i am a contradiction, a hypocrisy, a paradox. maybe i deserve to be thrown into an institution and drugged up for schizophrenia. i am a spiritual, intuitive, emotional being that is capable of reasoning. or perhaps i am an intelligent, rational, thinking being who is also capable of faith. or both.

i’m still trying to figure things out. while my mind tells me clearly that there most likely is no god, i pray sincerely to said non-existent deity. perhaps this is habit, the result of years of intense socialization. prayer feels good, right, and comfortable to me, even if there is no one picking up on the other side. it brings out all that is good in me.

i know what i don’t know, what i don’t believe, and this is why i don the much maligned and misunderstood label of ‘atheist’. there are as many different types of atheists as there are christians, buddhists, and pagans. i am not like the gal who puts her foot down and says, “there is absolutely no god”–to me, this takes as much faith or conviction as believing in a god. yet i’m not a strict agnostic either, because i think that the existence of god, like the existence of atoms, coelacanths, elvis, or anything else is provable.

if the believer makes the claim that there is a god, the burden of proof is on them. if i claim that i have a running car to sell you, you have every right to test drive it, to kick its tires, and to look under the hood. it takes quite a salesman to say, “i can’t show you the car right now, but believe you me, this is one fiiiiiiiine machine. it will change you, man. and check out this payment plan–all i ask is for 10% of all you earn till the day you die, and then we deliver right to your doorstep. you will be riding in luxury for the rest of eternity. and what’s more, we will beat any advertised deal anywhere!”

riiiight.

atheism does not mean the absence of spirituality. believers have no monopoly on moral living, service, and seeking everything which is pure, compassionate and god-like within themselves. atheists have no external god to turn to, and so must reach deep within themselves to find discipline, goodness, compassion, forgiveness, and divinity. my vocabulary is saturated with religious terminology. i reverence the magnificence of all of creation. i pour my devotions over my wife, my personal goddess. my home, the library, the magnificent cathedral, the serene waterfall in the lush forest–these are my temples. i worship under the starry roof of a clear night sky in the desert. i kneel at the altar of the deathbed of someone dear to me. i sing praises to the great women and men who have contributed to the collective positive experience of humanity. ralph waldo emerson, william wordsworth, henry david thoreau, mohandas gandhi, tolkien, emily dickinson, a. e. housman, joseph smith, the dalai lama, john dewey, thich nhat hanh, carl sagan (and jeffrey zeldman) wrote my scriptures and i study them daily and ponder their words prayerfully.

men and women have the seeds of godhood in them–they are christ-like in their potential for loving sacrifice and satanic in their capacity for inflicting pain and destruction. i have faith in humanity’s divine potential, and i believe that we can create a paradise someday here on this earth. this faith is not based in reason, because we are just as capable of destroying this world, but my positive belief is necessary if i am to pursue this vision and spread hope to others. the only way that all of humanity will be capable of creating a heaven here on this earth is if we cultivate our faith in the goodness within, the divinity that lies at the core deep inside each of us, and nowhere else::