i am on a quest for content. i am climbing the everest of internet pages and peering into the cracks and crevices, seeking for those rare golden nuggets of well-written personal narratives, essays, and journal entries. if you know of any sites that publish quality content on a regular basis, please let me know, or share them with all of us.

i ran into this gutsy piece by lance arthur of glassdog fame. he writes about the ordeal of coming to terms with his homosexuality publically and privately. the funny thing is, i can totally relate. (don’t worry, jana, i’m not gay.) my issues do not have the strong consequences and stigma that gays have to deal with, but they are complex and are certainly real enough to me.

outwardly, i am a faithful mormon who teaches inspiring sunday school classes. i don’t drink anything stronger than decaf tea, i pray at least five times a day, i sing bass in the choir, and on occasion, i help the missionaries knock on doors. on the inside, i am confused about my faith. if you ask me if god exists, my intellectually honest answer will be, “there is no proof of god’s existence.” i am a closet atheist. there is increasing dissonance between my public church persona and my true self.

amazingly, when i revealed to my bishop (the equivalent of a pastor in most christian churches) and to former my elder’s quorum president (the men’s group leader) my state of mind, they both felt that i should continue teaching. i carefully craft my lessons to inspire and uplift while avoiding any explicit statements of doctrine.

“what’s the big deal?”, you ask. what horrible consequences could i possibly face from those nice, smiling, clean-cut, family-friendly mormons? if i were to reveal my loss of faith, i would experience a serious loss in spiritual status in eyes of my mormon peers. to most members of the church, my comments and teachings on spirituality would carry less weight, less moral authority. without a conviction or belief in the fundamental principles of mormonism, i would not receive exaltation and would not be be able to spend the rest of the eternities with my family. my friends would feel pity for me and for my wife.

the hardest situations revolve around family. jana and i agreed to raise the children as devout mormons. how do i keep this promise if i am an open free-thinker? also, there would be no chance of seeing my own son’s or daughter’s weddings in the temple. my in-laws might see me as someone who could keep my little ones from achieving salvation and therefore a less than ideal husband and father.

maybe these things don’t seem like a huge deal. maybe i’m just a total yellow-bellied, lilly-livered, ballsless, no-guts coward.

i’m making progress, though. it is a long, slow, painful process. it is only a matter of time before i step completely out of my closet and reveal myself in all of my positive, atheist, humanist glory. you have been a great help. and lance arthur’s experience has inspired me. thank you, lance. human experience may vary in the details, but ultimately, we are driven by the same fears and desires–we all want to be understood, accepted, and loved::