By the end of this month, I plan to come to terms with what role the LDS church is to play in my life (or at least the next few years of my life). I don’t have the time or energy to continually crash against this. When I go to Church, I find myself trying to fill a role that is increasingly abrasive to my already-raw emotional core. (The perception that it is a role, an act, is becoming more obvious to me.)
I don’t have any belief commitments to the Church. I don’t believe that it has any sort of soteriological power. It certainly isn’t alone in its claims of exclusive access to salvific ordinances and teachings. It has the power to better lives, but it also has the ability to seriously fuck people up. I’ve seen and experienced both.
Anyhow, I don‚Äôt believe in God as conceived by Mormonism. I‚Äôm pretty certain that an all-powerful white-haired Caucasian male with Victorian sensibilities did not create the universe. I‚Äôm a little ‚Äòa‚Äô atheist: I don‚Äôt believe in God but am open to the possibility that such a being exists. At the same time, I believe in God as a useful metaphor, and I believe in the human experience of God, of the divine. I don‚Äôt think that these beliefs contradict each other in any way. I am an active pursuer of the mystical epiphanies that will help me to feel connected to the rest of humanity and all of nature–what Freud called oceanic experiences.
So what do I believe in? I have faith in the human race. This is a completely irrational belief. History demonstrates that this is probably a misplaced faith, but I have to be optimistic, or what chance do we have? I think that if humanity survives, it will be due in part to the faith of cynical optimists like me, working for a better this-worldly future.
Mormonism’s hold on me is through its community and culture. My immediate family, my in-laws and most of my best friends are Mormon. I speak the language fluently and find comfort in many of its rituals, but I could toss these aside with little difficulty. The hundred little bonds of these relationships that keep me chained to Mormonism manifest themselves in many ways: visiting to the temple with Jana, sitting close together on a cushioned pew on Sundays, talking to other returned missionaries about our shared experiences, taking the sacrament to an elderly woman confined to her home, singing “Beautiful Savior” in the Church choir, baptizing and confirming my children, attending their temple weddings someday.
At the moment, my proposed course of action is as follows: I will start conceiving of myself as a “less-active” (the Church-prescribed term for labeling someone who doesn’t attend Church regularly), unbelieving Mormon. This is a role I can fill with ease and integrity, in contrast with the effort of trying to live up to the expectations placed on the active believer. I’m already a fringe-Mormon—I would simply be acknowledging my marginality. At the same time, it would allow me to still remain within the culture, primarily for my family’s sake. I’m not saying that being “less-active” doesn’t come with its own baggage, but I suspect that this will cause less grief and allow me to move on with other aspects of life.
This is unpolished, but then so are my thoughts on this matter. What do you all think?
20 responses so far ↓
1 Holly // Nov 8, 2005 at 6:25 am
I heartily support you in your plans.
2 Mike // Nov 11, 2005 at 1:23 am
I didn’t realize you had a deadline for coming to terms with things. I feel obligated to voice a variety of standard responses: “don’t give up,” “things will get better, just persevere,” “the blessing comes after the trial of your faith,” “don’t hold the Church to too high a standard,” “the Church is better with you, even if you don’t always see it,” and so on; I’m sure I’m forgetting some. I even belive these things. Of course, you are probably less interested in let-me-tell-you-how-to-fix-it advice. So I won’t say those things. Instead, I’ll just say this: if the Gods I belive in knocked on your door right now and you answered, they’d give you a nice hug and say, “just do your best son.”
3 jana // Nov 11, 2005 at 3:56 am
Hmmm…not commenting on this post in particular. Just stuck in an airport in beijing (been here since lunchtime and flight won’t leave till 11 pm) and wanting to spend some time with you….
4 John // Nov 11, 2005 at 6:15 pm
Holly: I just thought about this, but your support and (from my perspective strange and misguided) belief in me have drawn out some of my best work and have opened up some wonderful possibilities for me. Thank you!
Mike: I appreciate where you’re coming from, but I’ve been floating on platitudes for almost ten years now. I’m wasting my time knocking at the Church’s bolted door. I’m ready for something more substantial.
I like the gods you mentioned. I think they’d be okay with my choosing a path of integrity.
I have a wonderful group of friends (including you, Jana, Armand, Matt, Dan Wotherspoon, Jana Riess, etc.) who remain committed to the Church but who still seem to value my unorthodox spiritual contributions (even many of my criticisms). You make me feel like I have a place in the Church. Unfortunately, there are so few of you. *sigh*
Jana: I’m counting the minutes until you’re across our threshold. I think you’re somewhere over the rocky Oregon coastline right now…
5 Justin // Nov 12, 2005 at 10:35 am
Hi John,
It sounds like you are struggling with things, but that you have a great support in your friends and family. I only have a minute before I have to go, but I thought I needed to tell you thank you for being strong for me when I was struggling in Hiratsuka. Things are still hard, but the things you did and said then mean a lot even today. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Justin.
6 John // Nov 12, 2005 at 1:35 pm
Justin! Hisashiburi!
Thank you. I don’t know if you remember this, but I’ve thought a lot about how you said you felt after reading the Book of Mormon (I won’t get detailed here, but it wasn’t the standard response). Thanks for your email address–I’ve been wondering for years how I could get in touch with you again.
7 Blog // Nov 29, 2005 at 10:28 am
If I were you, before I left behind something that may well be true, I would be sure that I had poured my whole heart and soul into it to find out. I would pray fervently daily and make the time daily to study the scriptures, and particularly the Book of Mormon, while prayerfully asking God to communicate to you His will for your life. You seem very concerned about what you think and believe and not concerned enough about submitting your will to His. If I were you, I’d want to have made that kind of commitment of time and energy for at least a year before I decided to take a less active role in the Church. Don’t fault the Church for not meaning more to you when you haven’t done what the Church teaches and lived the doctrine consistently enough to truly put it to the test and know for yourself.
8 Kevin // Dec 1, 2005 at 4:50 pm
I don’t know why that last post made me feel like I had to leave a message, but it did.
John,
I hope that you can find a place for Mormonism in your life that is comfortable for you and that is consistent with your personal philosophy. Hopefully you aren’t bothered by people who would try and make you feel guilty for making such a decision. So here I am, showing support.
And thanks for coming to those lunches so long ago where we would discuss “things,” they helped me a lot in sorting out my own ideas. The books and works that I would drag into those conversations still scatter my desktop (virtual and physical).
9 David // Dec 2, 2005 at 12:51 am
John,
Do you remember the time you and Justin wrote the lyrics to U2’s “Pride” in katakana on the chalkboard at the church in Hiratsuka? Crazy kids.
I entered the MTC 15 years ago on 11/28 so I’ve been thinking this week about my early days as a missionary and my early days in Japan. I spent my first night in Kichijoji and then met up with you, Justin, and Quin in Hiratsuka. We dropped my bags off at the apartment and went to shuwa-circle at some community center. You amazed me. I remember thinking “do I have to learn to sign in Nihongo too? I’m not sure I’ll ever learn how to speak, let along sign.” You have always been an inspiration to me John. You were there for me when I felt so alone in those early days in Japan. Do you remember that day we were supposed to read The Book of Mormon cover to cover in one day? I’ll never forget the way you reached out to Quin’s questions. I admired your patience and acceptance then and I admire your honesty now.
I wish I had some profound statement to give you clarity and comfort. I’m too sleepy for inspiration, so I’ll just say “chiri mo tsumoreba, yama to naru”
Good night!
10 John // Jan 26, 2006 at 11:46 pm
Response to “blog”: You suggested I take a whole year–I’ve been working on this problem earnestly and sincerely for about a decade now. I’m no closer to the sense that Mormonism has any unique claim to “the truth.” But thanks for the concern.
11 dave // Jan 30, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Save us all the trouble and have your name removed from the churches records and get on with your self imposed lukewarm life.
12 John // Jan 30, 2006 at 3:24 pm
Thanks, Dave, for the tempting suggestion! Though I’m curious–what trouble will it save you?
13 dave // Jan 30, 2006 at 6:11 pm
Dear John, easy to tempt and unclean curiousity are traits found far too often in selfish malcontents like yourself. That observation causes me great trouble.I pitty you and feel genuine sorrow for the pain you have and will cause to those who love and trusted you.
Cheers to John, The smartest guy in the room.
P.S. Bolted door, give me a break.
14 John // Jan 30, 2006 at 10:20 pm
Dave, make up your mind! One moment you’re telling me to get on with removing my name from the Church records, and now you’re condemning me for being “easy to tempt”! Plus, in your earlier comment, you said I’d save you trouble if I left the Church (which you were encouraging), now you’re telling me it would bring you sorrow? I’m not really sure where you’re coming from.
But by your comments I don’t think you have any real understanding of where I’m coming from. Ten years I’ve been struggling, reading the Book of Mormon, serving in callings, bringing my children up in the Church, trying to be obedient, going to the temple, praying sincerely, exercising compassion to the best of my ability, and genuinely seeking God in spite of a total absence of any sort of positive answers–this is what I tried to summarize in the “bolted door” image. I’m assuming that this hasn’t been your experience, and I’m sincerely happy for you. I’m getting a little tired of hearing, “pray and you’ll know it’s true.” I have, and I don’t. If I didn’t care about my family and my Mormon community, I would’ve hit the road already.
Can you explain what you mean by “unclean curiousity?” A curious phrase, used in this spiritual/religious context.
I also don’t get the whole “people who trusted me” bit. Am I more trustworthy in being honest in my doubts concerning the Gospel, or in presenting a false front of belief and commitment to the Church?
At any rate, I’m not sure if I buy the whole “feeling genuine sorrow” business–your first comment isn’t exactly glowing with empathy or compassion.
15 dave // Jan 31, 2006 at 11:02 am
Dear John, could you be more dishonest? P.S. Great forum for getting your mind right. LOL
16 Iru // Feb 24, 2006 at 8:03 am
You should be honored that you go to a ’such believing’ church. I have never found one like it. Be honored for what you got, kid.
17 PodMonkeys // Feb 24, 2006 at 8:40 am
Is there a good Unitarian church near you?
I’ve always believed that god is where you find it. Faith is something you look into yourself to find. You don’t need a “house” or a person telling you what to think. Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are things that should be taught by your parents, teachers, friends, and family. Similar teachings in the Bible are good for reading for these messages, not as a literal rule book. It is up the the individual to find his faith.
Thats just how I see it. Kind of weird belief for an agnostic/athiest, huh?
18 John // Feb 24, 2006 at 1:15 pm
Not weird at all (but then again, I’m pretty biased :D). There’s a powerful tension between community v. individual searches for meaning and peace. It’s hard to find groups that can respect both, and I think the UUs do a good job of it.
I’ve visited two different UU churches nearby. Both congregations are smallish, and one meets in a rented space in an industrial strip mall. I was really impressed with those attending, though. One of the high school kids was valedictorian for her school and had organized an interfaith fair for several years running.
I’m going to pay an OC Pilgrimage visit to one of them in March or April.
19 PodMonkeys // Feb 24, 2006 at 1:38 pm
If you happen to be in Salem, MA, check out UU church here! ;D
http://www.bc.edu/bc_org/avp/cas/fnart/fa267/19th/salemch.jpg
Built in 1836/37.
From their site:
“Members of this Congregation welcome the support of all who believe that religion is wider than any sect and deeper than any set of opinions.”
I think if I were to ever go to church, it would be there.
20 John // Feb 24, 2006 at 2:09 pm
That is so awesome!
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