cause.
Even in the second-to-last paragraph, you site the lack of honesty as the reasoning behind your mixed feelings:
> As someone who was married to
> a man who’s lack of honesty with
> himself dramatically hurt me,
> I’m less than supportive.
Later on, and in #8, I see that you’re also concerned about the effects such public disclosures and discussions effect the ex, the children, the family, etc.
I really do sympathize and hope that nothing I’m saying is offensive or comes off as too argumentative. That being said, I think that your concerns need to be balanced with the need to openly discuss the issue of SSA’s and marriage. This community especially seems to be focused on shared support for situations which others wished weren’t being talked about. I think where I agree with you is the idea of exploiting/profiting from hurting people. In this case, the good of causing discussions and catalyzing a community seems to outweigh ongoing embarrassment. Is that what what you’re balancing when you say you’re of a mixed mind?
At the very least, my point is that your issue of undisclosed secrets didn’t seem to actually an issue with “Confessions.”
13 Square Peg // Feb 15, 2007 at 2:56 pm
For anyone who’s interested, Dan Wotherspoon interviewed Emily Pearson, Steven Fales ex-wife, for a Sunstone podcast a while back. She talks a lot about her relationship with her gay father, her decision to marry Steven, and the nature of their relationship today. I think it provides some interesting context and background for Confessions of a Mormon Boy.
It’s Sunstone podcast #011, and you can download it here.
14 John // Feb 15, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Thanks, Square Peg! I had forgotten all about that podcast–I’m definitely interested in hearing Emily’s story after seeing the play (and especially after this conversation).
Nee, have you read My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok?
Leave a Comment