i am coming to realize that i crave validation.

i think this stems from growing up with a lot of negativity and with very little warm affection. a friend of mine in high school had to train me to give hugs when i turned sixteen–i’m very fond of hugs now. :^) because i lived in a continual dearth of positive feedback, i can remember very clearly times that i received praise from non-family sources.

when i was growing up, i lived in an inner-city area not far from oakland. i remember walking into a school bathroom and getting mugged by a black student about twice my size. without fear or hesitation, i pulled out my wallet, opened it up and showed the guy that the wallet was empty. to this day, i still get a bit of a glow inside when i recall him saying, “that’s cool, bro.” not long before that, a big drunk guy threw his arm around me and kept saying over and over again, “i love you, man.” i was confused but flattered. luckily for me, my friend’s mom saw what was going on and dragged me away from the man into their apartment.

even today, this quest for approval and acceptance drives so much of what i do. i see this when i pore over my site statistics, when i place my photo up on hot or not, and in checking my e-mail constantly.

i’ve found ways to utilize this drive for validation: my motivation for my work projects is often very person-centric–i work hard to please my team, my boss and/or my clients. i develop mentor relationships with my professors, then work more to impress them than to get the good grade. the end product in both situations is usually good: at work, the customer gets what they need and at school, i get the good grades. when i start a new project or class, i often work on developing relationships first.

i’m not saying that i’m all low self-esteem and that my every motive is to please others. i am merely beginning to understand this about myself, which opens the door for me to moderate it and keep it healthy. i am learning to include myself as someone worth pleasing. it’s weird to consider occasional selfishness as a healthy, virtuous thing.

my life now is good. it is wonderful to have the unconditional support and love of good friends, and especially of my wife and children. i feel like some day, through their help, i’ll kick this whole low self-esteem issue. it’s amazing to me how long it takes childhood wounds to heal.

anyone else out there struggle with these issues?::