In the middle of November, I dedicated myself to a renewed, contemplative, spiritual quest. I even created a little rite to mark the transition into the new me: I went down to Newport Beach, and under the sliver of the twilight moon and the rosy glow of the sun sinking under the horizon, I plunged myself into the waves, committing myself to this new life. My new focus would be less on doctrine and more on the experience of the divine, through seeking within and service without.

I began reading about the lives and teachings of great mystics, and found that many had to experience what St. John of the Cross called “the dark night of the soul” before they reached transcendant, blissful union with divinity. They had to be completely stripped of themselves and lose all ego in total immersion with the divine.

The past few months have been very difficult. I have faced some of my deepest fears and my soul is raw from anixiety. I feel a general improvement in physical health, but still struggle nightly with insomnia and occasional night sweats. But in the midst of these frustrating symptoms, I find that I am generally full of joy. I am closer to Jana and the children than ever before. I am making peace and carving a little niche for myself in Mormonism (and a bit in Quakerism), focusing more on serving others and less on doctrinal differences. All of my rational doubts persist, but I have a set aside a little space for faith in the divine, for a personal relationship with Deity. I am eating more healthily than ever (I actually crave fruit now!), and I begin each day with a short run.

Most of all, I feel that people have become really important to me once again. This sounds callous, but for a long time, I tended to view encounters with people as an imposition on my personal agenda. Now I find the greatest pleasure in my interactions with friends and acquaintances, happy exchanges with strangers, the renewal of old friendships and the creation of new ones. And I spend a lot more time at home than I did even a few months ago.

So perhaps my night has not been so dark after all. The moon and the stars have been shining continually, all the more brilliant for the contrast. It’s a bit chilly right now, but I think that I can see the subtle glow of the coming dawn on the horizon::