it’s one of those early, godless, insomniac, see-your-breath-and-smell-your-coffee-getting-cold hours of the morning, and here i am again, sitting at the computer, seeking for comfort–for something–in the cold glow of the monitor.
usually the tickle of my cat’s attention-seeking whiskers on my nose is my first sensation of the day, but today it was a wasp crawling on my lips. in my dream, i was sitting in the living room of someone’s home, and an acquaintance walked in and asked me about the bodhisattva vow. as i started to explain it, i was overcome with a wave of positive emotion, and brought two of my fingers to my lips to keep from crying. at that moment, i realized that a burnt orange colored wasp was crawling on my upper lip.
even as i held my breath and considered the possibility of getting stung and whether or not i could gently brush it away, i transitioned out of sleep and my mind was already working on the interpretation.
the bodhisattva vow represents the highest levels of self-sacrifice, compassion, service–everything that the idealist hidden within me defines as success. the wasp is a symbol of fear. wasps scare me–and always have. one of my earliest memories is of me crying, running through an olive orchard in greece, trying to escape a wasp. in my dream, the wasp prevents me from explaining and sharing the vow.
i’ve sat down many times over the past few weeks to write for mindonfire, but have always stopped. i’m having a hard time working on my grad school apps and my writing sample. i’m not communicating with friends as well as i should. i could go on. but i think what is holding me back is fear. it’s what drives me towards perfection in one instance, but paralyzes me in another.
helen keller said, “security is mostly a superstition. it does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
i risk greater pain by remaining tightly wrapped in my fetal cocoon. today i will ignore, brush away, or crush the wasp if i have to. today i will turn kinetic some of that potential that lies within me::