I just received a short message from the bishop in response to my letter. In contrast to his previous letter, it was respectful and compassionate in every whit. It was a personal (as opposed to an official) expression of love and concern, for which I am grateful.
I promise to spend some time on this blog looking back (there’s a lot to write), but I am eager to start moving forward again. My spiritual neck’s a little sore.
I want to thank all of you for your expressions of love, of concern, of regret, of welcome. The web has made it possible for Jana and I to be fully embraced by an (eclectic) community as we phase out of Mormonism. Many dissidents have not had this marvelous gift. I was driving down the 105 the night before last, making the best of things after taking the wrong exit, and I suddenly realized how emotionally exhausted I was–up to that moment, I thought Jana was the only one having a difficult time with all of this. I blasted Regina Spektor’s On the Radio, began thinking about my friend John Williams’ spiritual experience with the same song, and my thoughts touched on many of you one at a time, marveling. I’m trying without resorting to clich?©s to describe how I felt in that moment: strengthened, valued, floating in a warm sea of love. You provided that, by taking a few minutes out of your busy lives to listen and then to show your compassion by typing a few lines.
Jana and I often encounter people who deride blogging and who can’t understand why we publicize the intimate details of our lives. And this is why we do it: we blog to know that we are not alone (apologies to whomever it is I’m paraphrasing). And we blog to show you that you are not alone. You do the same when you comment, when you post responses, when you call or email or stop us on the street.
Thank you for saving this solitary skeptic. I hope that all of us can be sensitive to the needs of doubters–those who choose to stay as well as those who leave. I hope that we can value them for their questions and doubts, rather than in spite of them.
12 responses so far ↓
1 Lisa // Nov 16, 2006 at 8:49 pm
First off good luck. I just have a question, my mother was inactive and very vocally opposed to the church. After almost 20 years (in 1990)she requested to be removed from the records and was initially refused! She had to petition the President’s Council to be removed, they finally agreed after telling her that my brother and I would not ( I think the word “never” was used) be removed. We weren’t even in her request to be removed. It took months and a lot of paperwork.
Here’s the question, why do think you are being encouraged to remove yourself from the records, while my mother had to fight to be removed? I am just curious and don’t have anyone I can ask.
2 nee // Nov 16, 2006 at 9:06 pm
Lisa, I had to fight to be removed as well. My requests were systematically ignored until I started getting louder and stated as much that I was getting the run around. When I called them out on it and started calling the bishop then stake president almost weekly, I got action.
The difference is your mother didn’t have the internet to publicly voice her dischord on. The difference is, your mother wasn’t a perceived threat.
3 nee // Nov 16, 2006 at 9:11 pm
“we are not alone”
John
I’m grinning right now. I MUST quote Michael McLean cuz ya know, really, “You’re not aloooone… even though right now you’re on your ownnnnnn. You are loved it ways that can’t be shown… your needs are known… you’re not alone. And when you cryyyy-” Okay, I’m stopping now.
Seriously, I love that song, by the way. I think I always will.
I am impressed with every post you write. You are good at self editing, I can tell. Your words are well thought and expressed in a way I should strive for.
4 John // Nov 16, 2006 at 9:12 pm
Newbie, welcome. Thank you for your straightforward questions. I’ll try not to make my answer too long-winded.
I should clarify that exhaustion does not equal turmoil: I am confident and at peace with the direction of my spiritual journey. Of course, that doesn’t mean that the path is not emotionally trying. Early Mormon converts suffered greatly, leaving their homelands and loved ones and making the arduous crossing across sea and land–but most were still confident in their decision.
My decision to leave Mormonism hurts people we both care deeply about. I am very aware of this, and it pains me. And as much as I’d like to say otherwise, I do care what people think about me, and am open to being hurt that way. I just don’t care enough at this point to distract me from what I think is right. The only person who could divert my course at this point is Jana, which is one reason why I’m happy that we’re journeying together.
5 John // Nov 16, 2006 at 9:17 pm
Nee, you are awesome! I am so ROTFLMAO right now! And curse you for getting that song stuck back into my head.
Nee and Lisa, I’ve heard a number of name removal anecdotes in the past few days, and each one seems to be different. Sometimes there’s years of resistance, sometimes the Bishop intiates or simply facilitates the process. It seems like there’s as many variations as there are bishops and dissenters.
6 Julia // Nov 16, 2006 at 10:36 pm
Hi John
I’ve been so swamped the past few weeks…I’ve barely had time to read, and no time to comment. Wow!
This all explains your comment on the phone when we talked that “things had changed a bit…” from the post I read of Jana’s.
I think Quakerism does an above-average job of focusing on some of the basic tenants of the pure principles of christianity…especially some of the ones you mentioned. I’m managing to find those things for myself within Mormonism…but it’s taken a lot of effort and I’m not there yet.
We all have different things that we are passionate about or that matter tremendously to us…our “causes” or the things we take a stand on. Some faiths seem to lend themselves to these things more than others…they almost set themselves apart so that people who are looking for a specific set of values or traits will find a home within their organization. Almost like branding…deciding who you want to appeal to and developing a product (in this case a church) that will have appeal to that kind of individual. In the case of Quakers, they focus on some very important and universally-appealing qualities — and are extremely attractive to many people who care about those traits.
Sorting the culture from the gospel is a challenge that I basically struggle with all the time. But the act of the struggle has strengthened me, and given me more perspective.
Reading about the two of you jointly moving into a new religion and leaving behind Morminism will be interesting. Do you think Jana would be doing this if it weren’t for you? And on the flip, would *you* do this if Jana weren’t? I’m curious for reasons you can extrapolate from what you know about my situation.
I realize that she’s not writing about her situation right now, and I respect that. But I would love to know her journey to this point, and on a go-forward basis if she does decide to share it publicly. And also you haven’t written much about your kids. I dont’ know if they’re just typical “do whatever your parents do” kind of kids, or what feelings they have about this. I’d love to know about that part too. Several of your posters have left great comments, and you mentioned that you would blog about some of their questions in the coming weeks. I look forward to reading those entries…and hope to be able to respond more often (it’s been a crazy month).
Thanks for sharing your journey in such a succinct and honest way. I appreciate the tone of your posts, the sincerity of your heart and the effort you’ve made to do what you feel you must. It takes moxy and courage. And genuine humility…which you seem to posess.
7 Elise // Nov 16, 2006 at 11:10 pm
ROTFLMAO?
Just dropping by and reading and finding myself totally curious what this means……
On a more serious note, thanks for sharing this journey, John. I love your blog for the exact reason you expressed - not being alone.
8 John // Nov 16, 2006 at 11:14 pm
Hi Julia. Insightful comments and challenging questions. I do plan to discuss those questions later. I promise not to have any clear answers.
The culture-gospel spectrum is a tough one to work out. I think that it’s possible to find and emphasize them within Mormonism, but it’s not easy. Eugene England and Lowell Bennion are two examples of people who were active in and committed to the Church but who supported asking hard questions, fought materialism and racism within the Mormonism. England was a pacifist and a feminist as well. Hugh B. Brown is another hero of mine.
One thing that they all had that I didn’t–a conviction of the divinity of the Church. I think that that anchored them in Mormonism. I wish you the best in your journey. Thank you for your compliments–it means a lot coming from you. I’ll try to live up to them!
I hope that we’ll be able to get together soon–let us know when you’re in town again!
9 amelia // Nov 16, 2006 at 11:20 pm
i’d like to just speak up. for a moment. because it bothers me immensely to see people who do not distance themselves from mormonism dismissed as being under some form of mind control. mormonism exercises no more mind control than any system of belief that takes a communal form, be it religious, educational, scientific, or national. as a practicing, faithful, thoughtful, examining mormon i feel the need to make that clear. any system of belief can and does attract mindless followers, whether the system of belief is religious in nature or not, whether it is authoritarian or antifoundational. that does not mean that institutions that embody those systems of belief necessarily practice mind control.
sorry to derail from the initial post. i’m glad you’ve found this space, john. i understand the need to find like-minded people. i don’t know how i would have survived the return to SoCal if it hadn’t been for people like you and jana and the others in our group, along with a few more choice souls.
10 Sandra // Nov 17, 2006 at 9:05 am
John,
Your journey is fascinating, as is Mormonism generally. I know Mormons believe in prayer and having a personal relationship with God. Have you prayed and discovered for yourself that Mormonism is not true?
If I understand Joseph Smith’s experience correctly, he prayed and was called as a prophet. It sounds like you’ve had the opposite experience. Am I understanding what you’re saying?
Your ministry is so inspiring. Thanks again.
XO
Sandra
11 Miko // Nov 17, 2006 at 9:40 am
And that’s why I keep coming back
12 Kaimi // Nov 17, 2006 at 1:06 pm
Amelia,
Agreed — John (and for that matter, many others) get the unenviable task of navigating between the Scylla of hyper-orthodox Mormons who view any deviation from party line as high apostasy, and the Charybdis of hostile non- or ex-Mormons who feel that the church is a form of mind control. (Or is it the other way around?)
Leave a Comment