I try to open each day by reading from and then meditating on the writings of Christian mystics. Right now I’m supping from the pages of Simone Weil’s Waiting for God:

If it were conceivable that in obeying God one should bring about one’s own damnation while in disobeying him one could be saved, I should still choose the way of obedience.

I imagine that most Mormons and many Christians would not conceive of me as obedient (images of my running into members of my congregation carrying groceries on a Sunday (read: breaking the Sabbath) while wearing my running gear (read: not wearing the temple garments). I see myself as someone who is struggling to be obedient to be obedient to God, but not to the Church. In the grand scheme of things, it is Conscience, Compassion, Truth that ultimately matter. The lesser observances are only beneficial if they help one achieve these higher ends, and can be stumbling blocks if they are regarded at the expense of love and integrity.

I cannot help still wondering whether in these days when so large a proportion of humanity is submerged in materialism, God does not want there to be some men and women who have given themselves to him and to Christ and who yet remain outside the Church.

While Weil longed to partake of the Sacraments of the (Catholic) Church, she saw a real danger–a threat to her ability to follow God and to take upon the cross of Christ in the social order of the Church. I’m still pondering this, but I defintely feel that I can relate.