One Matt Thurston’s comments on my “Out of Mormonism” post was far too insightful and articulate to leave buried, so I’m excerpting a paragraph and including it here. Many closet doubters find themselves in a catch-22: they are often chastised for questioning in church settings, but after revealing themselves, their past integrity is then questioned. Here are a few of the many reasons why someone might choose not to broadcast their doubts:
Finally, with regards to hiding one’s doubts, what is the model for doing otherwise? A person hides his doubts for a variety of reasons: 1.) he doesn’t want others to worry; 2.) he doesn’t want others to think ill of him (i.e. the common LDS refrain that doubts are often the result of sin or other personal shortcomings); 3.) he doesn’t want to disrupt Sunday School or Priesthood Meeting (or whatever); 4.) he doesn’t want to potentially lead others to doubt; 5.) he doesn’t think anyone will really care or ‘get’ it; 6.) he already knows what the advice or answers will be; 7.) he changes his mind daily and doesn’t want to commit to changing his public persona until he is sure; 8.) its his own darn business (i.e. between him and God); and so on.
I can relate every single one of the examples Matt shared. And within Mormonism, the church fosters an environment that works on all of these concerns. For example, we are told to cater to the needs of the lowest common denominator (”You don’t want to damage the faith of the new converts with your questions!”). In the LDS situation, this situation is exacerbated by faith requirements for temple attendance (i.e, you can keep every possible commandment, but if you reveal that you don’t believe that Joseph Smith was God’s chosen prophet, you are prohibited from your attending your sister’s wedding in the temple). Even in casual settings (with devout friends and family members), such discussion is often discouraged, especially when it precipitates embarrassment, angry lectures or defensive argument.
I know this phenomenon is not limited to Mormonism. I believe that the bulk (but certainly not all) of faith-based religious groups discourage the expression of doubt through formal institutional means and informal social pressures. The visible dissenters represent only the tiny visible tip of suppressed doubt and disaffection in these religions. Most suffer in silence. When they do leave, it is when the pressure is unbearable, when they’ve endured all that they can. The suppressed emotion explodes; they leave suddenly, full of venom.
I think that one reason why Jana and I are relatively free of anger at the LDS Church (remember, criticism does not equal anger) is because we’ve had so long to ease out it. We’ve had many opportunities to express ourselves at Sunstone and with our close Mormon friends. For me, this blog has helped a lot. And we have new communities to transition into.
I feel that if I have a calling or vocation, it is in part to minister to the marginalized ones I described above–to be a preacher of doubt, to embrace the rejected, to heal the hearts of the wounded, to help the silenced find their voices and to sing and shout aloud with them.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Elise // Nov 9, 2006 at 8:45 am
This sounds like the running theme of MindOnFire to me - and this theme is exactly what keeps me reading.
I love the term “preacher of doubt.” Often times I think the better answer to questions of a spiritual nature is “I don’t know.” We feel, we think, we talk and debate, we study, we listen to our hearts, we talk and debate some more, and in the end, the answer still seems to be just that: “I don’t know.” I have hope in many spiritual things. I am comfortable with hope, I even find it more beautiful most of the time than scientific knowledge. But I am usually wary to say “I know….”
I can’t help but add my favorite quote from “The Sparrow” by Mary Doria Russell. John, I hope you aren’t sick of hearing it! But I think it applies:
One of the things I love about MindOnFire is we ask so many questions that are worth asking. And in general, I feel like we agree that asking them is not a sign of anger or bitterness, but a very fine kind of human behavior. I’m glad to meet people who aren’t afraid of doubt.
2 Miko // Nov 9, 2006 at 12:03 pm
I know that I come from a different tradition than Mormonism, but somehow, I identified with the struggles that it was clear to me from the beginning that John & Jana were dealing with. I know that I doubted from very early on but, when I expressed by doubt, I was considered to young for it to be “true” doubt and was simply told to believe. Once I got to the point where they might have actually addressed my doubts, I was already gone, seeking answers elsewhere. By the time I found the answers my church could have given me, it was too late. Somewhere I heard that, when raising children, if they’re old enough to ask about something, they’re old enough to know the answer. I think that should be applied to religion, as well. If someone’s faith has progressed to the point that they are expressing doubt, it should be addressed openly, rather than hidden.
3 Jonathan // Nov 9, 2006 at 5:10 pm
Sounds like a pretty discouraging environment. Are some Mormon churches more liberal than others, similar to the range of protestant churches? Are there ‘independent’ Mormon churches? I guess I’m lucky that I grew up in a religious environment where doubt and questions were actually encouraged. Church behavior like you describe was something I unhappily discovered after leaving home. I guess that’s why I am the way I am today.
4 Deborah // Nov 9, 2006 at 7:28 pm
I was listening to my favorite singer, Dar Williams, and her song “Mercy of the Fallen” made me think of you and Jana.
Oh my fair North Star
I have held to you dearly
I have asked you to steer me
Til one cloud-scattered night
I got lost in my travels
I met Leo the lion
Met a king and met a giant
With their errant light
There’s the wind and the rain
and the mercy of the fallen
Who say they have no claim to know what’s right
There’s the weak and the strong
and the beds that have no answer
And that’s where I may rest my head tonight
If your sister or your brother
Were stumbling on their last mile
In a self-inflicted exile
Wish for them a humble friend
…
There’s the wind and the rain
and the mercy of the fallen
Who say, hey, it’s not my place to know what’s right
There’s the weak and the strong
And the many stars that guide us
We have some of them inside us
5 Anonymous // Nov 9, 2006 at 7:51 pm
I’ve been following your spiritual journey and am envious of your freedom to choose to leave the Church. It makes me sad to know that I cannot make the same choices that you have. My spouse would not accept my decision to leave the Church, and so my spouse would (eventually) leave me. I have talked to my spouse frankly about my disbelief (although leaving plenty of room to backtrack depending on the reaction), and my spouse has told me in no uncertain terms that we couldn’t be together unless I’m an active Mormon.
I sometimes fantasize about coming out of the closet (so to speak) and leaving everything and everyone behind - but I just can’t do that right now. Instead, I have to participate in a culture and lifestyle that requires me to keep silent about my true feelings.
I feel like crying as I read your posts about how difficult it is to maintain your integrity in the LDS Church, because I’m living that struggle right now and I will continue to do so for the for the rest of my life if I want to keep my family together. I’m so glad you and Jana are supportive of each other, and I wish I were in your position now with my spouse.
I started this comment by wanting to ask you (and the commenters who are free to leave the Church) to please stop telling people like me that we will die a slow spiritual death if we stay in the Church. Although I think you are absolutely right, it’s just so hard to hear it expressed so clearly and honestly.
6 Matt Thurston // Nov 10, 2006 at 9:23 am
Anonymous,
You need to continue discussing your doubts and unhappiness with you spouse in as non-threatening, loving, patient manner as possible. Even if you ultimately decide to stay in the Church, you cannot remain silent about your inner feelings. There are a number of articles written both by Mormons and people of other faiths that address issues of loss of faith and its affect on couples. I would look for positive, pro-active things like this to expose your spouse to, a little bit at a time. Your spouse’s inflexibility is a natural response, when first confronted with such news.
Have you heard the Sunstone MP3 from the 2006 Sunstone Symposium called “SL06273, For Better, for Worse, for Apostasy? How Faith Issues Affect Couple Relationshps.” If not, it would be a great, non-threatening listen for both you and your spouse.
7 John // Nov 10, 2006 at 10:12 am
Elise, thanks for the props. I love that quote from The Sparrow, and I’m so glad you introduced me to that book.
Miko and Jonathan: your comments demonstrate the range of experience within Christianity. Some religion is fully capable of embracing, respecting and even enshrining doubt.
Deborah, what a beautiful song–I downloaded it from iTunes (Dar Williams does a cover of Comfortably Numb! The Christians and the Pagans sounds like a great story, as well.), and am listening to it as I type this. I can’t wait to share it with Jana. Thank you.
Anonymous, I can empathize with your sorrow and sense of hopelessness. For a long time, I kept thinking that it would be better if Jana were married to an active, believing priesthood holder. My current situation comes after a decade of doubt, and it took a number of years before Jana could accept me as I was.
I think it is totally possible to stay active in the Church without being a believing Mormon, and I respect those who do so (whether or not they have much choice). I often think of the difference between the Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama. The Dalai Lama fled Tibet and had great freedom to speak on behalf of his country and religion, but is forever locked out of his native land. The Panchen Lama had to make various painful compromises with the Chinese authorities, but was able to serve the Tibetan Buddhists directly and subtly advocate for his people in an oppressive environment. I think that Tibet needed both of them. Neither situation is ideal.
I echo Matt’s advice, and I hope you can find outlets to express your true self–maybe through trusted friends, blogging, or by making both your church and family environments a little more compassionate and understanding places. My heart is with you.
8 pilgrimgirl // Nov 10, 2006 at 11:07 am
dear anonymous:
I do hope that you can find ways of building bridges of understanding between you and your spouse. I don’t think it’s impossible to live as an outwardy faithful Mormon while believing much differently inside. I have had many such people ‘out’ themselves to me over the years, explaining the ways that they navigate Mormonism and disbelief. The toughest part is probably the temple recommend interview proccess. If your spouse is okay w/you not attending the temple then you will rarely have moments where you will be questioned directly about your beliefs.
Ironically, if you are known in your ward as someone with unorthodox beliefs, you can begin to build a community of other outliers like yourself. It’s amazing how this has happened with John over the years–he’d make a thoughtful or provocative comment in Sunday School, and then friendships would develop as others would approach him afterwards, thanking him for his comment and expressing similar feelings.
In the various wards that I’ve been in I’ve found that starting a book group is a good way of finding liberal-minded Mormons. If you’re reading _Refuge_ or something else that’s edgy, you will get a self-selected group of people who think more like you do. Sunstone is also a great way of finding community. If you can ever attend a Symposium, I highly recommend that you do so–to find friends and to have spiritual experiences (I’ve always come away from the Symposiums with a greater belief that the tent of Mormonism included me–even Quaker me).
Also, depending on your ward situation, there are many callings that you can fulfill where you don’t need to profess belief. I would seek out those callings–make a niche for yourself that works, where you don’t have to feel like a hypocrite.
It _is_ hard to be embedded in a Mormonsim and not belive. But it’s certainly not impossible. I have known many people who have done this all their lives and they’ve survived, they’ve even found ways to flourish. For John & I, it made sense to leave Mormonism because we did it together. While we were out of sync on belief, we stayed. It was tough, but not impossible. And let me second Matt’s suggestion for you to listen to the couple’s panel from Sunstone. And then share it with your spouse, too.
9 Deborah // Nov 10, 2006 at 11:54 am
John:
Christians and Pagans is a great addition to your holiday music collection! My favorite Dar song (a must down-load) is “After All.”
Anonymous: I have no advice or answers, but my thoughts are with you. I’d also recommend listening to Jana and John’s podcast about the early friction they experienced as John expressed doubts. Their current common-mindedness seems like it has been a decade in the making.
10 nee // Nov 10, 2006 at 12:06 pm
John - Scissor Sisters have an excellent cover of “comfortably numb” too.
As for doubts, I don’t think they fly well in any church. The whole point of church, at least Christian churches, is faith. Taith is what bridges the gaps in what’s soundly known and provable. To bring up doubts with others, especially within the walls of the institution built on faith is scary business.
We are hardwired to believe. That belief can empower people to do great things and it can empower them to do awful things as well. That belief is strong, very strong, and somewhat painful to let go of.
I’ve had doubts about church before and overcame them. Part of my rationalization was so many arguments about Mormonism could be used against Christianity as a whole. The only difference is we don’t know all the dirty laundry of prophets in the Bible. I’m sure Moses was a jackass at times and said stupid things. I’m certain of it. But that’s not documented. Unfortunately for Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and others, they were born after the invention of the printing press and many of their gaffs are well known. Also, if I could believe that some guy lived a perfect life and supernaturally paid the price for my sins, how much of a stretch was it to believe Joseph Smith was visited by God and Jesus? I threw myself back into church and tossed aside doubts because if I was going to doubt Mormonism (which was the most sensible of all the Christian churches I’d attended) I’d have to apply those standards to the Bible and Christianity. I wasn’t prepared to do that at that time. I had no interesting in doing that. Like I said, we’re hardwired. We *want* to believe. It is, however, what I did over the last year which is why I walked away entirely.
I still believe I have a core or spirit to nurture and while I find some good principles in Christian teachings, I also find them in things like Kusala Bhikshu’s urban dharma podcasts.
Doubts? We should have them. We should take them further but it is scary to do so. It can change your whole life and how you view everything. That’s huge.
11 Anonymous // Nov 11, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Hi, thanks to all of you who offered such good advice. Trouble is, I can’t keep talking about my doubts with my spouse. No matter how patient I try to be, my questioning invariably turns into my spouse being defensive and contentious. Granted, I could work more on being patient and non-confrontational, but it’s the very thought that I am struggling with my faith that scares my spouse. We just can’t talk about it at all.
Anyway, again, thank you for your advice. I sometimes feel completely helpless and hopeless contemplating the rest of my life in this Church, but you’re right that I can try to find a way to make my membership in the Church a positive experience for myself and others. I do wish that I could find a safe space to talk about my doubts, especially with my spouse. But at the end of the day after I’ve talked everything out, if I stop going to Church I’ll lose my family.
12 Kaimi // Nov 14, 2006 at 5:16 pm
John,
There’s a line from Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam which I think reflects what you’re saying here. It’s a great line (and there’s a nice stanza around it, too):
There lives more faith in honest doubt,
Believe me, than in half the creeds.
A long time ago (an eon, in blog years) I blogged about that line over at another blog. That fragment is one of my favorite pieces of poetry.
13 John // Nov 14, 2006 at 11:59 pm
Nee, the Bible actually documents a lot of Moses’ dirty laundry–it just doesn’t make it into lessons. I highly recommend Jonathan Kirsch’s very readable Moses: A Life.
Anonymous, hang in there. I completely sympathize with your situation.
Kaimi–great quote! I may have to incorporate that into a tagline…
On a side note, when I was being tortured by the sadistic professionals under the guise of “dentistry” last week, this mantra popped into mind:
My strength is the strength of ten
because my heart is pure.
I held onto this and survived the ordeal.
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