9 responses so far ↓

• 1 Rich // Mar 22, 2006 at 6:22 am

  I’m a lifelong active LDS, and have had my issues with some Church doctrines as long as I can remember. Science, Feminism, Politics are the big three, but there are more.

  Recently I’ve decided that while it would be tempting to just call it quits and go my own way, such thinking was arrested by the realization that I owe much of what’s good in my life to this organization, and moreso to the underlying gospel principles taught (for the most part).

  Here are a few of these realizations:

  1. I have an instant social group of friends wherever I go in the world — people who generally are kind and caring. That’s a pretty big deal.

  We are in the process of moving back into an old ward. We attended there last Sunday (haven’t actually moved in yet) and the response was overwhelmingly positive. It’s incredible what loving kindness can do for a soured attitiude.

  2. I have a wonderful extended family. I attribute much of that to my parents living gospel principles. My mom and dad met because of the Church. My dad and mom lived the gospel in a thoughtful, moderate way, and taught all 6 of their kids to do the same. They provided a safe enviornment to grow up in, able to ask questions and challenge the status quo. My parents are now old (in their 80’s). My siblings are all still active, still love each other, and have stable marriages. We don’t always agree, but we don’t fight; we respect each other, and love each other very much. Is that a coincidence? I don’t think so. Much credit of course goes to my parents. Much also to the Church.

  3. Some of my happiest memories involve service to others. I spent 3 years as a Bishop to a student ward. I cried like a baby when it was time to leave (despite the relief of not having all that responsibility on my shoulders any more). I grew to truly love so many of those students…

  I also enjoy interacting, teaching, and sharing perspective. I find this to be the greatest strength of the LDS Church — everyone gets a chance to participate. Yes, sometimes really dumb and hurtful things can be said or taught by clueless leaders/teachers/members, but if I’m not there to help ‘right the boat’, who will? (Positive) change happens much more effectively from within than from without.

  4. I’m still looking around, seeing if there’s something better (institutionally) on the horizon. Haven’t found it yet! Meanwhile, I hold my unorthodox views up whenever and wherever I can, with love and respect for other’s opinions, and most of the time it works out ok. I too am a seeker of truth, and try to incorporate it when I find it (I certainly don’t limit it to Mormon parameters).

  FWIW.

• 2 John // Mar 22, 2006 at 10:30 am

  Thanks Rich–your comment is worth a lot to me (in response to your “FWIW”).
  Your very personal comments make me think of the rationale of some of my LDS friends–they say they stick with Mormonism because it’s their “tribe.” I think my wife is like this–she has ancestors going back to the Church in the New York days. Mormonism defines her and is deeply embedded in her psyche and heritage. I respect this and feel that there is great value in feeling these deep connections. I’m glad that your family fostered such a wonderful environment as well.

  I’m not sure if I have a tribe. I converted to the Church in high school, and I haven’t experienced the “safe environment” on my wife’s side of the family. I don’t think the atmosphere there is hostile to my questioning–perhaps ambivalence is the best description. So the main reason why I haven’t let go of Mormonism is because of my immediate family, and because of good friends in the Church who have attitudes similar to yours. At the same time, I think I’m still smarting from wounds, so it’s good for me to be away from my church-home for a while.

  Have you heard of James Fowler’s Stages of Faith? To grossly oversimplify his argument, he charts the growth of faith from a comfortable literal approach to one that becomes more aware of the power and value of myth-narratives and which becomes more inclusive and sophisticated as one ages and experiences life. There’s a Mormon discussion of Fowler on a podcast you can find at LDS Liberation Front. You may find it interesting. I’m thinking of taking notes on the podcast and posting them on mindonfire. If you do listen to it, please let me know what you think.

  Anyhow, thank you for sharing your thoughts–you described the most wonderful aspects of being a part of the LDS community.

• 3 Rich // Mar 23, 2006 at 6:33 pm

  John,

  Thanks for the reference, it sounds intriguing, and rings true — I’ve definitely transitioned in my life from many black/white kinds of thinking to increasing shades of grey the longer I live and the more I comprehend the world.

  My recent realization is mostly one of trying to abandon much of the negativity that I’ve been indulging in lately. It gets fairly unhealthy if you wallow in it too much. There’s soooo much in the world today to get frustrated about (a warmongering psychotic idiot for a President for starters), some all-too prevalent ridiculous mindsets of fellow saints here in happy valley Utah, and, well, you get the picture.

• 4 Caroline // Mar 27, 2006 at 8:32 pm

  Hi John,

  I hope it’s all right that I put a link to “Mind on Fire” on my blog! I’ve been reading your blog since October when I happened across one of your essays in Sunstone. Discovering Sunstone and your blog came at just the right time for me. For the past few months I have been struggling with my religious beliefs and wondering if I want to remain active in the Church. I felt very much alone in my struggles, but reading Sunstone and blogs like yours have made me realize that there are many people who are asking the same questions that I am.

  I’m also a convert to the Church. I converted when I was 13 and since then I have mostly embraced the Mormon lifestlye (I’m now 23). I went to BYU, served in my wards, and attended all my church meetings. Since graduation however, I have started to ask myself the “hard” questions that I kind of glazed over in my BYU days. Why can’t women annoint the sick anymore like they did in pioneer times? Were blacks denied the priesthood due to cultural prejuidce—not revelation? How is it possible for celestial marriage to encompass polygamy? Such questions puzzle and challenge me. And I don’t want to ignore my doubts and say “Just have faith and wait until the next life…”

  And so I’m trying to figure things out, taking things day by day. I find it interesting that so many people comment on the strong sense of community within the Church, but oftentimes I have felt like an outsider. As a Chinese-American, I’ve always felt different amongst my white peers. Since I’m a convert too, I don’t have the genealogical anchor within the Church. I guess I’m that strange-looking adoptee in the homogeneous Mormon tribe!

  There have been many times when I’ve wanted to just scrap the whole thing. But there is something that keeps me here for now. I guess it’s the sense of peace I feel when I pray. And it’s the various spiritual confirmations I’ve received over the years. Everytime I try to break away, something pulls me back. Sometimes I wonder if I am just too afraid to pull away. And other times I feel that the Church truly is my home—despite my doubts and despite my questions.

  Anyhow, I look forward to more of your posts about your own spiritual journey! I loved reading about your experiences at the Baptist church and at the synagogue. I’m excited to see where else this journey will take you!

• 5 John // Mar 28, 2006 at 12:53 am

  Caroline, you made my week! Thank you!

  I’m flattered that you linked to (and read) MoF. I really enjoy your blog and I’m hoping you won’t mind if I link back to you.

  A lot of people make similar comments about Sunstone. I think I feel more of a community within the Sunstone community than I do within my home ward. Sometimes it’s enough just to know that others share your struggle, and that you’re not some weird anomaly.

  I can understand the feelings of being pulled inward and outward (like a piece of saltwater taffy), of belonging and isolation. I’d love to hear more about your conversion (are you the only member? What conflicts do you feel between your Chinese-American heritage and the Church?), your questions and your struggles. I hope you’ll write about them on your blog (or email, if you want to be less public). And I’m glad you’re still struggling. I’m finding more and more value in struggling, wrestling, working things out.

  Thanks again for your encouragement–it means a lot!

• 6 mikie // Mar 28, 2006 at 10:40 pm

  I have to wonder if one never questioned or doubted, if then they have ever really had their faith tested. I enjoy reading your blog, John. Your comments on struggle remind me of a metaphor (I love symbolism, analogies, metaphors…) I picked up in an episode of Lost (even pop culture has truth sometimes ;)) It was about the cocoon, and how the only way a butterfly is strong enough to survive when it emerges is because of the struggle to release itself from that cocoon. Is that a cheesy analogy? I like to think these struggles do make us stronger. Thanks for helping me remember that there is value in the struggle.. it’s encouraging.

• 7 John // Mar 30, 2006 at 12:41 am

  Thanks, Mikie, for your kind words. I think we hear the cocoon (and the baby chick needing to peck its own way out of the shell) metaphor because it speaks truth. Viva la struggle!

  I keep hearing good things about Lost…maybe when I wrap up Buffy: Season Seven, I’ll have to move on to that. So I can learn deep truths, of course !

• 8 Miko // Apr 1, 2006 at 8:45 pm

  Yessir! I’m a recovering Catholic, myself and have been in the Dark Night Of The Soul for some time. Welcome: we are all seeking the Way, but not the Way that has been Shown us. I salute you in your quest to find That Which Is Divine. May you be blessed by whatever god(s) you believe in.

• 9 Caroline // Apr 3, 2006 at 8:45 pm

  Hey John,

  Thanks for all of your comments on your blog! I enjoy reading them. I also really like on your blog how you change the main picture all the time. Changes things up a bit!

  Anyway, concerning your questions, I converted to the Church when I was 13. The Chinese-speaking missionaries tracted into our neighborhood when I was 12. (Interestingly enough, my family had moved into the area a few months before and our new house was right across the street from an LDS chapel! But we had no idea at the time.) My mother and brother were baptized a year before I was. At age 13 I was pretty stubborn and I gave the missionaries a hard time about women and the priesthood. But eventually I prayed about it and I knew joining the Church was the right choice for me. A few years down the road my brother stopped going to Church, but my younger sis was baptized when she turned 8. My dad, although supportive, has never joined.

  It’s been an interesting experience (to say the least) being a minority in a predominantly white church. Surprisingly though, I haven’t experienced any serious bouts with racism or prejudice. If anything, my issues with race have stemmed largely within myself. In high school I had a hard time reconciling my Chinese heritage with my American one. I didn’t want to be pigeon-holed into the stereotypical groups that constitute young Asian-Americans—either geeky Asian bookworms or members of the Asian “mafia.” I wanted to be seen as Caroline, but I felt too many of my peers only saw the color of my skin. And so I enrolled in activities that were not traditionally-associated with Asians—I sang in the choir, I was terrible at math, and I was (sadly, yes), a cheerleader.

  My insecurites carried over into my days at BYU. I wanted to blend in, but that is kind of hard when BYU is 90% white! Haha. Luckily for me, I had wonderful friends at BYU who encouraged me to learn more about my Chinese heritage. And so I took a few Chinese language classes and many Chinese history courses. I even went to Beijing on a research grant. It’s ironic, isn’t it? I finally came to terms with my “duality” in whitebread Utah instead of the diverse mixing pot of Washington, D.C. where I grew up. I think the white canvas of BYU really made me realize that my heritage made me unique and that I should celebrate it—not shun it.

  During my five years at BYU, I only experienced one incident of racism. During my junior year, I heard through the grapevine that one of my guy friends had been interested in dating me, but decided that he could never date me because I was Chinese. I was speechless at first and then very sad. I didn’t speak to him for eight months. When I look back on it now, I realize that he came from a very conservative home (he’s from Wyoming). I’m not making excuses for him at all, but I have realized that his prejudice was related to his close-minded parents and conservative upbringing, not necessarily a reflection of the Church. (That’s a different topic though!)

  Anyway, I apolgize for the long comment! I’d also like to hear about your own converstion story and perhaps any conflicts you have felt between your ethnicity and the Church. Thanks again for all of your input and I look forward to reading more of your thought-provoking blogs!

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