I have this annoying habit of trying to straddle multiple worlds. I’d like to be a graduate student but have this job thing that I can’t seem to shake. My dad’s from Kansas and my mom’s from Nagasaki and, as a result, when I’m on one side of the Pacific, I get restless for the other. I’m also a faithful, church-attending Mormon who has problems believing in God.
This last one makes me wonder if I’m not totally schizo. When I sit down and think deeply about it, I’m pretty sure that there’s no God. This makes complete sense to me, rationally and emotionally. At the same time, I’m open to the possibility that there is an Almighty Power who looks down on us and sees a lot of the tops of our heads.
I suspend my disbelief sometimes. This is not unlike watching the Sixth Sense or some other movie where the director draws me completely into their world. And I let them do it, for the duration of the film, but afterwards I’m just as skeptical that ghosts, if they do exist, do have a cold-cloud perpetually hovering around them. Anyhow, I do this best when I lay my hands on someone’s head and give them a priesthood blessing, Mormon-style. I sort of stop thinking, at least critically, and let the words flow. Also, I pray regularly with my family.
When I pray personally, it’s usually prefaced with “God, if you’re up there…” I’d like to think that if God exists, and is just, kind, compassionate, fair, etc., s/he’ll be all right with my sincere skepticism. The alternative would be for me to fake my faith, to be a “belief-poser.” Which would be more acceptable to a God of Truth?
Unfortunately, this sort of thinking doesn’t go over well with the Mormon Church. Because of my honest soul-searching, I am at best a second-class citizen in fold, a stinky llama among the wooly flock of the Good Shepherd. I don’t get the sense that this sort of truth-questing is really valued by churches, unless it leads you right up to their front doors (and no one elses’).
Anyhow, a Mormon temple’s going up within walking distance of my home, and I won’t be able to go into it. And here’s why:
1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?
2. Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?
3. Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?
4. Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?
5. Do you live the law of chastity?
6. Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
7. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
8. Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?
9. Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?
10. Are you a full-tithe payer?
11. Do your keep the Word of Wisdom?
12. Do you have financial or other oblgations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?
13. If you have previously received your temple endowment:
Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?
Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?14. Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?
15. Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord’s house and participate in temple ordinances?
Temple recommend questions courtesy of a Google search and lds-mormon.com
If these don’t look familiar to you, these questions are asked of each Mo who desires entry into a temple. If you can’t answer them the right way, you don’t pass Go and no temple for you. I’m good with all but the first three, maybe four, questions. Notice–I can be Gandhi or Mother Theresa and not get in. But John, you ask, if you don’t believe, why would you even want to go in?
Why? Call me weird, but I have this tiny, quirky little desire to perhaps be present at the weddings of my children. Also, I really am trying to be a good Mormon, the best I can be and stil maintain some sense of personal integrity, and the door’s being slammed on my face. Can’t you see the sign? they ask. Come back when you’ve got some real faith.
To be fair, my bishop has been very kind to me. I have no doubts about his respect for my honesty and his personal warmth towards me. Partly out of respect for him, I’m going to give this faith thing one more shot. I’m going to read that Book of Mormon, and pray sincerely to God, if he’s up there, about it. But I don’t have much hope. I’ll record my impressions on this site if y’all are interested in following along.
But I sure am getting tired here, balancing between these two really incompatible worlds. I’m tired of being a lone stinky llama. And with the Newport Beach temple construction reminding me each Sunday of how different I am from other Mormons, and of how unfair it seems to me to be suffering–to be considered “unworthy” for being honest (Jesus, Joseph, Mohammed, is this how you guys felt?), I’m not certain if the struggle is worth it.
10 responses so far ↓
1 amy // May 26, 2004 at 2:36 pm
i sympathize, john. and i hope you find some answers. but try to find some hope before you try to find some answers. my experience (a rather fraught one) has been that i find what i think i’ll find, that if i can approach something at least hoping that i’ll find something beautiful and true in it, then i will. but if i approach without that hope, i generally leave having found only the things which reconfirm the hopelessness i began with. is that tautological? dangerous? maybe. maybe not.
2 llama-lover // May 26, 2004 at 7:01 pm
a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a girl feel in love with a very cute and sweet-smelling llama (is this a sequel to The Emperor’s New Groove, perhaps?)….
ganbatte llama-boy
3 Webster // May 26, 2004 at 11:06 pm
I can see why you wouldn’t want to become a Mormon. It’s just another one of man’s trumped up religions. Try breaking away from tradition, and that empty world of puppetry, and keep talking to God the way you already do.
I rememeber beginning my first prayer to the Almighty with, “Well, if you’re really up there show me.” … and He did. I realized that the purpose of religion is flypaper to catch pests.
Read Isaiah 58 and see what God thinks Himself.
James 1:27 makes it clear if you want it from the horses mouth: “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.”
Simple huh?!
Need anyone tell you how to live, but God Himself? Give yourself a break and rest in Him for a while.
You’re already asking the right questions. Perhaps it’s time to listen for the answers and remember what you hear.
…and if you’re really concerned about WHO He is, just look for the un-translated two-letter word in the first sentence of Genesis, then go to Revelation and you’ll find it linked there.
4 Steve Teare // May 31, 2004 at 9:23 am
I’m a 50-year-old designer. I’m a Mormon. From my experience, you need professional therapy more than you need religion. Then after therapy has some success, come back to religion and you will see things in a new light. I promise.
Things have been difficult for you and you need to cut yourself some slack.
5 John // Jun 1, 2004 at 2:23 pm
Amy–thanks always for your comments. They always induce thinking.
Concerning hope (thinking out loud): I wonder what answers I am hoping to find. I know that Mormonism has truth and beauty in it–it’s just that I don’t believe that Mormonism is the truest, most beautiful thing out there. I have come to terms with my own doubt and skepticism. My anguish is that I cannot reconcile my community and my conscience (you are better at this than I am). There is constant tension between the two, and I feel like I ultimately I will have to make a choice between the two. So if I feel hopelessness, it is despair that the community will ever accept me as a full member.
6 john // Jun 1, 2004 at 2:35 pm
Welcome to MindOnFire, Steve, and thanks for the encouragement.
Regarding therapy: I’ve been through several rounds of therapy, and the most recent was incredibly healing. There are definitely connections between one’s relationship with God/religion and with parents and other authority figures. Anyhow, therapy (among other things) has increased my sense of self-worth and as a result, I have the strength to stand by my convictions–which ultimately point away from organized religion. So it seems that my experience has been counter to yours. Please feel free to e-mail me if you’d like to compare notes.
7 Lydia // Jun 8, 2004 at 9:57 pm
John-
I checked this out for ideas of what to make sure we discuss at lunch, lots to talk about! My quick advice, read more Joseph Campbell and hang out with some Unitarians!
In all seriousness, all religions say they are right, yet they can’t all be right. Since they can’t all be right, just find what’s right for you. Yes there is a hint of Unitarianism even in that statement. I find reading sci fi and fantesy help explore even more options! Try the book “ENder’s game” and the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. Let your beliefs evolve with time based on what resonates with your soul.
See you Thursday!
8 john // Jun 9, 2004 at 2:56 pm
do you have a site i can check out? :^)
ironic that you should mention Ender’s Game–Orson Scott Card is a devout Mormon (and theologically conservative, from what I’ve heard). but i agree, there’s a lot of truth and wonder in speculative fiction. but more tomorrow!
9 da heckler // Jul 25, 2004 at 6:27 pm
Steve:
You’re mom needs therapy!
Ooh, burn… feel the pain buddy, feel the pain…
10 Anonymous // Jan 31, 2005 at 12:49 am
who cares. leave mormonism and be a good buddist / unitarian / quaker or whatever it is that allows you to congratulate yourself on your wisdom, mysticism, and secular humanim. that way, maybe, you will have the balls to tell your daughter that a) “honey, please don’t get married in the temple because of reason 1, 2, and 3″, or
b) “honey, i’m not going to your wedding because i don’t believe in god.”, or
c) any other alternative that you might imagine that gets you out of this pseudo-intellectual quandry.
have you considered the possibility that maybe there is a god, and that he just doesn’t like you very much? maybe there’s a personality conflict between you two.
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