Guilt drives my life. I hope that I can explore why in this post.

Perhaps a good deal of this comes from my upbringing–I worked pretty hard at school and extracurricular activities and felt very little direct praise from my parents–only criticism or lack of disapproval. Becoming a Mormon was enough to get me disowned for several years, and even now I hesitate to speak Japanese to my Mom because she tells me how bad it is. I lash out self-protectively against other authority figures who are critical of me. This likely explains why I don’t get along with some of my extended family members (and with past, micro-managing supervisors). When I got into Stanford, when I’m promoted, when I win literary contests, I excitedly tell the parent people in my life, seeking approval–and I get nothing.

As I grow older, I am motivated less and less by a desire to please them, though the child deep down craves a good word from them. This post is probably a cry out for such.

And as I grow older, I replace the authority figures with a greater tyrant, one who sees every weakness, and who points them out and dwells mercilessly on them. I never quite measure up to what I want to be, and though this is probably normal enough, I dwell on each shortcoming, picking at the scabs until they bleed again, enlarging the wounds. I am guilty of not spending enough time with my family, of not being a good enough father, husband, employee, church member, friend, citizen, student, etc. I define myself by my sins of omission and comission, rather than by my positive acts or potential for greatness. I seem to give people favorable first impressions, but I feel that if they only knew me like I knew myself, they would dislike me as well.

I think that this is one reason why I have distanced myself from religion. From the perspective of someone like me, God is another impossible to please Parent. His demands are greater. Every evening, on my knees, I would review my shortcomings for the day and seek for forgiveness from God–and never feel it. By banishing God from my life, I feel greater peace, greater self-acceptance. I feel more peace when I clear my mind or meditate upon the light/beauty within myself, within humanity. Focus on sin, for me, grows the darkness in my soul until I have a hard time perceiving any light.

My mind is aware of what�s going on. Getting my heart to realize my own inherent humanity, goodness, etc. is another thing altogether. I�d like to think I�m making progress, but the ruts in the paths of the heart run deep. It will take many years of beating down new rocky, bumpy trails before the old ones are buried and forgotten.