Jana writes that she was once willing to sacrifice her life if it would get me back into the LDS Church. I remember telling God around the same time that if he wanted to put the last nail into the coffin of my belief, he would take away my wife or my children.
I think that this was emblematic of how out of sync Jana and I were. As I struggled to at least wear the mask of a believing Mormon, I sank into depression. I saw no escape. Bored in Vernal’s poem, I Put on Black, perfectly captures the despair I felt as I subsumed myself in an effort to make others happy. I knew outer darkness (Mormon hell) more trying to fake Mormonism than I do now, as a Mormon dissident.
It is a sad thing to bury in darkness that which is drawn to the light.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Miko // Nov 29, 2006 at 10:18 am
When I first decided to stop being the person my family seemed to want me to be (Aesop’s donkey story being a good goad), I told each sister at a time that presented itself and got varying responses, mostly along the lines of “you’ll grow out of it”. I never could figure out how to tell my parents and it ended up happening when I moved in with my (then) boyfriend. That was a trial. In anycase, the point of this explanation is: my sister offered to do “anything” or “whatever it takes” to bring me back to the Church: “would it help if I cut off my pinky finger? If that would help, I’ll do it.” The sincerity of her desire for self-mutilation scared me, but not as much as living my whole life under the yoke of beliefs that made no sense to me.
I’m sorry that you had to have that experience: I only hope that the alternative was worse, and that your life continues to be on the path of your choosing.
2 Kirk W // Nov 29, 2006 at 11:11 am
It seems to me you two were in sync during that period, although you were taking different parts in the drama. And God had a part in it, too. By both accounts, each of you left it to divine grace. When the worst did not happen, you were able to go on from there.
In Jungian psychology, from what I’ve heard, apparent contradictions can often reveal a deeper unifying process, if we don’t get caught up in the logic of either/or.
3 Mark G. // Nov 29, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Thanks for sharing that with us, John. Thanks for the link to that poem, as well- I really enjoyed it.
4 Jonathan // Nov 29, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Bored in Vernal’s poem is a clear picture of despair and loneliness, to such a degree that I have never experienced or read of before. It was heart-breaking and agonizing to read.
It’s bad enough to go against your parents, but a million times worse to be at odds with your best friend, your own spouse, in regards to the fundamentals of the spiritual life and the driving force of your heart, especially if it is so important to you.
And it is important to you. Both of you seem passionate and dedicated to your beliefs. Many friends of mine are married to spouses who do not share spiritual belief systems, but seem not to care because their religious beliefs have little affect on their lives. Not so with you. This makes things even harder.
Spiritual journeys of passionate people are best traveled with companions, but best of all with with our spouses. That was the design from the beginning. From my point of view, I think it is amazing that you both continue to be dedicated to each other even though your spiritual lives are distinctly different. It must have been really rough. My wife and I had a hard enough time living together with different variants of the same religion.
Even though you may not believe it now, it seems to me that God has given you each other to help you both in your spiritual journeys to find a common ground between dogmatic Mormonism and dogmatic atheism. Somewhere between the two extremes lies a place that the spiritual life was meant to be lived, and it could not be found easily by either one of you separately, but you were given each other to help you succeed by God who saw this whole thing coming. He has given both of you insight into different aspects of the spiritual life.
One day it will be found without sacrificing your integrity because you have each other. You both represent a balance to the other - neither one of you, as long as you are dedicated to the other, will slip towards either extreme. The fruit of this balance seems to be humility, kindness, empathy, and open-mindedness towards others who don’t always agree with you and are themselves struggling in their own spiritual journey. This is overwhelmingly apparent in both of your writing and in your attitudes, and has shaped you both into the great people you are today. Believe me, I have read both of your writings, and I am sure that you would not be who you are today without the other. This balance and dedication to each other and to the integrity of your beliefs from the insight that you both have may be the hardest thing you will ever do in your whole lives, but as you keenly know, the greatest things in life involve equally great sacrifice, pain, and selflessness.
Good luck to the both of you. I have never traveled this road, and hopefully never will. It sounds like a very hard one that would possibly destroy me and my marriage. But it is from great struggles like this one that good people become great people who will forever change the world.
5 Watt Mahoun // Nov 30, 2006 at 10:27 am
There’s just something so comically tragic…so human…about the idea of conversing with a god and bargaining with the only currency that a god can recognize: belief.
As soon as you stop forking over the cash then not only does god cease to exist but god’s hell also disappears. This is what I hear in your words and it seems to me to be the message of peace and hope for humanity.
6 Watt Mahoun // Nov 30, 2006 at 11:04 am
And please forgive what may be more projection than anything, but the talk of currency and negotiation combined with your “Closure” post, particularly the “one sweet dream…pick up the bags and get in the limousine…soon we’ll be away from here, step on the gas and wipe that tear away…one sweet dream came true today”-ness of the last part:
…this put me into a reverie on the Abbey Road suite:
- You Never Give Me Your Money
- She Came in Through the Bathroom Window
- Golden Slumbers
- Carry That Weight
- The End
The words and order of these songs say so much about the bitter-sweet life that you and Jana have put into words. It’s a life that many of us share.
7 John // Dec 1, 2006 at 10:28 pm
Add to weekend errands: buy Abbey Road. (I grew up listening to my parents’ LP. I have scattered mp3s, but miss the album, and am looking forward to listening to it in this aftermath).
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